December 23.

Today, I realize again, that Im slapped in the face with my sin.

Said it. there it is.

I turn the other cheek to receive a blow from reality and truth.

I should be asleep, but much is on my little mind...

I've realized that this Christmas season, I've been floating along, trying to "get through". The final weeks of school turned me into a zombie. 41 papers this semester, (Yes, I counted), 60+ pages turned in the final week. Just busy. Now Im home, and honestly, Im happy to be relaxed. But, I'm still trying to move on past the "state" the events of the past month has put me in. Emotions can really bite, so can harsh realities.

Facts and truth. Some hurt. However, there is some truth that I am choosing to neglect, and that I need to place again in my heart and my head.

The truth is, my heart is broken, but the truth also is that I serve a God who chose me and loves me, and has better things planned. I can only reflect on the hard for so long. Time to move forward. What that looks like, I don't know. Im slightly nervous, but I must gather the pieces and ask for healing. It is good to have mourned, but as the Psalmist says "Though sorrow may last for the night, Joy comes with the morning"

I need to focus on the Incarnation of Christ, and the sacrifice made. This is no time for a melancholy mood to sink in. God has provided in many other ways, and I must choose to focus on those.

Reconciliation may not come, but thats not my hope. My hope is to find healing in my Savior, and serve him in anyway He calls me to go, even if thats through the deepest waters. I anticipate returning to school, spending time with my students, working with the children Im entrusted to, new classes with new things to learn and possibility of new relationships as well as continuing the old. I want to enjoy the few days I have left here. I need to push past laziness and other distractions and stay in the word as well.

Goodbye dear friend goodbye
perhaps again we shall meet,
but not in the same discourse,
old friend, as it goes
"I bid thee farewell"
no longer more we shall meet as friends,
but as mere fellows who respect one another well
I will not forget the past or throw away what once was
but the future does not behold the same
I shake your hand and congratulate your gain,
I nod my head in approval.
forgiveness is at hand,
but I fear reconciliation may not be so.
I ask you leave me be,
Let us go our separate ways.
Your always welcome at my door,
but change will remain as is
Thank you for all you've done,
I truly mean all,
But now I part on good terms,
Goodbye is all.

"Let me go get your trouble can!"

Did you know dogs could be trained with cans of coins rattling? They hate the noise. My sister now punishes our new dog with this...interesting

Home free finally. Unfortunately, I have a cold, which made for an awesome southwest flight. Mental health day is today. yes, yes it is. Sleep was great last night, in addition to seeing my family. Im still working on Seminary applications and my resume. In one week, I've turned in 60+ pages of work...in one week. Ive been in the "zone" for a month now. Im finally free! Ive turned in over 30 papers this semester. no quizzes and one objective test. so strange. But its over!

One more semester of college left. It feels so strange. Job hunting, seminary searching..weird. real life starts in June. I'm only home for almost two weeks, then I head home to work. Its weird to call Chicago home, but I do live an apartment. And I do have a job. Somewhat established life? This semester has been tough, but I survived. As usual, Im learning from it. Hard lessons, but yea, its life.

Can anyone explain intuition to me? Mine's outta control lately..its kinda weird.

Oh, the sinus meds are getting to me. I am done. done. I can't say it enough. done. ha ha. done done done done done!


"Well she wants to live her life
And she thinks about her life
Pulls her hair back and she screams,
"I don't really want to live this life!"

She only drinks coffee at midnight
When the moment is not right
Her timing is quite
Unusual

You see, her confidence is tragic
And her intuition magic"

Rollercoaster

So this week is full ups and downs. Dontcha love it when you have to face reality? meh.

