When nothing else could help, love lifted me..

My own world

2011-12-28T12:15:00.000-06:00

I am

Reading, walking, thinking...
Skype dates, good food, new town, new people,
healing, discovery, company

studying, trying, understanding..

questions, answers, waiting..

learning, loving, feeling, laughing, crying..

Grateful.

Technicolour yawn

2011-11-09T03:42:00.000-06:00

Friday night, culture shock reared it’s vicious head. A vulgar state of the soul, yet inevitable. I walked through the park, admiring all the lovely, crunchy, colourful leaved, with that childlike desire to crunch them, throw them, and dive into a large pile. However, it hit me, it would look rather odd and silly if I did this alone, and it hit me: No one here to do this with. Loneliness unveiled herself to me, taunting me. I went to play the church piano, to help cope, but the tears flowed down. I cried, prayed and played for five hours, until I realized the time was 10:30. I left, went home, cried more, and beat my mattress. Finishing “Horton hears a who” helped enormously.
Skipping ahead to today: I was dreading it. I didn’t want to go to church, specifically to a “Thanksgiving” service. However, God answered my prayer:

The mall has Christmas decorations out, already.

I enjoyed the testimonies given at church

I am thankful for Jarka continually translating for me.

Getting to know Josh better. My compassion leans towards him as a fellow American.

A lady from church told Slavo I look like a fairy, I took it as a compliment 

Slavo catching me after church: My attempts to be more honest (Including, Slavo’s public decloration” Oh it was you who had Diarrhea” .Nice).
I found out about the future vision for Narnia, the grammar school, for the church, the land, the cottage ect.. I confessed my desire for another native speaker, found out it could be a possibility, confessed my “lonely state”, was then invited to dinner with the Polohatsi,
Politics lesson, Sign language, and good fellowship and fun. I also found out the full story on Slavo’s side, on my hiring process, which was interesting, and I feel blessed. It helped to hear that too, from a Native’s mouth.My boss's mouth. Ok, from another human being.

Best highlights: Natik giving his pre-presentation (for my English class) with “I have to go to the bathroom” inserted. Yes child, please do that during class tomorrow...

Signing at dinner.

Timko: “But God wont understand Natik’s English prayer.It's not good enough. He should pray in Slovak"

Timko: What’s a flamingo? Natik: It’s a dumb, pink ostrich that swims in water

The boys playing their instruments and Timmy’s meerkat collection

Hearing the expression “Technicolour yawn” in reference to throwing up

Explaining what a “wifebeater” is

And as always, Timmy's wide, half toothless smile, accompainied by a lisp. It doesn't get much more precious than that.

Ahh, how I love spending time with families. Especially this one. It is exactly what I needed.I'm realizing that even though I'm away from my family, and will not be apart of a family here, God will still provide moments, and oppertunities, during my lonliest times. Friendships in the making. With the big and the small. I am learning that I cannot expect encouragment, and I cannot place that expectation on anyone, however, when it does come, I am so thankful. Missionary life is teaching me so much, and that the only true encouragment comes the Lord. Spending time in prayer before school this week, has helped tremendously.

Thanks again, for reading this. It's a rather clumsy post, and I have much more exciting things to say, but I'll wait for another day..

October 8, 2007

2011-10-12T06:32:00.002-05:00

The story told: 23 years ago , a young couple in Texas was expecting their first child and neither had parents around to help them. They were alone in this, and some elderly friends of theirs, a couple by the name of Roy and Rhea Leach came to visit. They had known the couple from church. Roy had a brother, Don, and Rhea had a sister, Donna. (The two brothers were married to the two sisters, if you can follow that). Don and Donna had heard that this young couple had no parents to help, so they and their daughter Marilyn went to the hospital to see this new baby girl. The details, I am unsure of, but this older couple decided to “adopt” the younger couple, and this little girl. The young couple were my parents, and I was the new baby.
According to my parents, they went to doctor’s appointments, babysat and did all things that parents do to help with their child with the first new baby. They were always Papa and Grandma Donna and Aunt Marilyn for as long as I can recall. I really do not remember when I found out we weren’t related I just remember being surprised. I think of my grandfather, and I think of a most loving, self-sacrificing man. Probably the most I’ve ever met. Every Christmas, every birthday , my grandparents were there. I went swimming in their pool every summer. Papa was always taking me to the park. I remember him giving me rides in his wheelbarrow, that was my favourite. We went to carnivals, parades, and to the food lion together. I loved going to the food lion with papa, another favourite memory. My grandparents were a constant part of my life. I begged mom to let me spend the night at their house, and I also nagged her on making them my legal guardians. (I was an odd child, in that most children are not concerned about having legal guardians).
I almost never saw papa apart from Grandma Donna. She was his sweetheart, and he her honey. They constantly held hands, and loved until death did them part. They did everything together and everything for each other. My grandparents marriage was a beautiful picture of what a marriage ought to be.
Four years ago, my papa was received at the gates of heaven. I’m not sure what the gates of heaven actually entail, but I know and believe that there is something of the sort because the Bible has written of it. What do I know of these things? Not much outside of what the Bible mentions. Will there be harps? Choirs? Literal mansions as the ones we think of? It is all so mysterious still, but I take comfort in knowing that it is good. It is the best thing we can hope for. To spend an eternity with God, which that alone, tells me it must be good.
Papa’s faith is what inspires me most. I did not really appreciate until after he was gone. Of course, I knew they were Christians and I sat with them in church many Sundays. But later I learned that Papa would pull out his prayer list daily and go through everyone on the list. He sought out service to others, and memorized the written word. He was a spiritual giant in my eyes. I remember papa catching him with his Bible in his lap often. I think of him often, and how seriously he took his faith.
I cannot write much more, as tears still come to my eyes, which do not seem to stop. My mother even wrote a story, (which I will post if I can get her to send it) about us. I recall it involving that food lion maybe? And a little toy rabbit he gave me, which I continued to call “beady eyed bear”. He even got a little bed for it, and cut a cloth blanket out for it. My favourite game was finding the bear. He used hide in their house and I would search up and down for that little animal. However, one day papa hid it so well, he couldn’t even find it. It turned up just a few years ago when my Aunt cleaned out the house. Such sweet memories.
One day, we shall meet again. I look foward to that day. I can reminisce and enjoy the memories which were made in the 19 years we spent together. I smile, and hope in the eternity we will enjoy together in the presence of Jesus. Then, we part no more

Thank you again Sara Groves..

2011-10-04T08:22:00.002-05:00

I was about to give up and that's no lie
cardinal landed outside my window
threw his head back and sang a song
so beautiful it made me cry

took me back to a childhood tree
full of birds and dreams

from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else

I don't know what's making me so afraid
tiny cloud over my head
heavy and grey with a hint of dread
I don't like to feel this way

take me back to a window seat
with clouds beneath my feet

from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
you can see something else
something else

From this one place-Sara Groves

Have you got a pet? Or the time...

2011-10-04T08:20:00.000-05:00

Slovakian life is busy..

And pardon the title, I am teaching British English, so that's my grammar lesson for the day..

Not to excuse myself. This morning of choas ended with My bosses letting me "relax" this afternoon and tomorrow. I wont' go into details, but my ever understanding roommate took me to Slavo and Martina's office and I told them about my culture shock some, stress, and a few other things and they were very understanding. It's amaazing what happens when your honest about your feeings. I am not always good about that, especially with people I don't know well.

So thanks to their compassion, and Emily's empathy, having "been there" as a newcommer, I am now able to lock away in the computer room, away from students, faculty and just catch up with emails, and this blog. I try to glance at Cnn.com and a quick sweep of facebook mini-feed each day as well as read the emials sent to me, but reponse is hard.

I am still experiencing some culture shock, as much as I hate to admit it. It's incredibly difficult sometimes. yesterday, there was no one to translate the faculty meeting which lasted an over two hours. That wears on you. Granted, I am learning the language, but it does not come overnight. On this blog, I will be honest about missionary life. It's not always pretty. We are not superheroes of the faith by any means. Missoinary life is not perfect, and it can be messy. I've broken several cultural norms unawares, struggle with the language, I get frustrated, and I've had moments where I just long to see someone familar, to be at home with my family, to have coffee with a close friend, someone to laugh at Dwight Shrute with..(Hulu nor Nbc. com works here by the way..) well, you get it right? Sometimes I feel like a child. After spending the last nearly three years of my life in Chicago, America's third largest city, living an independent life, I now feel needy. Needing a translator, needing soemone to assist to the store or on the bus because there are different ways of doing things..

Missionary life requires great sacrifice, as I am learning. However, with it comes great joy. When you finally beging to understand even the smallest of phrases and words, when you can go to a grocery store and converse in their language, when you hear a worship song that you know in your first langauge, when a friendship is made, when a student tells you that English is her favourite class..it's the beginning of what is to come. I am enjoying the Bible study that I'm attending at church. Even thought it's translated, I feel welcomed. Last weekend some of the girls invited me to a cave with them, and I highly enjoyed it. I thank God that I am here. I really do. It takes time, and effort, but I know I am called to be here. Forgive this unsystematic, rather raw read. It's been a long past two days, full of joy and tears for various reasons. Pray as I continue to learn, to lay down and surrender. Thanks for the prayers everyone. You have no idea how precious they are.

Here is the latest email I sent..two weeks ago. Sorry blog world..

2011-10-04T08:00:00.001-05:00

Greetings! 9/18/11

I cannot believe I have been here in Slovakia for a little over one month. Time never slows regardless of where in the world one is located. This email will be a longer one, so brace yourself. If you do not read all of it, I will not take offense ;)

Where to begin..

Culture/History:
Slovakia is considered to be on the borders of central/Eastern Europe. Slovakia’s capital is Bratislava, and I reside three hours away in Banska Bystrica (Banska Bistritsa). Bystrica is located in the mountains (hills as they call them, but after living in Texas and Chicago, they look like mountains to me). Bystrica is one of the bigger cities, but is still smaller than Dallas or Chicago. They scenery is beautiful, and its nice to look around and see “green”. There is a “British Walmart” called Tesco, and few local grocery stores in regards to food. The western influence has brought in a shopping mall, which contrasts the “Square” which was built long before the mall. The square has many shops, restaurants and is the center of Bystrica. There is a small castle, many cathedrals, a cemetery, and giant clock tower which can be heard a mile and half away, because I hear it at home, a mile and half away. I enjoy taking walks through the square. Sometimes you may find street instrumentalists, tourists, and random festivals. They have already had two that I know of in the past month.
The culture here is an interesting mix. The west has already begun its way in, but the east still holds some influence. Slovakia is a former communist country and it much of that still has a hold on the culture here. The younger generation is not much affected, but anyone usually older than 50 struggles. The government still operates in communist form. Everything requires paperwork, they take their time, they change their minds, and everything has to have specific notarized stamp. (They love their stamps here) Post-communism shines in almost anything. For example most buildings are painted in pastel colours both inside and out (including my office at school, It’s a bright peach). No colors were allowed during communism, so now they want everything to look like Easter. The older ladies all have purple, blue, maroon or pink hair because hair-dying was also not allowed. During communism, everyone was required to lean German or Russian and was expected to speak it. Churches were regulated, and like all communist countries, controlled by their government. Everyone here is grateful to be a free nation, but the communist weight still lingers. Just two years ago, Slovakia joined the European union and switched from the crown to the Euro.
The language spoken here is Slovak, which is similar to Russian and that has proved beneficial to me. They are both members of the family of Slavic languages and I have discovered many similarities. Some words are the exact same, some have different endings and of course some are entirely different. For example “kniga” is Russian for book but “Kinha” is the Slovak word. Thankfully Slovak has a much simpler alphabet which reads phonetically unlike the Cyrillic Alphabet, which took me forever to learn. However, I sometimes do confuse the two languages and I still respond in Russian sometimes, but most of the time they understand me. I love language learning and hope to get a firm grasp on Slovak soon.
Adjusting has been easy in some ways, hard in others. Getting paid in Euros is new, and credit cards are not common here. I have never had this many coins in my pocket before..the Euro is full of coins. This is a very last minute culture, so my type-A personality has had to be flexible with last minute memos, and scheduling changes. Of course language barrier is never easy, and being the “new kid” anywhere is always hard. However, being in Ukraine for a few months has helped, so honestly, some differences do not even occur to me. Living in Chicago for almost three years has also helped. For example, I am used to walking everywhere and bringing bags to sack my groceries. Certain things do not phase me.
The Food here is pretty similar to Ukrainian food, minus the borsch. Lots of bread and potatoes. Many dairy products, and soups. The chocolate of course is excellent and I like the tradition of drinking tea and coffee after a meal. The food isn’t too much of a change for me, but it is a little more expensive and gluten free is a new thing. Celiacs is not common here yet, but its on the rise I suppose. I enjoy the many fruits and vegetables 
Another interesting fact is that there is no separation between church and state here. For example, pastors are paid by the government like anyone else and the school I teach is “Christian” but considered a public state school, also government funded. The country is predominately Catholic, and many of my students come from that background or non-religious families. Most churches here are Catholic, and many of the holidays are Catholic, but I attend what is close to a First Evangelical Free Church, Emily attends a Baptist church, and there is a Lutheran church, seventh day-Adventist and an Apostolic church in the city. There are still many aspects about the culture I have yet to learn, but I still enjoy the learning process 

School
I work at an Elementary school, with the best ESL program in the city. If you want to look at it, here is the school’s website: *******. I am the youngest faculty member, because most people my age are still in school. The European school system differs from the American. You cannot get a job without a master’s here, and “high school” is very similar to our undergrad system. I am always still amazed at language learning here. These kids not only take English, but are offered Spanish and Russian, and do have to choose one by the 5th grade in addition to continuing English, which is taught from the first grade on, not optional. This is the school’s first year with a 6th grade class, and each year the school adds on a grade until they reach the 8th. I am really enjoying teaching so far. I was intimidated at the thought of teaching 4-6, because for the past 4 years or so I have consistently worked with little guys, but pre-teens seemed scary. However, my students and I have connected pretty well. My kids speak English pretty well. The 4th graders are crazy still, and kids are kids but so far I haven’t had any major issues  . They are at a funny age though, the 4th and 5th graders are still at “we can’t intermix in fear of contracting cooties” and the 6th graders are somewhat like that, but some are discovering their hormones and that maybe cooties don’t exist after all..Honestly, it is somewhat amusing to watch. I have “lunch duty” once a week with the kids and I asked them to teach me some Slovak and I had an entire crowd around me last week. They really are sweet, and I am enjoying getting to know them. I have even spent some time with the little kids, and their English is not quite as good, but they are quite fun. The first graders especially, are still so new to school, and they hold hands and are easily awed. One little boy knows very random words in English which surprises us all, and likes to go around pretending he is a car during the day. He will pause to tell you something in English and the go about attending his “car duties. “ One of my 5th grade students asked me where I was from, and I told him Texas, and he said “Ooo! Sombrero! You have?”.
I currently teach 18 hours a week and will soon add on a faculty ESL class. Many of them have been requesting it and once I get settled into my required teaching hours, I will develop a curriculum for the teachers. In addition to teaching English, I also co-teach four classes with a Slovak teachers, to develop bi-lingual education. I teach Art and a sociology/ethics class. . I did not ask to teach these, as I feel qualified for neither but since I’m co-teaching it shouldn’t be too bad. For 5th and 6th grade,it is interesting, but not too difficult. Honestly, the art class will probably be the biggest challenge, due to my non-artistic abilities. The other class is actually pretty interesting so far but we’ll see how 5th graders handle decision making, problem solving and the outcome of their decisions based on how they choose a solution..they get to grasp ideas such as “individualism” and “utilitarianism” in their second language…as 10-11 year olds. Coming soon we will start working on the winter Musical, but its one step at a time for now.
Being a full time teacher is fun, and I wasn’t sure what to expect coming in, but I am enjoying it. Its hard, but its worth it. I anticipate the upcoming school year and I know challenges will arise (they already have) but I stand back and thank God for calling me to this.

