Must..write..my mind needs to relieve itself..(what a classy title.)

Its late. My roommate is still out. We've been apart for 4 days. I am waiting up like an over-protective parent, but its more like "Gah! I haven't seen you in four days, I need to talk to you!" As if much has changed, but Faith and I, we're tight. This is how we are. We can't handle separation easily, and its getting worse. I am pretty stoke about moving into an apartment with her and my awesome friend Dawn next year. As Dawn would put it "Its going to be the bomb-diggity!"

Well, today my train decided to arrive an hour late in Lansing, therefore putting me an hour late into Chicago, therefore making me rush to work and to teach. I came home, heated up some rice noodle soup, and caught up on the office. Ok, fun is over, I really have responsibility. Seriously, I need to buckle down. This week I work 3 jobs, 21 hours, next week, four around 32. Thankfully one is on campus. I am so grateful to be able to make more money than anticipated. God does provide. I have laundry, emails to reply to, errands to run, the list goes on, topped off with cooking and homework. Being an adult has its downs..however I would not trade it for a thing. This weekend really made me think. I loved being around a big family. I go back to the previous post. Big, godly families rock. (I can tell I am past my bedtime, due to the jargon I am using in this post Rock? really? Can I not come up with more sophisticated, or better yet, "adult" adjectives?) My views on marriage have also slowly been altered within the past few months and this weekend helped a lot as well. I like the new views, maybe I'll share my opinions at a later time, perhaps to conclude everything I learn over spring break. I am at one of those points in my life where yet again, half of what I thought I was right about, I am again proved wrong.

Well, I should stop writing now. Before something else slips onto this post..

Greetings from M!ch!gan!

I love this. I could get used to this. A quiet coffee shop in the country.

I haven't accomplished all the homework I came with, but thats ok. I've been blogging, and spent 30 minutes just working on the computer itself. Its so nice to be out of the city. I conclude from what I've seen, that Michigan is a pretty state, with really pretty trees. Im glad because Ill be living here for 2 months.

This morning during my quiet time, the Psalm I read talked about taming the tongue. I have decided to study my tongue over break and change some habits. I wrote down some goals for break that I hope to accomplish, besides homework and internship things, its all character building. I need to change in so many ways as far as my character is concerned. I've allowed myself to become a manipulative, emotional wreck. One year ago I was a stoic, unemotional, stone heart who refused to let anyone in. What a contrast. I am glad to be away from mass amounts of people for two weeks, enjoying Chicago and working without classes or again, mass amounts of people at school. I need to heal. Two weeks is a good amount of time. I hope to discover some guidance, and direction concerning my life. I want to be used by the Lord and willing to surrender my wants.

For lunch, Christi is taking me to get gluten free pizza. I am so excited. I never eat pizza anymore. I am already liking her family alot. Seriously, they all are so welcoming, and open. I have not experienced this in such a long time. Where even the children are polite and loving towards one another and outsiders. What an example. Ah, this is going to be a great weekend. Monday morning sadly, will arrive before it is wanted. But I shall enjoy this while I can :)

I Just showed up, for my own life. Or maybe just returned to it..

Wow. The roller coaster of this semester is twisting and turning way too quickly, and way too much. Its slowing down. I still have tons on my plate, but let me just describe to you, how God is.

Humility is a bold thing to pray for. I got it. In a hard way. I learned a tough lesson this week. I cried. Multiple times. For multiple reasons. One main lesson though: I was dead wrong. I learned to give something over to the Lord, in which I did, which was scary and bold, and the answer I received was the fear I dreaded. However, God is gracious. He showed me mercy and kindness undeserved once again.

Today, I cried tears of relief and joy. I finally saw beauty again. Beauty within pain, joy in pain, and most importantly God. I love how He loves me. I love how He created me. I am glad He made me to enjoy aesthetically pleasing things. I used to love sunrises and sunsets and simple things like green grass. I have allowed myself to become distracted and forgotten these simple yet amazing gifts. Every new day given, oh such a blessing. I cried tears of joy this morning, after literally living out Psalm 30: 5 "Weeping my tarry for the night but joy comes in the morning" Literally, its did. The pain is gone, the confusion fading away, God has taught me much in a period of one week. Looking back, more like a month, I just didn't see it.

I feel like a new person. For real. God has renewed that steadfast spirit within me that is mentioned in Psalm 51:10. At the church I've been attended recently, Psalm 23 was preached in such as new way this past way. The Lord is my Shepard, who knows my needs before I do. He has provided all I need thus far, why be in want?

Sunsets, sonnets, brave &loving friends(who tell you how it is), godly wisdom, a new start, a good new friend, restoration, the list continues.

I really want to play the piano again, and write a song.

I love my student teaching.

I have a wonderful friend,Christi, who has helped me through a difficult issue, and was brave to tell me the truth, even though it hurt. I love this girl and I am beyond grateful for her.