I think some reality is just plain crummy, but some is incredibly painful. I hate admitting things, but I know its good for me. How open am I going to be on here? I'll surface it, because I know there are readers out there who struggle with this, so here goes. Loneliness and rejection. Yes. Two things I hide from, avoid, run way ect..However, they exists and I am finally mustering up the courage to face these two. By nature, I typically have trouble crying. I will make the statement " I want to cry" and believe me, the desire is there but a tear may trickle...Finally I prayed the other night and wrote it out. Confessing before the Lord was not easy and the waterworks came out. I love when I do cry. Most days my emotions run deep, but not external. Im grateful in a sense, because I wont just cry anywhere and I can keep my cool. It usually takes alot to stir me. But a few nights ago it all came out. Oh, it hurt, and I literally prayed for Jesus to hold me. Finding comfort in talking to Him, confessing, stripping away pride, never fun but necessary. How else will the healing begin? I also had to write this paper about my life this week for mentoring women class, and that thing just stunk. It took way longer than I expected and was emotionally draining. This has been an unusually emotional week for me. I went to small group tonight and I am always encouraged by those people. I love my church. I am very grateful for a body of believers who care for one another and love the word. This church has such high standards and solid doctrine. I feel blessed. Oh, confessing is not fun, but thats why God gave us each other.

I've written some poetry this week, but thats not for publishing. yet. But in honor of poetry and the gift of laughter, I wlll post the Poem I wrote at 2 AM while on internship one night. Annie typed it in her phone, and we did read this aloud in our health class. So here it is..enjoy!

Dr. Suess on Celiac Sprue
Oh sprue
What did you do?
You damaged my nerves
You messed up my curves!
Don't eat the bread.
It'll mess up your head!
Down with the wheat
An enemy to defeat.
Gotta stay away from dairy
Because it's just so scary.
So many foods my body rejects
Now all edibles must be select.
The bread upon the shelf
Makes my body attack itself.
Going to the store is like a game
Sometimes I nearly go insane!
I inspect each and every label
Wary of foods to set upon the table.
Of each meal prepared I must beware
Oh patients of celiac, if you dare:
Eat the gluten
And you'll be poopin'.
Eat some bread
And you'll be dead!

Contextualize..

Missions conference. Last year I was stressing out over searching for an internship. This year, I search for answers to difficult questions that most people would not think to ask. Postmodernism has creeped its way into missions, slowly morphing the minds of those who have passionate hearts and pure intentions, but lacking in absolute truth. Can you tell me the gospel? How do you present that to a religious system which intertwines culture and religion together so tightly? How can you reach the hardest of hearts, who understand nothing but shame and honor? What if they don't believe in sin? What god do they worship? ? Is he the same as YHWH? How far is too far in contextualization? Who is Jesus?

Many of these answers were unknown. These people question themselves.

Not all roads lead to heaven. We wish, we dream, we desire this..but its not reality. The road is narrow..

Deception. Heresy. Harsh? Yes, maybe so.

I am appalled, disgusted and angry at what I am discovering.

I say "How dare you."

What may seem ideal, is it truth?

Know you Bible. Know the Word. Be in it. Pray for discernment. Pray for wisdom.

May the Lord have mercy on us.

On the day of judgement may my hands remain clean of their blood.

Many call on the name of the Lord, but do not truly know Him.

This has to stop. The Gospel must be preserved. Must. Absolutely must.

"Take off your theology hats and put on your missions hat"....Really? What is missions without theology? What is one without the other? A symbiotic relationship that cannot be separated.

Who is with me?

Book Review: The legacy of Sovereign Joy-John Piper

Let me begin by declaring my love for biographies. I highly enjoy reading about the lives and History of others. I am a history geek. In fact, I have enough college credits in history to minor in it, if I attended a secular university. It wasn't necessarily by choice, but it just happened. I enjoy reading about the accounts from the past. I find it fascinating to learn about how people, religion, politics and culture got where they are today.

Anyway, book.

John Piper is one of my favorite authors, and theologians. I enjoy listening to his sermons when given the chance, and have had the opportunity to see him speak once. He does an excellent job of applying theology to life. His writing style also has an emotional flare to it, which I highly relate to. This book " The legacy of Sovereign Joy", has brief biographies of Augustine, Luther and Calvin. Piper begins with the common theme of grace in the lives of these church fathers, and begins with their flaws. They are human, and like the rest of us, were sinners saved by grace. Augustine was once a addicted to sex, Luther had the mouth of a sailor, and Calvin approved the murder of a heretic. However, the work of God in all their lives is sovereign grace over sin abounding. Each of these men realized that God's grace and mercy is what saved them, and only He alone can grip, and change the heart of man. They find joy in God's saving grace, and strived to reform the church, and glorify God by studying the scriptures with a passion, and zeal to bring the truth of God to the church and glorify God alone. Of course, each man had his own flaws, each one suffered persecution and fought against the idea of man's free will to choose God, Pelagian philosophy. The battle between the authority of the church a tradition, and God's Holy word alone.