Personally…

I am adjusting decently here. I like it here, however culture shock is still inevitable and still wearing off. I have had moments where I wish I could run out to coffee with a close friend, but I know deep relationships take time. I miss my family, and wish they could be here with me, but I am beginning to make relationships with the faculty at school as well as people from my church. My roommate Emily has been a huge help also. She is from Texas as well, and has lived in Slovakia for four years now. Many people here have been very kind and helped me as I get settled in to my flat and start school. We have most things we need in our flat, minus an extra bed. I was on the couch until this weekend, and Emily graciously offered to switch with me. I figure until we get another bed we can alternate. Part of missionary life  I am still working on getting my Visa, which has been rather painful. The foreign police here still run with communist mindset. They ask for something, you give it, they its “and now this, and this...” They don’t like to tell you everything upfront. My first work permit was rejected due to the notarized stamp on my diploma not being the correct color stamp, and I had to have another copy sent from the states. They stamp and notarize everything here, and there is much paperwork required. I will spare you the details of that, but I now have my work visa but am waiting on my permission to stay. It should be here within the next 2-3 weeks, but please pray if you think about it! I have until mid-November to get it, otherwise I go to Croatia or Ukraine for a bit then get to come back however, in the middle of the semester I’d rather not.

Ok, if you read this letter, you may now wipe the sweat off your brow..It was long and tedious I’m sure! This will be the only letter with such length, you have my word. I just have so much I wish to tell you all, and I wish I could put everyone on plane and take you out to coffee with me! Please pray for my visa to be completed soon, and that I will continue to adjust and build relationships. There are a few ministry opportunities at my church I am praying about but I am trying to evade the fallacy of jumping in too quickly. I still trying to work out my school schedule, which is different day-to-day and adjust to teaching first. However, I do wish to be involved in church ministry and I am excited about what the Lord is doing right now within the church here. Thank you all for your prayers and support. Please keep me posted on your lives as well!

Final Countdown

2011-08-06T23:27:00.001-05:00

Not much time to really blog, but I feel like trying. I have been spending two weeks in Texas prior to leaving for Slovakia. I haven't really had much time to think and process, but I confess that I have not really made time for it either. Everyday is filled with people, tasks and some relaxation when time allots. I love it. I did enjoy my tuesday of just sitting at home reading, purposefully taking the day "off". I have not done that since Christmas break.

Texas is a sweltering sauna in its current state. 110 degree heat, never dipping below 95 even at night. It is not only miserable but it makes me nervous for the people here. They are about to break a record of 40 something days of 110+ degree heat with no rain. Drought is in sight. I went to visit my family in the country today and they farm for a living. Times are rough. Mercy with rain is being asked for.

Today I had to miss a very special wedding, that of my former roomates Dawn Scheler, now Dawn Reigel. I tried so hard to go, but the flights were horrible, for someone leaving the states in 5 days. I couldn't do it. Im so sorry I couldnt attend, but will this only be a taste of life to come? I think of how much I will be missing out on while in Europe. The thought makes me cringe with sadness. It is a sacrifice.

I was also in a car accident yesterday, irrelevant to anything else, but it just sucked. Im ok, minus soreness all over and the wicked slashes on the back of my right leg. I think Im getting those checked before I leave..infection is not welcome right now, (or ever). There are many emotions related to this, but Ill leave it here.

I feel like this is a rather somber post. I am very excited about next week, so many new things, anxiety (especially regarding my visa..come on paperwork..) I am in a kind of funk, finding myself trapped. I cant enjoy the outdoors, because the heat will kill you, literally. I've even tried swimming in the mornings, but that usually lasts all of 20 minutes due to excess thirst and merciless sun. We keep the lights off during the day, and don't use any electricy minus the air and ocasional TV and computer. Lights out everyone. I tried to walk the dogs in the evenings, but even they tire out fast. I look forward to cool air, no more driving a car, being outside and starting my new job. I will miss it here so much. My Country, my home..and it will all change while Im gone. I dont do well with change. At all. Sometimes I ask myself why Im doing this, but I know God has called me and with faith I will go. Faith. Lots of faith. Everything is moving too quickly. So much has changed in the last few months and I am ready for the next page to turn. Some things I wish I could erase or change, but the past will remain as is and the future is yet to unfold. I am very blessed to have the friends, family and support that I do. I really do. Only 2.5 days left in Texas, my last day in the states to be spent in Chicago. I can't wait. I have enjoyed the freedom here, no work, just people and the too many books I bought from half-priced books. I truly have a problem, I am an addict to books. I am trying to read about 7 right now, because my precious books cannot all travel with me. I am basically married to them. (After all, to graduate from moody isnt it a requirement to married to something? sorry, I just had to throw that in..I really am pro marriage)

I'll stop with the sass..but it is nice to be arround single friends here. I am very happy for my married friends though, and one day, whenever it be, I will settle down and do the same, but now is not my time. I have a world to travel and a gospel to spread. I will miss moody though. It does seem odd to not be preparing for another semester, well, I am but as a teacher this time. Many memories there, a very precous time in my life. If I think about it too much, Ill get sad.

Ok, it is 11:26, why am I awake? Its time to read. A few chapters from each book. A few good novels, a Dorothy Sayers mystery, add some Sproul and Schaeffer, topped off with some philosophy and call it a night. Its a good way to end.

A more detailed update

2011-07-05T17:33:00.000-05:00

Summer school has ended, so now I have more time to give a detailed update. I am officially a college graduate now that I have completed my two final courses at Moody! It feels slightly anti-climatic, but I am finished nonetheless. I have three weeks left in Chicago. This summer is going by much too fast for me. I leave in one month to Slovakia, August 10th to be exact. I will be flying up from Dallas to Chicago that morning, spend a few hours here and fly out of O’Hare around 10 P.M . I have one stop in Warsaw, and then Vienna where I will be picked up and driven to Banska Bystica, my soon to be home. I have housing worked out there, and possibly a roommate, the other American English Teacher, Emily. I am very excited, but just now beginning to process and say my goodbyes. I thank everyone who has been supportive and praying for me during this time. I have much to finish up before I leave Chicago! I look forward to spending time with my family in Texas. In the next few weeks, I will be finding replacements for my babysitting jobs, still working some, going through my storage unit, selling and packing, visiting friends and having visitors come here. My cousin from San Antonio is coming up and my best friend from High School is coming at the end of the month! I feel like life is in a whirlwind, and will probably feel that way for a while now. I am ecstatic about moving to Europe, but many emotions go with that. Moving to a place where I know no one, learning a new language, starting a full-time teaching position, attending a new church that has to be translated, its seems like a lot. I am excited, and I know it will be stretching. I have a little over three weeks to get used to life, and begin lesson planning and jump right into faculty meetings. The rollercoaster will soon slow down!

My biggest prayer request as of now is getting my diploma from Moody. I need it soon to send over a notarized copy to the school for my work visa. Paper work can take a while. I am also praying that my background check makes it over there soon as well. Getting this visa seems to be the only complication at the moment. Overall, thank you everyone for your support thus far!

2011-06-30T14:17:00.000-05:00

Today might win an award for being the slowest day ever..

I am grateful to be working, but I prefer to nanny over HR office. The office just sits. Not many applications coming through and the phones aren't really ringing.

I like getting paid to play with Nurf guns, and baseballs. Writing funny stories, making up songs...thats where it is.

Only one month left of that. Well, for a year. Maybe not completely, ESL with Children does give opportunity for creativity. Probably not the nurf guns though..

I purchase the plane ticket next week. Sorting my things begins this weekend.
2 pages left then I am finished with Moody.

Kids are here for camp. Memories. *chills* I think back and wonder if I really was that obnoxious as a teen. yikes.

Allergies on the rise.

I want to take a nap..but after this I go babysit. Its worth it.

I want to run some laps around this building. That would be socially inappropriate..I'd be the "norm breaker". Thats just unprofessional.

Tip: Apply for the job. You cannot get it because "God told you to apply." we need an app.

I am shot. brain dead.

The Copy Machine versus Harry Potter

2011-06-10T19:37:00.001-05:00

Finally. Should be starting my paper..but Im still mad.
I held up a good fight with the library copy machine..a 40 minute one.

I grew weary..

Today has been productive though, in a good way. The past two weeks have been busy with no end in sight. I began the day with my final hermeneutics lecture, in starbucks, with my professor paying for my coffee. Shout out to Ernest Gray. Its been an awesome ride. I then walked downtown to get my background check and fingerprints sent off for my Visa. I did my grocery shopping, ate lunch, ran some more errands, and was feeling pretty good about myself until the copy machine episode.

I am now watching Harry Potter, and taking a mental break. Its the fourth movie, and Im at the part where fourteen year old Harry and Ron are trying to ask out girls to the ball. Hilarious.

I find myself comparing Moody to Hogwarts..probably not a good comparison. Can you imagine us using the word "rubbish" on our profs? Who would represent Harry and He-who-must-not-be-named? It is amusing really, in my head. Maybe its me and the downstairs copy machine...that seems very anti-climatic..and extraordinarily dull.

Logistics can be frightfully tiring. I feel like a true grownup. I booked my first rental car and hotel for next weekend's wedding extravaganza, and there is still much to be done in regards to the big move.

One month plus a half, is my time left in America. So weird. Yet so enthralling.

My plane ticket is now being paid for. That is the latest news I have on that. I am very grateful. Very grateful. I am thankful that God continues to lay out everything before me, and grant me the most undeserving of blessings.

Two weeks left of school. Psalms class, plus Faith's wedding intertwined with work and friends.

I need to find my planner..Im not in panic mode yet..

Oh dear, my movie is freezing..I must check to see what is the matter with it..

Actually, I should get started on my paper...

Harry Potter finale..one month

Transition. Next Chapter..turning the page..

2011-06-02T16:18:00.000-05:00

Ok, Here’s the story:

I knew my last semester of college was upon me, and being the plan ahead, choleric type I am, I began to figure out the next step. My plans have changed slightly throughout this year and I decided to take a year off to work while taking time to apply to seminary. I began searching for a full-time job back in February. I had a few interviews here and there for full-time nanny jobs in Chicago, applications out and waiting to see what was next. Around March I inquired on a teaching position for an elementary school in Slovakia that I had discovered through Moody. I gave them a little info on myself and then told them I am not interested in overseas work at this time. Well, time has passed. I have had two people tell me they want to hire me, but need me to begin in the beginning of June. Summer school cut right in. Very frustrating. I knew I needed to be in Summer school, that way I would be guaranteed to finish my degree but needless to say, I was disappointed. Well, literally about two weeks ago, the school contacted me again. I assumed they filled their position because they took their posting off of Moody’s career webpage, but they asked if I had changed my mind. I pondered it, and thought it would be worth a shot. I skyped an interview, which I thought went terrible in my mind, sent my full resume in and waited. Monday morning, an offer came. Shocking. Whirlwind. Head spinning still.. The best part: I had one week to decide. I have been in a spin all week. Being the Skeptic I am, I thought it was too good to be true. I began asking question upon question, and in the past few days have uncovered much:

Its paid, not a lot, but enough to live on. Teacher’s salary, but sufficient.
They help me with housing, and I will have roommates.
I have been in contact with my new future American co-worker, and she has lived in Slovakia for four years as a missionary, and has been very helpful this week. Bonus: she is from Texas 
I have also been in contact with the American couple who has been teaching there for two years, they have also been extremely helpful and I look forward to meeting them this fall.
Two American families from ywam? (Spelling check..) are around
The school is associated with a church and there is a youth group I can be help out with.
I will have health insurance.
They know what Celiacs is.
My visa is being paid for, possibly my plane ticket.
Slovakia is next to Ukraine, so visits will come 
I am living in Europe.
I will teach 4-6 six grade ESL
Vacations exist.
Did I mention I will be living in Europe for a year?