I got to hug the kids at work again today.

I love being a emotional, melancholy, introvert and want to fully embrace who God made me.

I miss being artsy, poetic, and musical. I love that God put these desires in my heart and allows me to use them.

God's love is constant, and He reveals it to me in so many new ways, even in my mistakes.

Spring break is almost here. I look forward to rest and more growth.

I deleted my facebook, rather impulsively but it was needed and I love my new computer screen background, fresh dew on morning grass.

That is all.

How is it already February 9th? Someone please tell me...how..

Time is fleeting. Slipping through my fingertips. Quickly. I am unwinding, finding time to write in here, and then in my journal. (The good juicy stuff I know you want to read..er, maybe... ha.)

I am praying for a snow day tomorrow. I know, I should be used to snow, but its supposed to get pretty intense. I could use another free day. I have so much work. I've been at it for a few hours, and I am already done in. My workload is scary. Looking at my planner freaks me out. But yet, I remain calm. Last week during founders week I was challenged to rise early in the morning and spend time with the Lord. Something I should have been doing. So, even if I am dragging, I still go at it. I love it. Currently there are many distractions in my life, some even beyond the typical stresses of school and work. Even some "good" distractions. I have also visited a new church, which I really like. But I need to keep seeking the Lord through this, even if I don't like this process, I need to be wise. No impulsive actions here. Its so different searching for a church based on opportunities to serve rather than self-serve. A new perspective. Of course, doctrine is of most high importance, but rather than me looking for what I want(music, socially ect.), this time I am looking to serve the body. *Thank you again Professor, for such wise advice.* I miss being apart of the church. And by not being, I am sinning. Selfishly.

Well a brief summary of what I am learning, and what's going on inside my head and heart..bullet point style..( and for times sake I apologize for the lack of scripture I should insert here)
-To be a better listener still. Stop talking about myself, and listen. Don't jump to give advice, listen. Don't insert your own story/opinion, listen. Be the ear, be the shoulder, be the friend.
-Patience. I work with children. I am in a 3 major waiting process that could potentially change my life, (well two could). Waiting is so hard. It really is. I haven't had to wait on "big things" in such a long time. But I am being called to do so. The temptation to act on my own will and impulses are there, but daily I pray for patience, wisdom and discernment.
-Being Intentional. Breakfast dates,Tuesday meals, Wed. lunches and Friday lunches/evenings are dedicated to nothing but people. Its the easiest way for me to meet up with people, I mean we all gotta eat! I may have to schedule it in, but its in. Asking someone to breakfast, sitting with my friends with my home-cooked meals when I don't have to be in the SDR, it takes effort, but its so worth it. I love people, I love friends, and I want more of it.
-Character building. Picking an attribute of Christ to focus on, and watching myself throughout the day.
-Reflecting. Learning to feel. To express my emotions in a healthy way. Knowing oneself is the first way to understanding others. Reflecting on how I feel is so healthy and helpful.
-Relationships. To quote my wise friend "Relationships go to heaven, homework doesn't"-Julie Kresge (Thanks Julie!) I am free from the bonds of grade perfection. WHO cares. I am not saying don't try, but don't strive. If getting an A is more important that a friend, I must say your priorities aren't in line. I know we should do our best, but I think that your best consists of an un-stressful strive. Don't beat yourself up if you didn't get that A. If you learn, thats what counts. Back to relationships, Making time for people, thats what matters.
-Learning to be a godly woman through the help of some wonderful guys. I have never really had close, godly guy friends that have really cared. There are two in particular God has placed in my life who have taught me so much. I wont' give names or details as not to embarrass them, but they are wonderful. Truly brothers in Christ. They have told me hard truths about letting guys lead, letting them serve, letting them fulfill their calling to be men, by serving and protecting the women in their lives. Who says those things?! They encourage me to let down my pride and be served by them. Letting men do things for me that I feel I am capable of myself, is humbling and trying. Letting them lead isn't an easy thing. They are so patient with me and continue to pour biblical truth into my life and share the words my ears do not wish to hear. Even when I argue, and fight it, they still wait and correct me out of love. I am learning to "be a woman" if you will and let them be men. This is so new to me, but I am learning a lot from this.
-Be an example. Watch my speech. How do I say things? What do I say? Is it wise? Will it encourage and build up others? How are my actions? Ah..so much

Well my messy clutter of a bed is calling to me. My room is a chaotic mess at the moment, but I am excited for the next day, whatever it holds.

"The joy of the Lord's salvation is my strength"

Selfish girl.

Haiti.

Why?

I am so selfish sometimes. Sometimes is likely an understatement. I have heard so many heartbreaking prayer requests this week. Losing your mom to cancer, your dad a former minister involved in affair trying to divorce your mom, Haiti, not having source of income..and sometimes all I can think about is time management,what's for dinner, and ponder about a stupid boy..