There is much to be learned from their lives, and one day I would like to read full biographies on these men. Augustine emphasized f
inding delight in God, and God alone. "Our hearts will not rest until they rest in you"-as quoted by Augustine, ( and I recall this quote from my Christianity and Western culture I class) "Loving God is being so satisfied in God and so delighted in all that He is for us that His commandments are not burdensome" (Piper 58). "Grace governs life by giving a supreme joy in the supremacy of God" (Piper 61). Luther's focus on studying the scriptures and applying them remind me of the importance they are as authority in our lives. Also, the necessit of praying and asking God for wisdom before studying His word. " You should completely despair of your own sense and reason, for by these you will not attain the goal...Rather kneel down in your private little room and with sincere humility and earnestness pray to God, through His dear Son, graciously to grant you His Holy Spirit to enlighten and guide you and give you understanding" (Ibid., vol. 3, p. 1359). Calvin shared the importance of expository preaching and biblical orthodoxy as well as God's supremacy He wanted nothing more than God to be glorified and for others to see God's truth.
It is encouraging, and such a wonderful reminder to me that God uses all saved sinners for His purposes. Despite my flaws, I am still chosen by God to bring Him glory and be used to further His kingdom. A lesson in true humility. Do not give up or try and earn back you favor with God, yet let God's grace abound and triumph over your sin, and praise Him for His power to forgive continuously.

'God has a great work for everyone to do. Do it with all your might-yes, and even with all your flaws and all your sins. And in the obedience of this faith, magnify the glory of His grace, and do not grow weary in doing good" (Piper 145).


Also, some other books I have read this summer/reading:
"Saved by Grace"-Anthony A. Hoekema : Very in-depth explanation of Salvation. It is a heavy read, so it is taking me time to work through. It is very good in its explanation of Salvation. I am still reading it currently, but recommend it thus far.

"Augustine's confessions"-Augustine: Still reading this as well, going through bits at a time, but its is very thought provoking, and written in the form of a prayer. I highly enjoy this so far. Good lessons on Humility and the life of Augustine.

"The Crescent through the eyes of the Cross:Insights from an Arab Christian"-Dr.Nabeel T. Jabbour: This book advocates the insider movement and explains much of the philosophy and thinking behind this movement. Poor hermeneutics, and mis-interpreting of scripture. I encourage Christians, especially those going into Muslim ministry, to read this book. You need to know what is out there. Read this with your bible, and check the scriptures referenced. I have already handwritten my book review on this, Perhaps I'll put it on here soon.

"The truth about " A Common word""-Sam Solomon and Al-Maqdisi. PLEASE read this. I have the actual book itself but you can read it on PDF here: http://www.answering-islam.org/fileadmin/authors/solomon/truth_about_common_word.pdf
It exposes the common word document, and after reading the Koran myself in context, it explains the basis of the "Insider movement" and "Common Ground". This is written by a former Imam, an ex-muslim. Deception is out there, and I have witnessed its reality and its presentation of a false gospel. The Insider movement and Common Ground cause nothing but deception, and is founded upon this document. How many Christians and Muslims alike are being deceived? In due time, I will write about my experiences with this.

I feel strange

Texas is hot.

Its also busy. Why am I awake?

Anyway, one week left until I leave for Moody, my new apartment, and my amazing roommates, my job,and my senior year. Weird. So weird. I have been having reflecting some on my last year. I want to attend seminary, but at this point I am having to put that on hold, and work up to it. I can't get the idea of finding a real job out of my head. Life without school? super weird. However, I am equally excited about the idea finding a "real job", but will be more excited when I find out when I have that "real job" This weekend begins the construction of my resume and such. Yes, its early, but I am one of those who jump starts all the time when it comes to jobs. It does not guarantee me anything, but I will try. My desire is to stay in Chicago,or the surrounding suburbs, but we will see what God has in store. Either way, I want to start looking.