The downsides are, only having 2 months left in Chicago and trying to figure out a trip to Texas. I will miss Chicago dearly, and all my friends in family scattered between Texas and Chicago. But, I am not going to ramble about that right now. I do realize that there will be challenges, and time of discouragement to come. I have been rationalizing this and not trying to over romanticize this idea. Many prayers, and tears have been in this process. I am very excited about this opportunity. I have sought counsel from my parents, church and a few select others and this seems to be God’s will. I am still in utter bewilderment, and I still feel like I am in a dream. Surreal. I cannot believe God has presented this to me. I could not have come up with this on my own. His ways surely are higher than mine and his plans very different. I am leaving comfortable Chicago to go actually use my degree (which is very exciting!) to go learn a new culture, new language and new ministry. Holding things loosely still, but I am anticipating the next few months. Well, I have a million things to do it seems, and I could elaborate so much more. God is so wonderful, and I am very thrilled about this. More details to come soon. I will be sending out letters and such and if anyone wants to contact me please do!!
*IM MOVING TO EUROPE!**

Less than 24.

2011-06-01T22:40:00.000-05:00

24 More hours,
or less
Waiting is hard.
This decision is hard.
This decision is big.
Many prayers.
Many tears.
God works in the oddest of ways.
His timing is way off from mine,
but His is perfect.
I must trust this.
I think I know the answer, but
patience requires me to wait.
Thank you blog,
for hearing me out.
Thank you Jesus for carrying me through,
Thank you for this week,
for having to decide,
making me be a grown up
and not choosing the easy way out with an automatic "no"
This has been a trying week,
Surreal.
And then some.
Exciting, frightning, wonderful, terrifying,
all at once.
Too good to be true,
but it is true.
This is really happening,
This could be..
Unexpected,
indeed.
Overhelming,
Oh yes.
Tears of joy, agony, stress and pain,
so much to take in at once,
all questions to be answered,
what is left?
To give an answer..
And tomorrow,
I shall.

Just say it. Speak.

2011-05-29T12:44:00.000-05:00

Speak. Say it. Say it loud.
Be heard. Let your voice be heard.
You have voice. You have a voice.
Scream. Scream aloud.
Be heard. You, be heard.
Let the world hear you.
You have been repressed,
for that, I am sorry.
They were wrong.
Now I tell you otherwise.
You have been given a voice.
Use it.
Speak.
Its ok, Im telling you.
It is ok.
I will listen.
Its OK,I promise
Speak.

Word to the Wise.

2011-05-29T01:24:00.000-05:00

I went out, intentionally leaving my umbrella at home thinking "I will surely be back before that forecasted rain".

Wrong.

That is what I get for ignoring the forecasting and leaving behind my rain resitent covering because it was "too heavy". I ended up with a decent amount of wet from a nearly two-mile walk.

I also got to chat with one of closest friends tonight, Breana. I love this girl to the max. You know that person you can call anytime you feel like it? She's that person. We've been friends since our freshman year of high school. We have recieved write-ups together (oh gym class, our first meet) for skipping classes, I think I recall serving a detention once together for a different class..(probably tardies or who knows what), joined the history club with our favorite teacher Mr. Clemmons (best class ever..seroiusly, this man made me fall in love with history in his ever-so creative methods...Making jokes of ourselves in front of the tennis team after-school as we gave our hand at the sport..and blaring our music and dancing in our parked cars in the parking lots..taco bells runs..Shoe-polish wars..getting pulled over..laughter and tears..oh the list could go on. I think a blgo post dedicated to this girl is in the near future.

Anyway..I tell Breana pretty much everything I can think of. She knows me quite well, to say the least, and tonight I got to talk to her on the phone about my emotional semester. One thing that came up, was wisdom. I was reminded of how wisdom is gained. It is gained through study, asking and experience, most of all. For example, my story of the unbrella taught me to never ignore the warnings of the weather forcast again if I am walking a long distance. I think the greatest wisdom is gained through experience. Godly wisdome does not come easy, it comes with a price. Making mistakes and humilty are one form as well as suffering. I personally think they go hand-in-hand. If we think about it, as we grow older we experience more and learn more. One may ask the ever-fun epistemological question "Well how do you know?" (its not really obnoxious, only if asked in sarcasm or if the asker is really dense on the subject) Much of the time we can answer based on the fact that we have been there. "Been there, done that" as some say. We learn from our mistakes, we learn from circumstances given to us. Its not easy. Its not easy nor encouraging to feel the shame from a blundering move we've made or something said without thought or care. However, we do remember it, and we (hopefully as we gain wisdom), do not repeat the same mistake. This semester I can say I have gained wisdom yet again, in the areas of friendship and relationships. A never ending journey which I will not reach the end of while on this earth. Through trial and error I learned what to be as a friend, and what not to be. A friend loves at all times, and a friend truly doth stick closer than a brother, if he is a true friend. Of course I will disappoint, and so will they but the foundations and principles remain the same. I should surround myself with other wise friends, who challenge me, spiritually encourage me, emotionally support me, build up, and dare to confront. That is one of the hardest tasks to carry out. Always. A wise friend asks the hard questions and confronts the concerns and wrongs. Had it done to me, and Ive had to do it this semester. Oh it hurts, both ways. I agonize over confrontation. It gives me ulcers. However, if I am to remain a true friend, I must accept and give out. I despise it, but conflict will continue to arise, especially in ministry. Wisdom is much needed in relaionships..
I gratefully enjoy being reminded of the words penned in Proverbs regarding wisdom. Wisdom begins with the fear of the Lord. Revernece and worship for Him are the first step in advancing in wisdom. We are told to not keep companions of fools but surround ourselves with the wise. We are told ot listen to instruction and advice. Do not follow your own path, but the Lord's. Don't make hasty decisons.Wisdom brings life.

Gaining wisdom and discernment is not easy. I like asking questions and learning from those who have walked before me. I really love learning, truly.(Confessions of an acadamic nerd) And I ask questions to all my professors outside of class (true story, class seems to intimidate me to much..too many humans in one room to hear me speak and choke up on my words because I fear crowds and large groups.) I also like learning of people. Who are you and whats your story? (The fidiest in me emerges). People have stories all given to them, and I like to know more.I also like to know details. I ask questions that may make people squirm..the naturally skeptic self reveals itself constantly it seems..I question many a thing, which seems to drive some mad, but I cannot take everything at face vulue and be satisfied. It is as if my ears are trained and ready for red flags. Everyone's favorite classic killjoy, may I be. I never mean for a person to doubt himself or such, or offend anyone ever, but It I like to understand people's presuppositions as well as help them understand their own. I am not always skilled at that, but it comes about in varoius ways. Outside of asking, I have been crushed and perplexed, at a loss of understanding many a time. Right now, what does August behold for me? Where do I go? I need wisdom. All the time. I have rabbit-trailed several times in this post. That is what happens when a million thoughts all at once gather together for the midnight cry.

Wisdom. So much to be learned of you and from you. I ask the Lord for it, and gain it in ways unexpected. Oh that I may know the depths of widsom from heaven, and to carry that all the days of my life. Wisdom, may it never leave my side as it carries me along in santification. Wisdom, a precious gift gained through anguish, distress and affliction. As the writhing soul cries out in utter desperation to be rescused from its tormenter and afflicter, may it remember a reward ending in wisdom. To agony: you will be replaced by a holy knowledge and understanding. Perception and good judement gained. Torment and anguish replaced by prudence and discernment. I express gratitude to the Lord for this great gift. That we by nature, fools leading fools, may now be granted godly wisdom, is that not such a blessed thought?

Inertwined: Celiacs, depression, and food.

2011-05-21T15:09:00.000-05:00

Today is one of those days, one of those days I really much watch myself. That, sounds like I need a babysitter.

I have struggled with depression since I was in Junior high, severely. To think back on those suicidal days gives me chills. Its a bondage, it really is. Its a constant battle at times. A daily fight. To be in a moment, screaming out to God to take your life and end the horrific pain and torture felt at the given time, then waking up the next day, thinking it was all a dream. It feels like a split personality. I go through spells or "episodes", depending on the occasion. A spell is an extensive period of time perhaps a few months or so, where every other days is up and down, like a roller coaster. Onsets can be triggered by circumstances, and in some cases sin. For example, hardships, difficult circumstances ect.. those can lead up to a spell. Also, laziness, (spending time with TV versus the Bible), lack of fellowship in the church, or for some people, more explicit sins (drunkenness ect) can cause a spell. An onset is more of a trip for me. Its like I snap. I hate the onsets. Its like a monster emerging from me. One minute I am fine, then the next Im ready for the kill. From testing and experimentation, those have been triggered mostly by food. Who would have thunk it? Gluten. I was diagnosed as gluten/dairy intolerant 2.5 years ago. The worst was trying to remove the gluten. Mood swings were terrible. Trying to figure out what products contained gluten, was a nightmare. Physical pain goes hand in hand with auto-immune diseases, but the mental part was about equal. I felt so unstable. Thankfully, I have got this diet nailed by now. Who knew that this protein was causing a chemical imbalance and altering my hormones?

Today, I have to still watch what I consume. I have to keep track of my emotions and remain aware of where I am each day. On days I feel prone to being depressed, I try to remove other foods such as junk food and refined sugars. This helps. I also found that exercise is my biggest outlet to bring back the balance. Releasing the endorphins helps beyond what I thought it would. Journaling and writing also prove helpful. Most importantly, is crying aloud to God and staying in the word. Only the Lord can truly listen, truly perceive and understand what it is I am going though. Only He can heal. Others can be used by Him to help heal, but He is the one who does the healing.It seems like a lot of work sometimes, but its worth it.

Just a small testimony, and encouragement for anyone who suffers in this way, or anyone who thinks its fascinating. I am rather odd. Maybe this explains alot..

Flawed Presuppostions on Marriage.

2011-05-17T14:34:00.001-05:00

As of late, marriage seems rather the trendy thing to do around here. I am pro-marriage, I think it's a wonderful idea. Obviously, it was created by God and He makes all things good right? I think the institution of marriage portrays God's love for us, the fact that we can learn to love another human being, the shared intimacy, how artistically a God we serve! And how benevolent of him to allow us to partake in something so wonderful and beautiful. We could never come up with this on our own. They mystery of two becoming one, the analogy of us Christians as the bride of Christ is so rich. It bewilders and perplexes me to think of a gift so grand being so theological. Marriage was created for a man and woman, to be fruitful and multiply, to love and serve one another and so much more. Marriage is a good thing, something I hope for someday.

But,should we jump on the bandwagon because its the popular christian school thing to do? I will evade the fallacy of over-generalizing by commenting that I think Christian schools are great places to find spouses, and I have seen many a wonderful marriages stem from these couples. Again, I insert another "but". I have seen the raving passions and over-romanticized relationships take their seat at Moody. Was not marriage a community effort as recorded in ancient Jewish culture? The family was heavily involved as well as the rest of the community. This was a process and quite a big deal. Marriage was not a follow up to a month of dating. A couple did not decide courtship on their own. I feel sad and heavy for those I hear of entering a marriage due to passion and dreams. Yes, dream. Dream friends, and love, but use discernment and think. Let me refute a few common presuppositions I hear:

"Well, I knew (insert name of he/she), was the one."
-Where in the Bible is "the one"? If you find it, don't hesitate to inform me.

"I Corth. 7 says if we can't wait then we should get married"
-Do you understand the context of this passage? Paul is addressing the ravaging sex the Corinthians were having because they would not commit! This is not a command to "go for it" because you can't control your hormones. The language here is descriptive, not prescriptive. Hermeneutics my friends, hermeneutics. It does matter. It doesn't take a Greek scholar to figure this out. Laziness and isegisis result from the blindness of us our deceitful hearts, wanting to take a scripture from its original context and use it to defend ourselves. We shake our heads at the liberals yet we commit the same fallacy for different reasons.

"Proverbs says he who finds a wife.."
-Again, hermeneutics. Doesn't proverbs also warn us against hasty decisions without wise counsel?

Ok, I realize my language is strong, but this is a blog-post therefore I do not apologize. I am opinionated and passionate. This post is to cause one to think, not to quickly change the mind. The idolatry of relationships is a prevalent sin among Christian colleges. Marriage is a good thing, to be taken seriously. Take your relationship under an older-wiser couple. Invite the church in, invite your family in before you tell them your getting married. What do your friends say? The church has lost the biblical view of marriage. Oh, I have so much more to say based on my observations and my own personal study as well as interviewing others on this subject. Marriage is not the goal. glorifying God is. Marriage will not make you happier or satisfy you, only Christ can.

As one who will be entering the counseling field as well as continue to study theology, this is important to me. We wonder why the divorce rates are rising among Christians, do we really take marriage seriously as should be?

Tidbits, pieces, findings, snipits

2011-02-21T17:41:00.000-06:00

"Not following a method, but integration and the Holy Spirit's guiding."

"Sometimes we are too impatient to stop and and think on the story"

"There is a usefulness in brokenness that theologies have no patience for"

"Do we really believe God is doing a new thing NOW?"

'Come to God as you are, get rid of the perfection"

-At work in my class of three year olds I saw friendship happen. Two girls giggled over a doll. They smiled. Left me, and went on to play together for the first time.How simple, how innocent a friendship was made that day.

"He's not after our comfort but our character"

"Sanctification is cooperate, not just individual"

"Some of the most painful things in life are things are hearing things we were never meant to hear"

"Those who suffer those most hate violence the most. Those who suffer the most also gain an introspect the less suffered do not have. There is wisdom in pain and insight, the ability to empathize and recognize by the look in another's eyes."

"Do we use the past to justify the future or change it?"

"Be different"

"There is a theology of tears"

"God suffers with us"

"We are to be honest before God. Completely"

A few things not to EVER say when someone is expressing themselves: (and there are more)
-Get over it.
-It'll be ok
-Don't worry....
-You'll be fine...
Your wrong to feel____.

"By telling someone they can't feel, is taking away their person-hood. We are made in the image of God. God has emotions and feels them. Who are we to think another soul in not entitled to feel the way they feel? There is a difference between feeling and acting on those feelings. It is ok to feel. Let them feel. Do not rob someone part of what is in their creation"

"Get rid of the cliches. Stop pretending. Be real."

"Listen. Listen well. Listen actively. Be intentional. Ask questions. Spend 45 minutes asking questions, dont do most of the talking. Get to know someone where they are." (This applies to apologetics as well as Christians)

December 23.