I don't deserve anything I have. I take too much for granted. Something will come up, my health issues will flare up, I'll have a crazy homework assignment, whatever. Then I'll be begging God for His help once again. There is much truth to the line "I need Thee every hour". "Every" meaning times of joy and sorrow. All the time. I complain way too much. I whine, I think about myself more often than I should. I need to invite my neighbor over for tea, ask my students about THEIR lives, look for that lonely soul and listen, pray for an opportunity to give and serve. I know what I should do, why can't I release my sin nature and just be obedient?

You say let go, I say hold on, You say now, I say wait, you say try, I say give up, You say now, I say never, You say yes, I say no..

I am missing out on what I am called to do.

Cloud 9. or maybe its a dream. Perhaps this could be real..

This week. Will be forever remembered. I have no words that can fully express my joy and gratitude to the Lord and his faithful servants. All in one week, all the details of my life worked out. I now have a second job which I applied for on monday,PCM**, a test taken, groceries bought, a third side-job, money from a family member, and a scholarship. Its seriously almost too much. I really can't express myself. All of the anxiety that came with last semester, every worry and fear taken away withing seven days. Unreal. Just unreal. God is providing everything. All my prayers, not wasted nor my tears and pain that was felt. Waiting on the Lord is never an easy assignment, but God is faithful. Beyond our imagination..




Suffering never seemed an easy road,
A path I wouldn't choose to follow,
but you called me down,
and there were no means of escape.
Frantically I searched for a way out,
getting lost along the way,
facing all fear, pain,rejection, and defeat,

I found myself asking the familiar question of why, and you answered,

No prayer in vain, not a single tear wasted, My mercies never cease, My faithfulness never ends, My love never fails, and all you need I still continue to provide

Being tested through the fire,
the feeling of being refined,
waiting is never an easy tasks,
emotions running high that can overtake you,
don't loose sight,
remember the joy that comes with the morning,
remember the words that were given to you..

No prayer in vain, not a single tear wasted, My mercies never cease, My faithfulness never ends, My love never fails, and all you need I still continue to provide

Finding hope among the situations most hopeless, Faith in the driest valley, Joy within the most bereaving sorrows..

No prayer in vain, not a single tear wasted, His mercies never ceased,His faithfulness never ended,His love never failed, and all I needed He still continues to provide..

Joy really does come with the morning..

An evening with Sara Groves.

I am about to say my prayers, and rest my head while hoping it clears up during the night. I am hoping that rest is in my body's agenda this evening.

I have had this weird cold all week, and last night it kept me up. I should be asleep, but I've been listening to Sara Groves for the past two hours and sucking on a another cough drop I wish I could meet her. Her lyrics make me think. They inspire me. I wish I could write like her. I appreciate the honesty she expresses in her songs. I know have potential to write honestly, but will I let myself? Am I restraining myself? In my head, I come up with any and every adjective to express my feelings, but to put my feelings onto paper is like making it official. I feel safe inside my head. Putting it down, even in my own private journal means I am admitting it to myself. As if I didn't already know. As is if keeping it inside my head protects me from myself, or anyone else. Honesty requires vulnerability which potentially leads to pain. Why should I fear myself? Am I afraid regrets and self-hatred that could result from me penning my thoughts? Ultimately, why should I fear God? Is that really what this could be? Perhaps a combination of both. Today my scripture reading (which I admit I have neglected the past few days as I continue in Genesis fell in Chapter 3 verses 8-13. It read about Adam and Eve's feelings right after their first sin. They knew God was in the garden, yet they still hid. They still tried to lie and blame one another, rather than admit their mistakes and be just honest with God. I find myself in this position many times. Why can't I just tell the simple truth? Is it really that simple? It should be. I complicate things, over analyze and make it worse than it really was.

Truth. Why do I wrestle with you? Can we not find middle ground on which to meet? Spare me the pain, and I'll let you out. Let me hold on to the parts which I know could devastate things, and you just give the bare minimal..we can make a compromise, it will all work out in the end right? Can't we both win that way? Yet pure truth, I know, I know, I can't keep part of you hidden. You say all or nothing. For you, there is no compromise. You require me to tell all. Why do you ask so much of me? Vulnerability takes so much effort, I am not sure I can do this. I know,I know, you desire me to tell all my secrets, all the hidden sin that lies within my heart. Do you not understand the pain which that will cause me? There is no easy road, no middle ground, no avoiding the scarring pain which lies ahead. You say It doesn't look pleasant, but in the end, dear truth, your telling me that there is redemption. I only did this to myself you say, but once I let go of you, once I set you free, it will sting and it will hurt for a while, but I will be healed in the end? I will be forgiven, and initial suffering will be all worth the joy and freedom to be experienced in the end? If there is truth to what you tell me, then maybe I can give this a try. I know, I know, its a call and a command,I must open up my heart and let the truth come out..