As far as moody goes, I will be more than ready to graduate, but will miss Moody and my companions more than anything. I am truly blessed with such a community of friends there. There are so many classes I want to take but can't, many moments I want to hold on to, but can't. I am making it a goal of mine to cherish this last year, and take every opportunity I can to invest. I also want to cherish my job(s). I won't be returning to daystar this fall, due to my schedule, and I am incredibly sad about this. I will miss those kids. But I still have Ian. I get to see him in less than two weeks! Goodness, I miss that kid. Im also filling in for another family on occasion that I was connected with during summer school. My job, working this little people, has been a great experience. Its never something I would have chosen to do from pure want, but I have learned so much from it, and grown. Who knows, maybe Ill teach children's ESL?

Oh, did I mention I my sweet friend, and former RA Ashley is now married? Yes, it was beautiful. Ashley has helped shape my life in more ways than she knows. My dear friend Christi is getting married next week, and I am trying to figure out if I can get there. She is a saint. Her wedding was originally planned for three weeks from now, but the U.S military is asking for her fiancee sooner than planned. True love, to move up your wedding, without complaints. Christi has been a huge influence on my life, in so many ways. So many..

Both of my roommates are in engaged now! Dawn just recently got engaged, and Faith has been since April. Both have wonderful Fiancees' and I am very excited about rooming with them! Faith and Josh are wonderful beyond words. Let me be a little sentimental here..Faith and I are like sisters now, and I get chocked up thinking about the two of them finally being able to marry. They have raised the bar for all couples and have been such a great example for me and others. Dawn, has the sweetest man, and the two of them compliment each other so well. Dawn has been a true friend to me in so many ways, including sleeping on a hospital windowsill with me overnight. Goodness, I can't wait to share life with these girls next year. I only wish we had done this sooner!! meh!

Ok, enough rambling. Its way late, and I still have an urge to read. Typing up LP's all day is daunting, and what a better way to unwind than an episode of boy meets word, friends, and a biography on John Calvin. Book reviews to come soon.

Speechless.

It has been quite sometime since I updated. There is a very valid reason for this, actually a few. First premise, I am on internship and very busy. Second Premise, this internship cannot be describe, literally, not now. Conclusion: I can't write about it. Ok ,this is proably more of an inductive arguement rather than deductive, but the conclusion is more, I can write now, but still not about internship.

My philosphical brain side has emerged.If only it did that when I was in that class..

Well, some internship details will come later. I am tired,and I am inspired to write for whatever reason. I can tell you about the good things regarding my internship. (Note: I purposfully have not written in my internship blog, because I really don't know what to say there without being to surface level. That ain't my style)

ESL classes are so fun. I have to admit, 3.5 hours of it is really long, for me and my students. I teach a beginner class of 11 women from Yemen. THey are so great. Some are moms, some are young adults. THese women are so wonderful. THey learn fast, and handle well. One student, (one of the moms) does not fit the mold. She cracks jokes in class, plays with her veil, and prouldy shows off her Christmas socks she wears daily. It cracks me up. Her sarcasm level is also high, which I find highly amusing. I am also learning Arabic from them, and they love it. I love connecting with them. They also teach us Arabic dances and share their amazing food with us. I will never be able to buy hummus from a store again after this..

I only have two weeks left. Two week of English, and two weeks to show them Jesus. Thats all on that for now.

This summer has changed my life. Dramatically. I have new plans, new dreams, new goals, and have never been more passionate about the gospel in my life. Reasons will come later. I want badly to go to seminary. I want to study Apologetics, Theology and counseling. I want to be all three of these things. I want to continue ministering to Muslims, as well as build up the body of Christ. I want to further study Islam and Judaism. I am not sure where the future is headed, other than I know that I have one more year left at Moody. That is my current calling.

Also, thanks for all the prayers and encouragement for those who have been praying/calling/emailing/texting..ect..
I have never desired it or needed it more.
Oh, two more weeks. Bittersweet.Very. (I use that word alot)