2010-12-23T23:34:00.000-06:00

Today, I realize again, that Im slapped in the face with my sin.

Said it. there it is.

I turn the other cheek to receive a blow from reality and truth.

I should be asleep, but much is on my little mind...

I've realized that this Christmas season, I've been floating along, trying to "get through". The final weeks of school turned me into a zombie. 41 papers this semester, (Yes, I counted), 60+ pages turned in the final week. Just busy. Now Im home, and honestly, Im happy to be relaxed. But, I'm still trying to move on past the "state" the events of the past month has put me in. Emotions can really bite, so can harsh realities.

Facts and truth. Some hurt. However, there is some truth that I am choosing to neglect, and that I need to place again in my heart and my head.

The truth is, my heart is broken, but the truth also is that I serve a God who chose me and loves me, and has better things planned. I can only reflect on the hard for so long. Time to move forward. What that looks like, I don't know. Im slightly nervous, but I must gather the pieces and ask for healing. It is good to have mourned, but as the Psalmist says "Though sorrow may last for the night, Joy comes with the morning"

I need to focus on the Incarnation of Christ, and the sacrifice made. This is no time for a melancholy mood to sink in. God has provided in many other ways, and I must choose to focus on those.

Reconciliation may not come, but thats not my hope. My hope is to find healing in my Savior, and serve him in anyway He calls me to go, even if thats through the deepest waters. I anticipate returning to school, spending time with my students, working with the children Im entrusted to, new classes with new things to learn and possibility of new relationships as well as continuing the old. I want to enjoy the few days I have left here. I need to push past laziness and other distractions and stay in the word as well.

Goodbye dear friend goodbye
perhaps again we shall meet,
but not in the same discourse,
old friend, as it goes
"I bid thee farewell"
no longer more we shall meet as friends,
but as mere fellows who respect one another well
I will not forget the past or throw away what once was
but the future does not behold the same
I shake your hand and congratulate your gain,
I nod my head in approval.
forgiveness is at hand,
but I fear reconciliation may not be so.
I ask you leave me be,
Let us go our separate ways.
Your always welcome at my door,
but change will remain as is
Thank you for all you've done,
I truly mean all,
But now I part on good terms,
Goodbye is all.

"Let me go get your trouble can!"

2010-12-16T15:58:00.000-06:00

Did you know dogs could be trained with cans of coins rattling? They hate the noise. My sister now punishes our new dog with this...interesting

Home free finally. Unfortunately, I have a cold, which made for an awesome southwest flight. Mental health day is today. yes, yes it is. Sleep was great last night, in addition to seeing my family. Im still working on Seminary applications and my resume. In one week, I've turned in 60+ pages of work...in one week. Ive been in the "zone" for a month now. Im finally free! Ive turned in over 30 papers this semester. no quizzes and one objective test. so strange. But its over!

One more semester of college left. It feels so strange. Job hunting, seminary searching..weird. real life starts in June. I'm only home for almost two weeks, then I head home to work. Its weird to call Chicago home, but I do live an apartment. And I do have a job. Somewhat established life? This semester has been tough, but I survived. As usual, Im learning from it. Hard lessons, but yea, its life.

Can anyone explain intuition to me? Mine's outta control lately..its kinda weird.

Oh, the sinus meds are getting to me. I am done. done. I can't say it enough. done. ha ha. done done done done done!

"Well she wants to live her life
And she thinks about her life
Pulls her hair back and she screams,
"I don't really want to live this life!"

She only drinks coffee at midnight
When the moment is not right
Her timing is quite
Unusual

You see, her confidence is tragic
And her intuition magic"

Rollercoaster

2010-10-21T21:59:00.000-05:00

So this week is full ups and downs. Dontcha love it when you have to face reality? meh.

I think some reality is just plain crummy, but some is incredibly painful. I hate admitting things, but I know its good for me. How open am I going to be on here? I'll surface it, because I know there are readers out there who struggle with this, so here goes. Loneliness and rejection. Yes. Two things I hide from, avoid, run way ect..However, they exists and I am finally mustering up the courage to face these two. By nature, I typically have trouble crying. I will make the statement " I want to cry" and believe me, the desire is there but a tear may trickle...Finally I prayed the other night and wrote it out. Confessing before the Lord was not easy and the waterworks came out. I love when I do cry. Most days my emotions run deep, but not external. Im grateful in a sense, because I wont just cry anywhere and I can keep my cool. It usually takes alot to stir me. But a few nights ago it all came out. Oh, it hurt, and I literally prayed for Jesus to hold me. Finding comfort in talking to Him, confessing, stripping away pride, never fun but necessary. How else will the healing begin? I also had to write this paper about my life this week for mentoring women class, and that thing just stunk. It took way longer than I expected and was emotionally draining. This has been an unusually emotional week for me. I went to small group tonight and I am always encouraged by those people. I love my church. I am very grateful for a body of believers who care for one another and love the word. This church has such high standards and solid doctrine. I feel blessed. Oh, confessing is not fun, but thats why God gave us each other.

I've written some poetry this week, but thats not for publishing. yet. But in honor of poetry and the gift of laughter, I wlll post the Poem I wrote at 2 AM while on internship one night. Annie typed it in her phone, and we did read this aloud in our health class. So here it is..enjoy!

Dr. Suess on Celiac Sprue
Oh sprue
What did you do?
You damaged my nerves
You messed up my curves!
Don't eat the bread.
It'll mess up your head!
Down with the wheat
An enemy to defeat.
Gotta stay away from dairy
Because it's just so scary.
So many foods my body rejects
Now all edibles must be select.
The bread upon the shelf
Makes my body attack itself.
Going to the store is like a game
Sometimes I nearly go insane!
I inspect each and every label
Wary of foods to set upon the table.
Of each meal prepared I must beware
Oh patients of celiac, if you dare:
Eat the gluten
And you'll be poopin'.
Eat some bread
And you'll be dead!

Contextualize..

2010-10-15T20:57:00.000-05:00

Missions conference. Last year I was stressing out over searching for an internship. This year, I search for answers to difficult questions that most people would not think to ask. Postmodernism has creeped its way into missions, slowly morphing the minds of those who have passionate hearts and pure intentions, but lacking in absolute truth. Can you tell me the gospel? How do you present that to a religious system which intertwines culture and religion together so tightly? How can you reach the hardest of hearts, who understand nothing but shame and honor? What if they don't believe in sin? What god do they worship? ? Is he the same as YHWH? How far is too far in contextualization? Who is Jesus?

Many of these answers were unknown. These people question themselves.

Not all roads lead to heaven. We wish, we dream, we desire this..but its not reality. The road is narrow..

Deception. Heresy. Harsh? Yes, maybe so.

I am appalled, disgusted and angry at what I am discovering.

I say "How dare you."

What may seem ideal, is it truth?

Know you Bible. Know the Word. Be in it. Pray for discernment. Pray for wisdom.

May the Lord have mercy on us.

On the day of judgement may my hands remain clean of their blood.

Many call on the name of the Lord, but do not truly know Him.

This has to stop. The Gospel must be preserved. Must. Absolutely must.

"Take off your theology hats and put on your missions hat"....Really? What is missions without theology? What is one without the other? A symbiotic relationship that cannot be separated.

Who is with me?

Book Review: The legacy of Sovereign Joy-John Piper

2010-08-16T21:42:00.000-05:00

Let me begin by declaring my love for biographies. I highly enjoy reading about the lives and History of others. I am a history geek. In fact, I have enough college credits in history to minor in it, if I attended a secular university. It wasn't necessarily by choice, but it just happened. I enjoy reading about the accounts from the past. I find it fascinating to learn about how people, religion, politics and culture got where they are today.

Anyway, book.

John Piper is one of my favorite authors, and theologians. I enjoy listening to his sermons when given the chance, and have had the opportunity to see him speak once. He does an excellent job of applying theology to life. His writing style also has an emotional flare to it, which I highly relate to. This book " The legacy of Sovereign Joy", has brief biographies of Augustine, Luther and Calvin. Piper begins with the common theme of grace in the lives of these church fathers, and begins with their flaws. They are human, and like the rest of us, were sinners saved by grace. Augustine was once a addicted to sex, Luther had the mouth of a sailor, and Calvin approved the murder of a heretic. However, the work of God in all their lives is sovereign grace over sin abounding. Each of these men realized that God's grace and mercy is what saved them, and only He alone can grip, and change the heart of man. They find joy in God's saving grace, and strived to reform the church, and glorify God by studying the scriptures with a passion, and zeal to bring the truth of God to the church and glorify God alone. Of course, each man had his own flaws, each one suffered persecution and fought against the idea of man's free will to choose God, Pelagian philosophy. The battle between the authority of the church a tradition, and God's Holy word alone.

There is much to be learned from their lives, and one day I would like to read full biographies on these men. Augustine emphasized f
inding delight in God, and God alone. "Our hearts will not rest until they rest in you"-as quoted by Augustine, ( and I recall this quote from my Christianity and Western culture I class) "Loving God is being so satisfied in God and so delighted in all that He is for us that His commandments are not burdensome" (Piper 58). "Grace governs life by giving a supreme joy in the supremacy of God" (Piper 61). Luther's focus on studying the scriptures and applying them remind me of the importance they are as authority in our lives. Also, the necessit of praying and asking God for wisdom before studying His word. " You should completely despair of your own sense and reason, for by these you will not attain the goal...Rather kneel down in your private little room and with sincere humility and earnestness pray to God, through His dear Son, graciously to grant you His Holy Spirit to enlighten and guide you and give you understanding" (Ibid., vol. 3, p. 1359). Calvin shared the importance of expository preaching and biblical orthodoxy as well as God's supremacy He wanted nothing more than God to be glorified and for others to see God's truth.
It is encouraging, and such a wonderful reminder to me that God uses all saved sinners for His purposes. Despite my flaws, I am still chosen by God to bring Him glory and be used to further His kingdom. A lesson in true humility. Do not give up or try and earn back you favor with God, yet let God's grace abound and triumph over your sin, and praise Him for His power to forgive continuously.

'God has a great work for everyone to do. Do it with all your might-yes, and even with all your flaws and all your sins. And in the obedience of this faith, magnify the glory of His grace, and do not grow weary in doing good" (Piper 145).

Also, some other books I have read this summer/reading:
"Saved by Grace"-Anthony A. Hoekema : Very in-depth explanation of Salvation. It is a heavy read, so it is taking me time to work through. It is very good in its explanation of Salvation. I am still reading it currently, but recommend it thus far.

"Augustine's confessions"-Augustine: Still reading this as well, going through bits at a time, but its is very thought provoking, and written in the form of a prayer. I highly enjoy this so far. Good lessons on Humility and the life of Augustine.

"The Crescent through the eyes of the Cross:Insights from an Arab Christian"-Dr.Nabeel T. Jabbour: This book advocates the insider movement and explains much of the philosophy and thinking behind this movement. Poor hermeneutics, and mis-interpreting of scripture. I encourage Christians, especially those going into Muslim ministry, to read this book. You need to know what is out there. Read this with your bible, and check the scriptures referenced. I have already handwritten my book review on this, Perhaps I'll put it on here soon.

"The truth about " A Common word""-Sam Solomon and Al-Maqdisi. PLEASE read this. I have the actual book itself but you can read it on PDF here: http://www.answering-islam.org/fileadmin/authors/solomon/truth_about_common_word.pdf
It exposes the common word document, and after reading the Koran myself in context, it explains the basis of the "Insider movement" and "Common Ground". This is written by a former Imam, an ex-muslim. Deception is out there, and I have witnessed its reality and its presentation of a false gospel. The Insider movement and Common Ground cause nothing but deception, and is founded upon this document. How many Christians and Muslims alike are being deceived? In due time, I will write about my experiences with this.

I feel strange

2010-08-14T01:17:00.001-05:00

Texas is hot.

Its also busy. Why am I awake?

Anyway, one week left until I leave for Moody, my new apartment, and my amazing roommates, my job,and my senior year. Weird. So weird. I have been having reflecting some on my last year. I want to attend seminary, but at this point I am having to put that on hold, and work up to it. I can't get the idea of finding a real job out of my head. Life without school? super weird. However, I am equally excited about the idea finding a "real job", but will be more excited when I find out when I have that "real job" This weekend begins the construction of my resume and such. Yes, its early, but I am one of those who jump starts all the time when it comes to jobs. It does not guarantee me anything, but I will try. My desire is to stay in Chicago,or the surrounding suburbs, but we will see what God has in store. Either way, I want to start looking.

As far as moody goes, I will be more than ready to graduate, but will miss Moody and my companions more than anything. I am truly blessed with such a community of friends there. There are so many classes I want to take but can't, many moments I want to hold on to, but can't. I am making it a goal of mine to cherish this last year, and take every opportunity I can to invest. I also want to cherish my job(s). I won't be returning to daystar this fall, due to my schedule, and I am incredibly sad about this. I will miss those kids. But I still have Ian. I get to see him in less than two weeks! Goodness, I miss that kid. Im also filling in for another family on occasion that I was connected with during summer school. My job, working this little people, has been a great experience. Its never something I would have chosen to do from pure want, but I have learned so much from it, and grown. Who knows, maybe Ill teach children's ESL?

Oh, did I mention I my sweet friend, and former RA Ashley is now married? Yes, it was beautiful. Ashley has helped shape my life in more ways than she knows. My dear friend Christi is getting married next week, and I am trying to figure out if I can get there. She is a saint. Her wedding was originally planned for three weeks from now, but the U.S military is asking for her fiancee sooner than planned. True love, to move up your wedding, without complaints. Christi has been a huge influence on my life, in so many ways. So many..

Both of my roommates are in engaged now! Dawn just recently got engaged, and Faith has been since April. Both have wonderful Fiancees' and I am very excited about rooming with them! Faith and Josh are wonderful beyond words. Let me be a little sentimental here..Faith and I are like sisters now, and I get chocked up thinking about the two of them finally being able to marry. They have raised the bar for all couples and have been such a great example for me and others. Dawn, has the sweetest man, and the two of them compliment each other so well. Dawn has been a true friend to me in so many ways, including sleeping on a hospital windowsill with me overnight. Goodness, I can't wait to share life with these girls next year. I only wish we had done this sooner!! meh!

Ok, enough rambling. Its way late, and I still have an urge to read. Typing up LP's all day is daunting, and what a better way to unwind than an episode of boy meets word, friends, and a biography on John Calvin. Book reviews to come soon.

Speechless.

2010-07-16T22:41:00.000-05:00

It has been quite sometime since I updated. There is a very valid reason for this, actually a few. First premise, I am on internship and very busy. Second Premise, this internship cannot be describe, literally, not now. Conclusion: I can't write about it. Ok ,this is proably more of an inductive arguement rather than deductive, but the conclusion is more, I can write now, but still not about internship.

My philosphical brain side has emerged.If only it did that when I was in that class..

Well, some internship details will come later. I am tired,and I am inspired to write for whatever reason. I can tell you about the good things regarding my internship. (Note: I purposfully have not written in my internship blog, because I really don't know what to say there without being to surface level. That ain't my style)

ESL classes are so fun. I have to admit, 3.5 hours of it is really long, for me and my students. I teach a beginner class of 11 women from Yemen. THey are so great. Some are moms, some are young adults. THese women are so wonderful. THey learn fast, and handle well. One student, (one of the moms) does not fit the mold. She cracks jokes in class, plays with her veil, and prouldy shows off her Christmas socks she wears daily. It cracks me up. Her sarcasm level is also high, which I find highly amusing. I am also learning Arabic from them, and they love it. I love connecting with them. They also teach us Arabic dances and share their amazing food with us. I will never be able to buy hummus from a store again after this..

I only have two weeks left. Two week of English, and two weeks to show them Jesus. Thats all on that for now.

This summer has changed my life. Dramatically. I have new plans, new dreams, new goals, and have never been more passionate about the gospel in my life. Reasons will come later. I want badly to go to seminary. I want to study Apologetics, Theology and counseling. I want to be all three of these things. I want to continue ministering to Muslims, as well as build up the body of Christ. I want to further study Islam and Judaism. I am not sure where the future is headed, other than I know that I have one more year left at Moody. That is my current calling.

Also, thanks for all the prayers and encouragement for those who have been praying/calling/emailing/texting..ect..
I have never desired it or needed it more.
Oh, two more weeks. Bittersweet.Very. (I use that word alot)

Re-united and it feels so good..

2010-06-01T21:01:00.000-05:00

My computer is back! The power cord died..but I now have a new one.

One week until Internship. Summer school and work have been crazy busy, but time has flown by! I can't believe how quickly the last few have gone by. I love my summer school class though, (not the workload). I love Theology. I wish I was a theology major. It also helps philosophy make sense. Now everything is connecting..but I really do enjoy learning about God. There will always be more to learn. Grudem even discusses in His introduction that we are to study theology with humility. We will never know everything, even if think we do. Pride comes before the fall..

I can feel a change in my heart. Change is good, even if it seem strange at first. I have been attempting to slowly process things, examining my heart and bringing it before the Lord. Sin is ugly. I am thankful that God is immutable (one of my sys. theo terms!) meaning He never changes, even though I feel like I am in a constant state of emotional, and mental change. I feel so unstable sometimes. Even my body is undergoing change right now..it feels strange. Despite the physical change I am undergoing, I want my heat to continue to change and grow to become more like His, which will only happen if I stay close in my walk with Him. I long to draw to Him, and its only by His grace I am drawn.

I like my Sys. theo text book alot too. I really like it.

To be honest, I am not feeling that great at the moment, so I am just going to jot down a few thoughts.

the sunset was beautiful tonight. I watched if from the window, and it reminded me of how God displays His glory by such aesthetic means. Psalm 19:1

I love Sys. Theo. and The professor is hilarious and insightful. Yes, my roomates and I decided we will have him over for tea next fall. Along with other profs..I am such a nerd, but I fully embrace that part of me.

Internship in one week. I am excited. slightly nervous, but I am ready.

My support has almost fully come in. God's hand has been in that completely. I owe Him more praise and thanksgiving than I have been giving Him.

I am liking this time of healing.

I will miss my church this summer.

I am homesick for the first time in a while.

I am learning so much. Especially in the area of self-discipline.

Good bonding time with one of my future roommates.

I really miss my other roommate, Faith. So good to talk to her last night.

I am listening to all kinds of weird music, and am obsessed with grooveshark these days.

I will soon get to the bottom of my health, hopefully

I am learning to enjoy life in the moment.

I will miss my jobs this summer. Last days this week. Bittersweet.

I am now a senior. in college. weird.

Ghostbuters just came on my playlist..haha.

Bittersweet.

2010-04-29T23:38:00.000-05:00

Ah, I can honestly say, I am glad this chapter of life will soon end in two weeks. I suppose if you think of the semester ending as a chapter.

I do.

Normally, I do not want put a time table on seasons and chapters in my life, but as a college student, I think its legit.

The month of April has brought many showers..many I never wanted. Tension in relationships, failing health beyond any I have ever experienced before bringing about weakness and the need for help in many ways, a broken heart, none of these things which I wanted. Of course, who does? I ask for humility, and I truly mean it. I have questioned myself, is this really what I desire? However, it has been kindly pointed out to me, that I view humility in terms of legalism. Grace covers all. Nothing I can do will earn me favor in God's sight. Humility is to become more like His character and continue sanctification, but not to earn God's mercy. Christ already paid that price on the cross. How could I have been so blind to this truth?

Learning still, to process my emotions. To stop thinking so much, and start feeling. True honesty, pains the heart, but it is necessary.

I want this season to end. I was thinking tonight, I only have two weeks left. Everything will change. My living arrangements, my friends leave for the summer, classes end, summer school, more work, then internship. What a sense of relief I feel, looking forward to the summer. I do not know what it will bring, but I anticipate the turning of the page. I will look back, a month from now perhaps, and reflect on all I am learning in this moment. Hard lessons. However, I desire to grow. I desire to serve the church. I desire to be more like Him.

Psalm 139.

Stop running. Stop avoiding. It takes courage to face the truth.

Let love in. Let others serve me. We were made to serve each other.

Tomorrow is a new day. Literally, I am thankful for each breath given to me. Tonight, I wrote out a list of all I am thankful for. I didn't finish it yet, but I hope to soon. Ive wanted to make that list for awhile.

Mercies are new each morning. When I wake. "A new day is here, a new day to rejoice and be glad in. To be celebrated. To glorify God in. To be thankful for."

"Hallelujah, all I have is Christ"

Broken Eggs.

2010-04-13T23:39:00.002-05:00

Once again, in Joes. This is my new thing I guess. This time I'm with people though.

Working on it:)

I am seeing change in my heart, its so painful, but if my desire is to really be like Christ, then I need to keep asking for humility, whatever the cost.

EDIT****

So I did not realize this post published. It was definitely not finished. I was interrupted by a friend, (which is a good thing) and I guess I hit publish instead of Save.

Well, Today begins a new journey. I am pretty ok with that.

Grace. Big picture. It covers everything. Even our obedience. I didn't realize how much I still struggle with the concept..

Corners.

2010-04-06T22:34:00.000-05:00

I find myself again, in the school's coffee shop, writing a blog, tired of my homework. I have been people watching, and again, I feel so invisible at times, it can be a good and bad things. I feel like people perceive me as unapproachable at times, tired eyes, head in hands, headphones in. However, there are times where I think people just do not understand what the headphones mean. For example, when I am cooking, and my ipod is on, that says, "Do not disturb". But then, perhaps my moods can vary. At times, I do not mind the interruption, but other times I feel greatly annoyed.

Soap box. sorry.

I sometimes ask myself, perhaps daily, why do I continue to pray for humility? Humility hurts, it is painful, it is a process that I do not enjoy. However, I am called to be humble, and it is a process I need to undergo. I can honestly say my heart wishes to raise its complaints, and hold itself high. " I never asked for this!" "Ah, but dear heart, you are called to it, and unless I stand corrected, I do believe you did ask, therefore, you needn't complain. Your pride causes you to fall, the pit of complaining, the trap of self-pity, so easily entangle you. But take heart! Lift up your weary self. You are called to a greater hope, an eternal hope. Perseverance awaits you. Take hold of it, you will be delivered in time. "

I sit here in this corner, with a mind flooded with thoughts, thoughts that don't fully connect. yesterday, I was faced with another challenge, another reality to "grieve". This morning I asked the question "What does godly grieving look like?" The answered I received was not a step-by-step process. Acceptance, knowing that its not right, but it is. Crying out to God. Hoping in heaven. What a hope. I heard the testimony of an inspiring couple last night, from their mouths. I have never cried in a class before, like that. The suffering they endured, and the glory they gave to God. They gave a detail of their emotions.Questioning God, anger, grief, physical pain, loneliness..however they trusted. God's providence, they continued to mention over and over again. His sovereignty, His will, His wanting us to be more like Him. The process He wants us to undergo, to become like Him. I will have to look through my notes,I took so many. I have been so emotional lately. My flesh fights, but I find myself in this new reality, the reality of my desperate need for God. The want to become like Him fights against the want to give in.

Joy. I want that to be my theme. I have written much about it before, but I mean every piece. A joy only found in Christ.

"My failing heart, my failing flesh,
I cry out " I did not ask for this! Never!"
I wanted to be more like you,
The picture in my head was nothing such as this,
It was suppose to be joyful, pleasurable, simple, and cookie-cutter,
but my dreams have shattered,
I endure suffering, and sorrow fill my days,
I am an enemy of my own self,
This road, does it end?
This process, does it stop?
I hold onto, the speck of hope, the tiny glimpse,
praying that my heart would change,
to become like yours,
Is that what this is?"

Scattered thoughts, mixed with wanderings of the heart and questons in my head

2010-03-25T00:40:00.000-05:00

Where is the line drawn between honesty and vulnerability?
I Open my heart, take a stab,
learn to love, come and go as you please? Since when did this become fair,
Harden my heart, bitterness and anger,
but wait, love and forgiveness, run to the One who loves at all times,
Be my refuge, I choose to reach out,
Rid the calloused heart of stone, make it a heart of flesh again,
Learn to love, even though transparency pains,
Deep wounds, mistakes made, yet surrender comes, each care cast,
tears fall, but each is counted, and stored.
Joy in the morning, redemption comes, mercies made new,
Self-control to stop dwelling on the past,
Sinners saved by grace,
We are called to love one another,
people will fail, but there is one who never does,
No Ivory tower exists, no corner alone,
Try again, many chances your given,
Failures come in this race,
But love is demanded, no small thing to be disposed of,
Just reach out, to the Author of it all,
Then I'll try again to reach out to you.

To stop the flow of the paper I should be writing..

2010-03-23T23:20:00.000-05:00

I can't seem to stay focused on this paper anymore, its late, and I should be asleep. Writing a paper on something you don't completely agree with can be difficult..but I get on these random "kicks" and its not too bad. My head is full, along with my heart today. Questions keep getting raised in my mind, and I should probably be writing them all down. I found out some very disappointing news yesterday regarding my student teaching. The organization I teach at lost their funding and tomorrow night is the last class. I was really enjoying it, and now, its all coming to an end, halfway through the semester. I am still in shock and attempting to process it.

Another thing, on this paper, on suffering, I am being reminding of how insignificant my trials can seem in comparison to what Christ went through. Here's a little section of my paper: "Emotional suffering can at times feel even more overwhelming than physical suffering. Emotional suffering can be tremendously great for some. To know that in the Garden, he prayed so intensely for the cup to pass from Him, that He sweat drops of blood onto the ground. Yancey states it this way “At one point he fell facedown on the ground and prayed for some way, any way, out. His sweat fell to the ground in large drops, like blood” (Yancey 130). How great His mental and emotional suffering must have been! Even though Jesus prayed with great intensity, God still chose to have His son crucified on a cross. We can look at this example amidst our own emotional pain, and know that Jesus was at that point before us. When bringing things to a more personal level, I realize that I do not have to face the emotional stress of knowing that I will be crucified for all mankind, even though I know that I am the only person undeserving of such a suffering and punishment.
Emotional suffering can be great, but there is also physical suffering in this world. Yancey transitions from the emotional suffering of Christ in the garden to the physical suffering on the cross. Christ asking His Father why He had been forsaken, and to read the scripture and know the torture He endured should be more than sufficient to bring a man to his knees. "

How true, and how quick I am to forget. However, I am comforted in knowing that God does care about my trifle situations.

This morning I had breakfast with a professor, who gave me more wise advice on life. Mainly relationships. I really don't know how to handle things at times. I run away, I still get overwhelmed when I feel confused or let down. I sit here in this coffee shop, I watched as my friend gathered from afar, and my loneliness once again caught up to me. I hide away so easily. I fear rejection still. Where is the line between vulnerability and trust drawn? I am still trying to figure that one out. .However, I will choose, rather than wallow in my own self-pity and loneliness, to cast my cares upon the Lord and seek refuge in the one who loves unconditionally, no matter how much I run.

Good day though. Breakfast with my favorite professor, met with my amazing mentor, and walked to the lake and watched the sunset with a friend. Its amazing what happens when you let yourself love and open up to others..

O love, that will not let me go..

Spring break.

2010-03-21T20:06:00.000-05:00

Only a few hours from being asleep to begin new week of classes. I am currently putting off a paper by blogging, and reading up on the new health care reform that seems to be taking place. Spring break, you are now but a memory. It slipped through my hands, very quickly. Time is fleeting these days. Here is a brief re-cap of spring break, in so many words.

-Working, doubling my hours, with 3 jobs. Yes. I really enjoyed working, and wish I did that without the school every week.
-Going to Christi's house and being her family in the Michigan countryside for a weekend, and being introduced to gluten-free strawberry shortcake and soy free hazelnut almond milk.
-Printing out tangible pictures from walgreens.
-Being told that some of that almond milk is headed my way tonight :)
-I enjoyed being a receptionist for two weeks.
-My four year-olds are hilarious. I love their creativity, curiosity and child-like innocence.
-one of my kids, Oscar, singing a different song randomly, almost everyday like no one is watching, not a care in the world, ignoring the comments of others, and frankly, its inspiring.
-Another kid, Danielle, and her grasping of who Christ is, expressed by her imagination and stories she comes up with.
-Watching 3 year-old Ian. Its been over one year now. How cool is that? He's grown so much, and I was very proud of him at the park the other day, yea I can brag.
-Getting into running again, even though its hurts my kneed and pretty much every joint in the lower half of my body. I am back to two miles already.yeaaa..
-The warm sunny weather. 60s and 70s mostly. rock on Chicago.
-Roommate date night. Faith and I saw a movie together, a chick-flick, and bought snacks from walgreens. I haven't seen a movie in a theater since Harry Potter, and Faith and I never get to hangout like that. Best night.
-Hair-dying party with Faith and Dawn. We all dyed our hair for fun. And stayed up late.
-Mega-feast.
-Getting to watch a movie and TV. whoa. and I did it alone.
-Time alone, reflecting, learning about myself and learning what and how to change.
-A friend's visit in town.
-Re-connecting with an old friend
-movie night at the "dog place", sparkling pomegranate juice and gluten free brownies with chocolate chips included. And extra-entertainment provided by John and Dawn.
-did I mention time alone?
-watching the sunset tonight.
-Laughing at my dyslexia, right now.

The only really negative thing was my student teaching DVD messing up. I am not sure what I am going to do about that..But if that's the only negative thing, I have it pretty good.

I wish briefly share my devotional experience on here. I have been needing to work on taming my tongue. My sarcasm is too much, my speech is careless, I am not encouraging enough if at all, I am too "flattering" sometimes, I use poor choices in my words, my tone can be to negative, I don't think before the words come out, I gossip and slander, My conversations are not always wise and I really need to just tame this tongue of mine. Its getting outta control.

One verse in particular that stuck out to me was Proverbs 10: 32, " The lips of the righteous KNOW what is acceptable, but the mouth of the wicked what is perverse."
James 3:9-10 stuck out to me also, " ..With it, we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people made in the likeness of God.From the same mouth come blessing and cursing, my brothers this should not be"

Clearly, if I am righteous, I should know what to say according to this verse. So I know better, no excuse. I have been praying and studying and practicing my speech. With my peers now back at school, the real test begins. Will I be able to hold my tongue and know when to not say something? The discipline of silence? Not participating in gossip as well as stopping it? Word choice? Will I offend someone? Can my sarcasm stop? Will my tone be positive? Can I encourage my friends? Can I speak the truth in love? Can I stop cursing man made in God's image? Can I stop complaining?

Words are powerful. The book of James says the tongue is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. Yikes. This will not be easy, but necessary. Very. If I want to be worthy of God' calling on my life as believer, my words reflect my character and what is in my heart. Its time to change some things.

Tomorrow, I wish would hold off a little longer, I am not ready for it in many ways, but I can't stop it from coming. Its been a good two weeks. Only 10 more to go...

Meh, there I go complaining again. Must. stop.

Must..write..my mind needs to relieve itself..(what a classy title.)

2010-03-09T01:15:00.000-06:00

Its late. My roommate is still out. We've been apart for 4 days. I am waiting up like an over-protective parent, but its more like "Gah! I haven't seen you in four days, I need to talk to you!" As if much has changed, but Faith and I, we're tight. This is how we are. We can't handle separation easily, and its getting worse. I am pretty stoke about moving into an apartment with her and my awesome friend Dawn next year. As Dawn would put it "Its going to be the bomb-diggity!"

Well, today my train decided to arrive an hour late in Lansing, therefore putting me an hour late into Chicago, therefore making me rush to work and to teach. I came home, heated up some rice noodle soup, and caught up on the office. Ok, fun is over, I really have responsibility. Seriously, I need to buckle down. This week I work 3 jobs, 21 hours, next week, four around 32. Thankfully one is on campus. I am so grateful to be able to make more money than anticipated. God does provide. I have laundry, emails to reply to, errands to run, the list goes on, topped off with cooking and homework. Being an adult has its downs..however I would not trade it for a thing. This weekend really made me think. I loved being around a big family. I go back to the previous post. Big, godly families rock. (I can tell I am past my bedtime, due to the jargon I am using in this post Rock? really? Can I not come up with more sophisticated, or better yet, "adult" adjectives?) My views on marriage have also slowly been altered within the past few months and this weekend helped a lot as well. I like the new views, maybe I'll share my opinions at a later time, perhaps to conclude everything I learn over spring break. I am at one of those points in my life where yet again, half of what I thought I was right about, I am again proved wrong.

Well, I should stop writing now. Before something else slips onto this post..

Greetings from M!ch!gan!

2010-03-06T11:24:00.000-06:00

I love this. I could get used to this. A quiet coffee shop in the country.

I haven't accomplished all the homework I came with, but thats ok. I've been blogging, and spent 30 minutes just working on the computer itself. Its so nice to be out of the city. I conclude from what I've seen, that Michigan is a pretty state, with really pretty trees. Im glad because Ill be living here for 2 months.

This morning during my quiet time, the Psalm I read talked about taming the tongue. I have decided to study my tongue over break and change some habits. I wrote down some goals for break that I hope to accomplish, besides homework and internship things, its all character building. I need to change in so many ways as far as my character is concerned. I've allowed myself to become a manipulative, emotional wreck. One year ago I was a stoic, unemotional, stone heart who refused to let anyone in. What a contrast. I am glad to be away from mass amounts of people for two weeks, enjoying Chicago and working without classes or again, mass amounts of people at school. I need to heal. Two weeks is a good amount of time. I hope to discover some guidance, and direction concerning my life. I want to be used by the Lord and willing to surrender my wants.

For lunch, Christi is taking me to get gluten free pizza. I am so excited. I never eat pizza anymore. I am already liking her family alot. Seriously, they all are so welcoming, and open. I have not experienced this in such a long time. Where even the children are polite and loving towards one another and outsiders. What an example. Ah, this is going to be a great weekend. Monday morning sadly, will arrive before it is wanted. But I shall enjoy this while I can :)

I Just showed up, for my own life. Or maybe just returned to it..

2010-02-24T23:23:00.000-06:00

Wow. The roller coaster of this semester is twisting and turning way too quickly, and way too much. Its slowing down. I still have tons on my plate, but let me just describe to you, how God is.

Humility is a bold thing to pray for. I got it. In a hard way. I learned a tough lesson this week. I cried. Multiple times. For multiple reasons. One main lesson though: I was dead wrong. I learned to give something over to the Lord, in which I did, which was scary and bold, and the answer I received was the fear I dreaded. However, God is gracious. He showed me mercy and kindness undeserved once again.

Today, I cried tears of relief and joy. I finally saw beauty again. Beauty within pain, joy in pain, and most importantly God. I love how He loves me. I love how He created me. I am glad He made me to enjoy aesthetically pleasing things. I used to love sunrises and sunsets and simple things like green grass. I have allowed myself to become distracted and forgotten these simple yet amazing gifts. Every new day given, oh such a blessing. I cried tears of joy this morning, after literally living out Psalm 30: 5 "Weeping my tarry for the night but joy comes in the morning" Literally, its did. The pain is gone, the confusion fading away, God has taught me much in a period of one week. Looking back, more like a month, I just didn't see it.

I feel like a new person. For real. God has renewed that steadfast spirit within me that is mentioned in Psalm 51:10. At the church I've been attended recently, Psalm 23 was preached in such as new way this past way. The Lord is my Shepard, who knows my needs before I do. He has provided all I need thus far, why be in want?

Sunsets, sonnets, brave &loving friends(who tell you how it is), godly wisdom, a new start, a good new friend, restoration, the list continues.

I really want to play the piano again, and write a song.

I love my student teaching.

I have a wonderful friend,Christi, who has helped me through a difficult issue, and was brave to tell me the truth, even though it hurt. I love this girl and I am beyond grateful for her.

I got to hug the kids at work again today.

I love being a emotional, melancholy, introvert and want to fully embrace who God made me.

I miss being artsy, poetic, and musical. I love that God put these desires in my heart and allows me to use them.

God's love is constant, and He reveals it to me in so many new ways, even in my mistakes.

Spring break is almost here. I look forward to rest and more growth.

I deleted my facebook, rather impulsively but it was needed and I love my new computer screen background, fresh dew on morning grass.

That is all.

How is it already February 9th? Someone please tell me...how..

2010-02-09T22:48:00.000-06:00

Time is fleeting. Slipping through my fingertips. Quickly. I am unwinding, finding time to write in here, and then in my journal. (The good juicy stuff I know you want to read..er, maybe... ha.)

I am praying for a snow day tomorrow. I know, I should be used to snow, but its supposed to get pretty intense. I could use another free day. I have so much work. I've been at it for a few hours, and I am already done in. My workload is scary. Looking at my planner freaks me out. But yet, I remain calm. Last week during founders week I was challenged to rise early in the morning and spend time with the Lord. Something I should have been doing. So, even if I am dragging, I still go at it. I love it. Currently there are many distractions in my life, some even beyond the typical stresses of school and work. Even some "good" distractions. I have also visited a new church, which I really like. But I need to keep seeking the Lord through this, even if I don't like this process, I need to be wise. No impulsive actions here. Its so different searching for a church based on opportunities to serve rather than self-serve. A new perspective. Of course, doctrine is of most high importance, but rather than me looking for what I want(music, socially ect.), this time I am looking to serve the body. *Thank you again Professor, for such wise advice.* I miss being apart of the church. And by not being, I am sinning. Selfishly.

Well a brief summary of what I am learning, and what's going on inside my head and heart..bullet point style..( and for times sake I apologize for the lack of scripture I should insert here)
-To be a better listener still. Stop talking about myself, and listen. Don't jump to give advice, listen. Don't insert your own story/opinion, listen. Be the ear, be the shoulder, be the friend.
-Patience. I work with children. I am in a 3 major waiting process that could potentially change my life, (well two could). Waiting is so hard. It really is. I haven't had to wait on "big things" in such a long time. But I am being called to do so. The temptation to act on my own will and impulses are there, but daily I pray for patience, wisdom and discernment.
-Being Intentional. Breakfast dates,Tuesday meals, Wed. lunches and Friday lunches/evenings are dedicated to nothing but people. Its the easiest way for me to meet up with people, I mean we all gotta eat! I may have to schedule it in, but its in. Asking someone to breakfast, sitting with my friends with my home-cooked meals when I don't have to be in the SDR, it takes effort, but its so worth it. I love people, I love friends, and I want more of it.
-Character building. Picking an attribute of Christ to focus on, and watching myself throughout the day.
-Reflecting. Learning to feel. To express my emotions in a healthy way. Knowing oneself is the first way to understanding others. Reflecting on how I feel is so healthy and helpful.
-Relationships. To quote my wise friend "Relationships go to heaven, homework doesn't"-Julie Kresge (Thanks Julie!) I am free from the bonds of grade perfection. WHO cares. I am not saying don't try, but don't strive. If getting an A is more important that a friend, I must say your priorities aren't in line. I know we should do our best, but I think that your best consists of an un-stressful strive. Don't beat yourself up if you didn't get that A. If you learn, thats what counts. Back to relationships, Making time for people, thats what matters.
-Learning to be a godly woman through the help of some wonderful guys. I have never really had close, godly guy friends that have really cared. There are two in particular God has placed in my life who have taught me so much. I wont' give names or details as not to embarrass them, but they are wonderful. Truly brothers in Christ. They have told me hard truths about letting guys lead, letting them serve, letting them fulfill their calling to be men, by serving and protecting the women in their lives. Who says those things?! They encourage me to let down my pride and be served by them. Letting men do things for me that I feel I am capable of myself, is humbling and trying. Letting them lead isn't an easy thing. They are so patient with me and continue to pour biblical truth into my life and share the words my ears do not wish to hear. Even when I argue, and fight it, they still wait and correct me out of love. I am learning to "be a woman" if you will and let them be men. This is so new to me, but I am learning a lot from this.
-Be an example. Watch my speech. How do I say things? What do I say? Is it wise? Will it encourage and build up others? How are my actions? Ah..so much

Well my messy clutter of a bed is calling to me. My room is a chaotic mess at the moment, but I am excited for the next day, whatever it holds.

"The joy of the Lord's salvation is my strength"

Selfish girl.

2010-01-24T00:31:00.000-06:00

Haiti.

Why?

I am so selfish sometimes. Sometimes is likely an understatement. I have heard so many heartbreaking prayer requests this week. Losing your mom to cancer, your dad a former minister involved in affair trying to divorce your mom, Haiti, not having source of income..and sometimes all I can think about is time management,what's for dinner, and ponder about a stupid boy..

I don't deserve anything I have. I take too much for granted. Something will come up, my health issues will flare up, I'll have a crazy homework assignment, whatever. Then I'll be begging God for His help once again. There is much truth to the line "I need Thee every hour". "Every" meaning times of joy and sorrow. All the time. I complain way too much. I whine, I think about myself more often than I should. I need to invite my neighbor over for tea, ask my students about THEIR lives, look for that lonely soul and listen, pray for an opportunity to give and serve. I know what I should do, why can't I release my sin nature and just be obedient?

You say let go, I say hold on, You say now, I say wait, you say try, I say give up, You say now, I say never, You say yes, I say no..

I am missing out on what I am called to do.

Cloud 9. or maybe its a dream. Perhaps this could be real..

2010-01-16T19:25:00.000-06:00

This week. Will be forever remembered. I have no words that can fully express my joy and gratitude to the Lord and his faithful servants. All in one week, all the details of my life worked out. I now have a second job which I applied for on monday,PCM**, a test taken, groceries bought, a third side-job, money from a family member, and a scholarship. Its seriously almost too much. I really can't express myself. All of the anxiety that came with last semester, every worry and fear taken away withing seven days. Unreal. Just unreal. God is providing everything. All my prayers, not wasted nor my tears and pain that was felt. Waiting on the Lord is never an easy assignment, but God is faithful. Beyond our imagination..

Suffering never seemed an easy road,
A path I wouldn't choose to follow,
but you called me down,
and there were no means of escape.
Frantically I searched for a way out,
getting lost along the way,
facing all fear, pain,rejection, and defeat,

I found myself asking the familiar question of why, and you answered,

No prayer in vain, not a single tear wasted, My mercies never cease, My faithfulness never ends, My love never fails, and all you need I still continue to provide

Being tested through the fire,
the feeling of being refined,
waiting is never an easy tasks,
emotions running high that can overtake you,
don't loose sight,
remember the joy that comes with the morning,
remember the words that were given to you..

No prayer in vain, not a single tear wasted, My mercies never cease, My faithfulness never ends, My love never fails, and all you need I still continue to provide

Finding hope among the situations most hopeless, Faith in the driest valley, Joy within the most bereaving sorrows..

No prayer in vain, not a single tear wasted, His mercies never ceased,His faithfulness never ended,His love never failed, and all I needed He still continues to provide..

Joy really does come with the morning..

An evening with Sara Groves.

2010-01-06T23:49:00.002-06:00

I am about to say my prayers, and rest my head while hoping it clears up during the night. I am hoping that rest is in my body's agenda this evening.

I have had this weird cold all week, and last night it kept me up. I should be asleep, but I've been listening to Sara Groves for the past two hours and sucking on a another cough drop I wish I could meet her. Her lyrics make me think. They inspire me. I wish I could write like her. I appreciate the honesty she expresses in her songs. I know have potential to write honestly, but will I let myself? Am I restraining myself? In my head, I come up with any and every adjective to express my feelings, but to put my feelings onto paper is like making it official. I feel safe inside my head. Putting it down, even in my own private journal means I am admitting it to myself. As if I didn't already know. As is if keeping it inside my head protects me from myself, or anyone else. Honesty requires vulnerability which potentially leads to pain. Why should I fear myself? Am I afraid regrets and self-hatred that could result from me penning my thoughts? Ultimately, why should I fear God? Is that really what this could be? Perhaps a combination of both. Today my scripture reading (which I admit I have neglected the past few days as I continue in Genesis fell in Chapter 3 verses 8-13. It read about Adam and Eve's feelings right after their first sin. They knew God was in the garden, yet they still hid. They still tried to lie and blame one another, rather than admit their mistakes and be just honest with God. I find myself in this position many times. Why can't I just tell the simple truth? Is it really that simple? It should be. I complicate things, over analyze and make it worse than it really was.

Truth. Why do I wrestle with you? Can we not find middle ground on which to meet? Spare me the pain, and I'll let you out. Let me hold on to the parts which I know could devastate things, and you just give the bare minimal..we can make a compromise, it will all work out in the end right? Can't we both win that way? Yet pure truth, I know, I know, I can't keep part of you hidden. You say all or nothing. For you, there is no compromise. You require me to tell all. Why do you ask so much of me? Vulnerability takes so much effort, I am not sure I can do this. I know,I know, you desire me to tell all my secrets, all the hidden sin that lies within my heart. Do you not understand the pain which that will cause me? There is no easy road, no middle ground, no avoiding the scarring pain which lies ahead. You say It doesn't look pleasant, but in the end, dear truth, your telling me that there is redemption. I only did this to myself you say, but once I let go of you, once I set you free, it will sting and it will hurt for a while, but I will be healed in the end? I will be forgiven, and initial suffering will be all worth the joy and freedom to be experienced in the end? If there is truth to what you tell me, then maybe I can give this a try. I know, I know, its a call and a command,I must open up my heart and let the truth come out..

Happy Reflection day! or wait, Happy New Years Eve?

2010-01-01T22:55:00.000-06:00

**This post was intended to be published on the 31, but got delayed in the middle of writing it..**

My title is deceptive. You thought I didn't know what day it was..

Ha. Gotcha.

Today closes off 2009. I love this day. It closes one year and starts another. One chapter finished, another begins. I love new beginnings and fresh starts. Well, that's how I look at it. This is one of my favorite days of the year. I enjoy sitting back and reflecting on the past year. The changes, good and bad, and most of all the lessons I have learned and looking at how far I've come. I also like to look into the future and attempt to see what the next year might hold for me. I mean, one can never be too sure and I can't predict the future, but I want to have hope in the new year. I sort of follow the "new years" resolutions, but not the typical make a list of "to-do". It's more looking at what happened in the present year and using that to help guide my future. I learn from experience therefore I resolve to help course my future off of those experiences. So here it is, the 2009 reflection post. Might as well make my time useful as I wait for my soup to finish cooking.

Let's start with January..
Uh, the big move. Moody and Chicago. What a way to kick off a new year. Moving states, schools, majors, and um, climate. No job, no friends. Never even been to Moody or Chicago. That naturally changed my life. I have never made a permanent move to another state, especially not the North Midwest amidst one of the biggest cities in the United States. I remember journaling a lot about loneliness. I also went in with a pre-conceived notion of how things would run for me at moody. I'd find a job withing a few weeks, ace all my classes.. um, yeah no. I hated the cold, classes were hard, and I felt completely out of place.

February-More cold. More snow. Learning founders week. Catering job and babysitting job both occurred this month, and both came from nowhere. God's provided unexpectedly. Joined my floor's ministry team. Met some wonderful people and relationship building began. Ran my 1st 5k! Got re-hired with student life for the summer. Also, the diagnosis of the food allergies began. I went in for my Asthma and was tested positive for lactose intolerance. Never in a million years did I imagine that..little did I know there was more.

March-Spring break, home!super busy break, catching up with old friends. Go back to school, and go on a wonderful retreat that helped build even stronger relationships

April-Really loving Chicago! Spring begins to creep in and I saw the city without snow for the first time. Began taking trips to Lake Michigan and running outside more often. Return to the doctor, no soy, gluten and begin meds for acid reflux.

May-Finding it hard to part from Chicago! I made it through my 1st semester! I went home for one week before heading to Birmingham. My sweet friend Bridget got married and I was able to attend the wedding! I got asked out 2 times in one week, and learned to handle both well, considering I am bad at that. One was a good experience, the other not. I learned what a gentlemen looks like. Headed out to Student Life.

June-learning my new job was difficult. I also decided the gluten was too hard on the road, so i went back making me sick, and with terrible mood swings. bad idea. Traveled to Missouri, North Carolina,South Padre Texas. Still trying to fit in with the team.

July-Texas to Ohio, to Virginia, to Missouri, to Colorado. Learned a very hard lesson in relationships. Once again, loved colorado. made some good friends on the team. Learned alot about Compassion International and Faith N. changed my life. She taught me how to love and I became more passionate about Compassion after seeing her life. Turned 21 in the beautiful mountains! Experienced true dislike and exclusion for the first time in my Christian life. Very hard.

August-still in Colorado, finally return home for a week and a half. Crack down on my Independent study class while trying ot visit family and friends. Take my sister to Houston and fly back to Chicago the next day. Depression sinks in. Classes start.

September-start nannying again, search for a second job. Student teaching for PCM begins. Fighting hard despression. Many a nights crying in my room. Classes pick up. Went off gluten again, and health improves significantly. Depression starts to fade, and with the help of wonderful friends and the Lord's guidance I make it through. Learned to forgive those who caused pain this summer. Joined Gospel choir.

October-finally start really being around people again. had to attend a funeral for a young girl of 3. Failed my first college exam. humbled. forced myself to "get help" from the Prof. Making new friends. Missions conference. Internship search process begins. First Moody missions conference. Feeling more pressed to reach the lost. Retreat on Halloween, some of the most fun I had in while, was introduced to filafel :)

November-Classes are heavy, PCM struggles. Friendships are strengthening. I begin making friends with my professors (nerd) and learning alot from them. My internship choice number one falls apart, because of health I must stay in the states. My choices are in Dearborn and Detroit MI. No gluten is getting easier. Ultrasound finds nothing, so next step is colonoscopy. Suprise ticket home for thanksgiving!

December-wrap up semester. 3 job interviews, nothing. Mom loses job. Trying to get internship paperwork started. move rooms, 5 finals, and a barely paid first school payment. Off-meal plan. However, God begins to work in my heart through all these things. Home for 3 weeks

To sum it up, my year has been good. Definitely had its set of challenges. I have learned alot about my health, and through it have been trusting the Lord, and ministering to others with it. I am learning grace and humility though this as well. Fighting a huge round of depression. Learned to share my testimony openly with others. Burdened for the lost, praying for opportunities. Relationships, I have learned so much. Had my heart broken as I broke someone else. maybe more than one..learning to be content in singleness and also how to let others come in. Can patience and humility ever be fully achieved? I don't think so. God continues to teach me those things in different ways. Learning to love those who hate you is really hard! Especially if they claim to be believers. The struggles this year have all been worth it. 2009 has been a great year. One more year closer to the Lord, for who is to say how many more we have left? Learning to live in love, and to live a life in God. Letting go of my fear of failure and learning from my mistakes.

I fully embrace 2010, its highs and challenges. I am learning to quietly sit at the feet of Jesus daily, preparing for each new day that comes. Memorizing the word and studying it. I don't know what each day holds, but I am excited. I am ready to learn. Each new lesson, Each new trial, Each new pain, Each new joy, each new celebration, I am ready. I have lots of hopes, dreams and expectations, but I know His ways are still higher, and many may the plans be in my heart but Its only the Lord's who prevails. I am a planner, but I can only plan so much. I am grateful to have lived another year, and Lord willing will see through another. 2010, welcome.

Where am I?

2009-12-29T16:54:00.000-06:00

So I am sitting here, drinking Orange Zinger tea after testing out my new "Hot Pot", "hot water heater" or as I call it "Chinek" that I bought with the Sears gift card I received last Christmas. I know, I'm a little behind.

I am watching the snow fall from my window, again. Two times within a week, and we're talking inches! Its a winter wonderland out there. about 20 years of living in Texas, and all those childhood years praying for a white Christmas, nothing. The past winters have been warm. Last year I remember when I flew up to Chicago, I left Texas at 6 AM at 65 degrees. I guess I brought the weather with me, at least that's what everyone here is telling me. My mom likes the snow, Dad hates it. Rather, he fears it. A lot of people here do, since no one ever believes its really going to snow. I wouldn't have believed it, but it happened. I did not expect to ever have a white Christmas in Texas. My first white Christmas, here in my home state. I love it. I think its beautiful.

I am about to attempt to take the dog on his daily walk, we'll see if he lasts. He's not a fan of the white stuff. I want to head up a coffee shop and just sit and do my independent studies class, but I know many others have the same idea, and plus, dad won't let me drive. I think I'll just continue working from my bed, and break with another episode of House that I've received for Christmas.

Well, a whole post dedicated to snow. Kinda boring. Sorry.

The end is near..oh wait..its here!

2009-12-22T15:38:00.000-06:00

Home. Texas. 3 weeks.

This will be the longest time I have been home in a year. I love spending time here. Rest,catch up with family and friends, as well as still accomplishing the tasks of a new "to-do" list everyday. I still have to finish my independent studies class, work on internship, and i have a "mini-job" with my dad, which is great. There are little things here and there, but overall, I am going to enjoy this break.

Finals week was absolutely insane. It consisted of five finals, a room to pack up and move, and figuring out my flight less than twelve hours before it took off. Flying standby is great, because its free, but it can have its drawbacks. My flying experience was pretty fun this time though. I feel as if I have earned the title of "expert" when it comes to flying. Plane hopping and airport navigating are two skills I have achieved. After 5 hours of sleep, I arose and left at 6 AM last Thursday morning, with it being in the teens and still dark outside and drug my two suitcases to the brown line, and then switched to the orange line to take me to Midway. I arrived at the airport, got checked in, went through security and passed a few other Moodies on the way. After making it to my gate, I took out my apple and had breakfast and then fell asleep. I woke up to find a puddle of drool (slightly embarrassing but too tired to care)on my coat which I slept on, and to my surprise was in boarding group A!! That never happens to me, I am always C. Well, it truly is a small world after all, because it turns out Meredith was my flight attendant! Crazy right? so we got to talk to some and she told me that my connecting flight to Dallas would be missing a passenger. So thankfully, I was able to catch that flight, as the last person to board the plane. Good travels this time around.

My academics were horrible this semester, but I am just glad its over! Only 3 more semesters to go, and this one was rough. Next semester holds more promise for me. I am trying to savor Christmas and wrap my head around the fact that its going to be here in fours days. Unreal. Thanksgiving just happened did it not? I am listening to Christmas songs right now, and I wish they could be all year songs! I like the jazzy ones a lot. Bing Crosby has some great recordings. However, I love the Mormon tabernacle choir along with Percy Faith's orchestra. Beautiful. Side note: according to a Professor of mine, Joy to the world is a second coming song, not a Christmas song. I mean, he's right, if you listen to the words. Thanks Professor. However, I am still going to sing it at Christmas time, but it would be cool if we sang it all year. It is one of my favorites, and I have always loved the lyrics.

I am still praying for a second job. This morning after praying, I felt more peace about things. God has been so good to me and my family. I am excited to see what happens next.

Joy to the World , the Lord is come!
Let earth receive her King;
Let every heart prepare Him room,
And Heaven and nature sing,
And Heaven and nature sing,
And Heaven, and Heaven, and nature sing.

Joy to the World, the Savior reigns!
Let men their songs employ;
While fields and floods, rocks, hills and plains
Repeat the sounding joy,
Repeat the sounding joy,
Repeat, repeat, the sounding joy.

No more let sins and sorrows grow,
Nor thorns infest the ground;
He comes to make His blessings flow
Far as the curse is found,
Far as the curse is found,
Far as, far as, the curse is found.

He rules the world with truth and grace,
And makes the nations prove
The glories of His righteousness,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders, wonders, of His love.

The homestretch..Its all going to be ok.

2009-12-12T23:59:00.000-06:00

Finals week. Emotions run high. Lots going on this week.

I didn't get job #1..so 2 more to go? I worry. I fret. I freak out. However, God is still God. He is in control. He is sovereign. He knows what He is doing. He has a plan, purpose. Who knows why He has hasn't immediately provided for me, however He still knows my needs. He cares. I just need to trust. Let go. Hold things loosely. Trust. Have faith.

Sometimes, I find myself being the "Martha", "do it all" woman. Loneliness creeps in. I "do things" but when it comes down to it, I easily find myself alone, after the day is done. I sat in the SDR today, hearing conversations about what people do together for fun. The texts that I don't get, the "I haven't seen you in forever" remarks. Maybe I do to much? Where is the balance? I mean, work and studying is a must, but other things that I choose, choir, ministry team, church, my major, these things can prevent a social life for one. I sigh, but I know its all ok. Maybe I should make relationships a priority again?

My emotions are whack this week. Again I say, thats ok. I have 5 finals, I can make it. I really can.

I'm glad God is so good to me. Even when I fail, He still holds on to me.

I love that rock. I just gotta have it back.

2009-12-04T19:33:00.000-06:00

Life has taken me over.

One week left of classes. Finals. Home again.

Brief re-cap of whats up. I got to go home for Thanksgiving. Loved it. I love my family. Now I am back in Chicago trying to wrap up. This week came full force. I have worked my tail off. My room reflects my week, that is to say it is a chaotic mess. I don't like it. Its full of unclean laundry, unmade bed, papers, books, unopened mail and other clutter. I began to clean it up earlier, but I stopped and decided to finally rest. I haven't blogged, or read blogs in about a month. I just need to take a breather. Tonight is a no study night for me:) Today made me slightly irritable, due the fire-alarm going of during my dictation test and having to finish in the SDR. Not cool. The day did improve, and can I just say that I need to be more grateful? Yesterday, literally, God answered a prayer, as I was praying. I am currently in a waiting process for a job. I have one first interview, and a second interview for another job next week. My first payment is scraped by..But God provides.

Well, I am anxious to read about the lives about my friends, get in my cozy PJ's, and make a nice cup of tea, with maybe some popcorn to accompany it.

Monday Musings

2009-11-16T23:06:00.002-06:00

Today. Man. What a day.

I got around 5.5 hours of sleep. I woke up early to spend time in the the word. There is a whole selfish story to tag along with that..My SIM card disappeared. It was there before Philosophy, but not after. So I have no cell phone. That thing won't even tell me what time it is.. I had milk in my soup, took lactaid, and for the first time it caused a rash to break out in the middle of Phonetics. I went to teach, none of my students showed up. Two meetings, and solely fruit for dinner. Awesome. However, I can look back on this day, and be humbled. I remember being so upset about the SIM card, after I made lunch, I sat down and just prayed for grace. I prayed for humility, wisdom, patience, and a positive Christ reflective attitude no matter what the rest of the day held. I also prayed for my SIM card to be found, but that did not happen, however, i managed to remain calm, much more than before lunch. I am actually just tired. Not mad. Its only by God's grace that I can now "shake off" the things that would normally greatly upset me. Its amazing how prayer can really effect my attitude. Pray without ceasing, as Paul writes. It really does work. Things certainly did not go as planned,

Allie, when will you learn? How many times will we have to go through this? This song comes to my head. Its been in my head for a while now. I feel like this is true all around. I have been battling this all semester, this whole "Love your neighbor as yourself" truth. I feel like this goes for my internship, my classmates, my family, anyone. Loving a person is hard. Really hard. Its a choice we have to make. It takes effort, it takes patience, it takes time. I can only pray to show others His love. Some people, its harder than others. There is one person in specific that I know God has placed in my life, that really tries me. Sometimes I cringe, and feel like I don't have the patience to deal. However, that is wrong. I need to be in prayer for this person. Needy Christians can be trying to me. My mentality, is " You should be learn dependency on God, not me". However, some need to grow. I am learning to be that middle of the night phone call, that answer to help, that ear to listen. Its hard. I don't want to always do it. It can be inconvenient to me. However, Christ put up with me. He still does. Daily. He put up with loudmouth Peter, and doubting Thomas. I need to act like that. When will I learn? "Teach me your ways Oh Lord, and lead me to your understanding and righteousness. May I strive to become more like you. Give me love for others, patience, and wisdom."

Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing
It takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change, sometimes we're waiting
We need grace either way

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

There's a lot of pain in reaching out and trying
It's a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces baby
Only one makes you free

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

If we go looking for offense
We're going to find it
If we go looking for real love
We're going to find it

Loving a Person
Sara Groves

Ready, Break!

2009-11-14T16:45:00.000-06:00

Do you ever have those days that you feel so driven? I love days like that. I'm having one today.

I have been on a schedule all morning, and its working out nicely. I'm sitting in this really pretty coffee shop in the Ukrainian Village that my friend Lisa took me to. I have finished two papers, and a "virtual field trip" since I've been here, while drinking two cups of decaf coffee with added cinnamon. Such goodness. I love this feeling of accomplishment accompanied by a simple pleasure. (In this case, my decaf coffee)

I am now trying to figure out how to write my philosophy paper. I looked at the instructions, and my brain somewhat froze up. So I'm taking a break. That class just scares me. It find it very intimidating.

I need to work on Internship things. I have one week from today to turn in my top three choices to the missions department. yikes.

Last night, I went to Jewel-Osco and saved 11 dollars on my gluten free, soy free, dairy free groceries. They are getting more stuff, and more deals. My heart was so happy last night. I feel like its a game when I go into the grocery store. How much gluten free food can I find? Lets compare the cost! I always stand in awe for a moment when I find something "normal". People probably think "what is that girl's problem? why is she staring at the shelf like that?" For example, I found gluten free waffles. Waffles, the kind where you just pop them in the toaster and within 90 seconds or so they come out nice and crisp, ready to eat. Its like getting to feel normal again. Really, I am getting used to this. I like not being sick, and being able to eat good food. It also allows me to be creative..if some would call it that. Maybe just weird.

The past few days, I have been so grateful, for a lot of things. Looking for joy, and finding it. God has been so good to me, school bill, groceries, health, friends and getting to now go home for thanksgiving. I love my friends and family. I'm just going to say that again. I am richly blessed.

"His mercies are new every morning, Great is YOUR faithfulness." -Lam. 3:22

Processing...

2009-10-29T14:59:00.000-05:00

I should be doing a million other things right now, but Im not. I stopped. I need to process, think and pray. My heart is super heavy, like it gained pounds of burdens in the last few days. This week has been a little hectic. Ok, thats an understatement. God has made me emotional. Yes, I am human, and yes I am a girl. I am wired to feel and process my thoughts.

Loneliness creeps up on me..yes, I am busy, yes I have friends, but sometimes, meetings, work, class, homework, PCM, and administrating things can be hard. very hard. I would be lying if I said it was easy. I'm tired, and drained. You know when you fill like your at your wits end, and you have nothing left to give? I'm so there. I feel like I have no more energy, no more, anything. I cry out to the Lord, begging for energy, strength, and a renewed spirit. Apathy and laziness creep up and slip into the cracks of my hardened heart. They bring along their companions, loneliness, and self-pity, accompanied by anxiety, worry, fear and dismay. Disappointment, failure, and depression sink in..all of these things are sin. I feel entangled and trapped, desperate for a way out.

This morning, I finally accepted and discussed with my advisor about my health. my health may cause my internship to be stateside, in of all places, Detroit Michigan. The ministry is great, but I can name a few reasons why I don't want to go to Detroit. I want to go to Europe. My wings have been clipped..maybe..I am still praying, fighting, waiting for results..

Registration in confusing..
I want to cry.

Scream?

I want Jesus to hold me, and and just take me away from this world, and allow me to never look back.

However, I am called here, now, for a purpose. I struggle through this life, just as anyone else, and its all for a reason.

I have been assigned a lot of responsibility, with that comes sacrifice. Can I handle it all?

Yes, with help.

I am tired, weary, soul..asking for some peace, and wisdom.

Serenity prayer.

"Do not be slothful in Zeal, but fervent in spirit"-Rom. 12:11...this verse has been stuck in my head since last night. I actually got out of bed, turned on the light and had to look it up in my concordance, why its there, Im not sure, but its there..

Tonight is Gospel choir rehearsal. Yes.
Dear Lord,
I am desperate for You. I call on Yahweh. My healer, deliver, shield and defense. My refuge that I can hide in. Please comfort, and guide me.
Love,
Allie

Ever have those days you just feel like that?

2009-10-21T22:12:00.000-05:00

I only had three hours of sleep last night due to my meds having caffeine in them. Didn't know that..Sudafed "non-drowsy" keeps one awake *noted* I survived. Classes resumed today, it is always nice to return to routine. Its funny how my classes, all four subjects seemed to tie into together somehow. Bible teaching, to Philosophy to phonetics and then Christianity and Western Culture..weird. Its like my professors got together and decided to make everything fit together and even make the same jokes..

Well to get down to it, do you ever have those days you just feel guilty? Like the sins have been building up and just hanging over you? All day? I prayed briefly this morning that I would remain awake and alert today and all day, especially after chapel, I just felt terrible. Like I was guilty of all the world's crimes. I felt no peace, and my heart froze over. It was like I was unable to love, and move on past sin. I hate days I feel like that. In my head and my heart I know the truth. The truth that my sins are forgiven, because of a Savior's death on a cross, and I made a new creation in Him. My guilt and shame are removed and I now have freedom in Christ. Thankfully, these feelings subsided at the beginning of philosophy class as I was writing a prayer out, and I had a friend come up and talk to me..its funny how that broke me and my friend didn't even know they had served me in that way by making casual conversation. To top it off, that class, (even though I feel completely and utterly lost and seem to have no clue what's going on till' the information sinks in after class) always makes me laugh. My friends and their witty comments and inside jokes, and my cynical, yet hilarious professor, whom we all know is a genius yet he simplifies the subject for people like me; help me to enjoy that class. Then I have Phonetics, which is interesting to nerds like myself, but I will admit challenging, but there is yet another fabulous professor who encourages us with his stories and lessons he's learned and really enjoys engaging in our personal lives. Ah, i feel like I could expand more on my Professors, they really are quite wonderful. I never thought I'd even care to get to know them, but at this school, they really do love us crazy, confused, and yes sometimes dumb college students. I am blessed.

Well, today I feel like I have much to weigh in. This past week my convictions have been eating at me. Its taken so much of me to pray, and read my bible. My prayers this week being with "My hear and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever"(Ps.73:26) It truly is astounding to be near to the Lord. I feel more and more convicted. I am tempted to be lazy, not to love others, not to pray, not to memorize scripture, and more, but God provides a way out.

Side Note: You know what else is great about memorizing scripture? God keeps it in your head, so you'll be thinking on all day. For example: Counting it all joy when I face any trial? really? or am I really taking care of the orphans and widows? how about discriminating against people? Am I becoming a judge with evil thoughts? Oh how the word does pierce the heart, sharper than any two-edged sword. God's word is convicting. Love my enemies? Honor those in authority over me? Love, patience, perseverance, self-control, gentleness, kindness, mercy? Have I become just a clanging noise without love shown to others? Do I really believe that God is my shelter and refuge? So much..

This post is rather long, and full of ramblings. Sometimes my thoughts really have no train..

I should be doing other things..I'm typically not the procrastinator..

2009-10-20T20:13:00.005-05:00

Man, being sick tires you out fast.

I've been cleaning, and organizing and it took everything out of me, so I sat down. and I am not procrastinating by hanging out with my friends Ella, Frank,and Michael. They make some pretty good jazz music..

I can't believe fall break is over..my head screams "NO!!This can't be it!", Alas, it is. School starts again tomorrow. Back to Routine (which in a sense will be nice). School. only 3 1/2 semesters left.. At least this week is short. And Inauguration day for Dr. Nyquist is Friday. I'm working some catering event for the school that night..I honestly have nooo idea what's going on. One thing at a time I guess.

My fall break wasn't all I hoped and dreamed thanks to my uninvited guest Sinus infection and his guest of honor Vertigo.. Last night was still fun though with "Loaded Questions", and I did get to sleep a lot this weekend:) And my friends are just fabulous. Absolutely fabulous.

Oh, and I also started re-memorizing the book of James. I'm halfway through chapter 2! I guess sometimes its takes things like sickness to realize I need to be doing this. The Lord has been good to me, in more than one way this weekend. I should stop procrastinating, and head onto homework and bed. Maybe I'll skip to the latter..Tomorrow is a loaded day..(I really like the word loaded since last night..I think of baked potatoes).

Vertigo.

2009-10-18T21:45:00.000-05:00

Today has been, um rough. I am experiencing my first wind of virtigo. Basically, this morning I tried to get up, and I can't walk straight, and I am very nausated, if you get the idea. I had to miss church, work, and my planned trip to the store. If this is still here tomorrow, I have to go to the doctor. I feel so helpless. Annie made me lunch, and went to the store to gets meds, and faith made me dinner. I can't even prop the pillows up alone. I am very sore from lying flat, and my electrolytes are probably low. ugh, I have cognitive thinking, which is good, but everything else is eh..

I feel so unproductive, and I am in pain. Well, I will survive this. This is a no whining zone.

Moving is never easy.

2009-10-17T19:24:00.000-05:00

Goodbye wordpress, I am sorry your gadgets were too complicated and your templates, frankly not expressive of pretty enough. Also, blogspot has spell check, a major plus for one with slight dyslexia..(hmm..I can't believe I just admitted that) It was not an easy decision to make, but alas, I have chosen to move to blogspot. This new place is simple, and pretty. I like it here. Welcome home. I'll start off with a lighter post..

Sidenote: I will try and figure out if I can transfer all my old posts over here..surely there is a way? But will I be patient enough to figure it out..

"Fall break" aka: four day weekend, is here. Its quiet. I accomplished alot of reading for classes today, as well as caught up on some sleep. I am about to go watch a movie with some fun girlfriends. I haven't had to set foot in the cold today. Its been a fairly good day. I can't complain. Tomorrow is busy, Monday, kinda..Tuesday will consist of coffee, thrift stores, friends, laughter and fun. No school, work, or teaching. Tuesday will be the goal I am focused on getting to..Who would've ever thought a Tuesday could finally be restful for the first time in my life? Until next semester, I love Tuesday.

I am grateful for today, missions conference, and my first season of fall. I can say at least I have been somewhat content today..working on it