Monday Musings

Today. Man. What a day.

I got around 5.5 hours of sleep. I woke up early to spend time in the the word. There is a whole selfish story to tag along with that..My SIM card disappeared. It was there before Philosophy, but not after. So I have no cell phone. That thing won't even tell me what time it is.. I had milk in my soup, took lactaid, and for the first time it caused a rash to break out in the middle of Phonetics. I went to teach, none of my students showed up. Two meetings, and solely fruit for dinner. Awesome. However, I can look back on this day, and be humbled. I remember being so upset about the SIM card, after I made lunch, I sat down and just prayed for grace. I prayed for humility, wisdom, patience, and a positive Christ reflective attitude no matter what the rest of the day held. I also prayed for my SIM card to be found, but that did not happen, however, i managed to remain calm, much more than before lunch. I am actually just tired. Not mad. Its only by God's grace that I can now "shake off" the things that would normally greatly upset me. Its amazing how prayer can really effect my attitude. Pray without ceasing, as Paul writes. It really does work. Things certainly did not go as planned,

Allie, when will you learn? How many times will we have to go through this? This song comes to my head. Its been in my head for a while now. I feel like this is true all around. I have been battling this all semester, this whole "Love your neighbor as yourself" truth. I feel like this goes for my internship, my classmates, my family, anyone. Loving a person is hard. Really hard. Its a choice we have to make. It takes effort, it takes patience, it takes time. I can only pray to show others His love. Some people, its harder than others. There is one person in specific that I know God has placed in my life, that really tries me. Sometimes I cringe, and feel like I don't have the patience to deal. However, that is wrong. I need to be in prayer for this person. Needy Christians can be trying to me. My mentality, is " You should be learn dependency on God, not me". However, some need to grow. I am learning to be that middle of the night phone call, that answer to help, that ear to listen. Its hard. I don't want to always do it. It can be inconvenient to me. However, Christ put up with me. He still does. Daily. He put up with loudmouth Peter, and doubting Thomas. I need to act like that. When will I learn? "Teach me your ways Oh Lord, and lead me to your understanding and righteousness. May I strive to become more like you. Give me love for others, patience, and wisdom."

Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing
It takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change, sometimes we're waiting
We need grace either way

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

There's a lot of pain in reaching out and trying
It's a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces baby
Only one makes you free

Hold on to me
I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

If we go looking for offense
We're going to find it
If we go looking for real love
We're going to find it

Loving a Person
Sara Groves

Ready, Break!

Do you ever have those days that you feel so driven? I love days like that. I'm having one today.

I have been on a schedule all morning, and its working out nicely. I'm sitting in this really pretty coffee shop in the Ukrainian Village that my friend Lisa took me to. I have finished two papers, and a "virtual field trip" since I've been here, while drinking two cups of decaf coffee with added cinnamon. Such goodness. I love this feeling of accomplishment accompanied by a simple pleasure. (In this case, my decaf coffee)

I am now trying to figure out how to write my philosophy paper. I looked at the instructions, and my brain somewhat froze up. So I'm taking a break. That class just scares me. It find it very intimidating.

I need to work on Internship things. I have one week from today to turn in my top three choices to the missions department. yikes.

Last night, I went to Jewel-Osco and saved 11 dollars on my gluten free, soy free, dairy free groceries. They are getting more stuff, and more deals. My heart was so happy last night. I feel like its a game when I go into the grocery store. How much gluten free food can I find? Lets compare the cost! I always stand in awe for a moment when I find something "normal". People probably think "what is that girl's problem? why is she staring at the shelf like that?" For example, I found gluten free waffles. Waffles, the kind where you just pop them in the toaster and within 90 seconds or so they come out nice and crisp, ready to eat. Its like getting to feel normal again. Really, I am getting used to this. I like not being sick, and being able to eat good food. It also allows me to be creative..if some would call it that. Maybe just weird.

The past few days, I have been so grateful, for a lot of things. Looking for joy, and finding it. God has been so good to me, school bill, groceries, health, friends and getting to now go home for thanksgiving. I love my friends and family. I'm just going to say that again. I am richly blessed.


"His mercies are new every morning, Great is YOUR faithfulness." -Lam. 3:22

Processing...

I should be doing a million other things right now, but Im not. I stopped. I need to process, think and pray. My heart is super heavy, like it gained pounds of burdens in the last few days. This week has been a little hectic. Ok, thats an understatement. God has made me emotional. Yes, I am human, and yes I am a girl. I am wired to feel and process my thoughts.

Loneliness creeps up on me..yes, I am busy, yes I have friends, but sometimes, meetings, work, class, homework, PCM, and administrating things can be hard. very hard. I would be lying if I said it was easy. I'm tired, and drained. You know when you fill like your at your wits end, and you have nothing left to give? I'm so there. I feel like I have no more energy, no more, anything. I cry out to the Lord, begging for energy, strength, and a renewed spirit. Apathy and laziness creep up and slip into the cracks of my hardened heart. They bring along their companions, loneliness, and self-pity, accompanied by anxiety, worry, fear and dismay. Disappointment, failure, and depression sink in..all of these things are sin. I feel entangled and trapped, desperate for a way out.

This morning, I finally accepted and discussed with my advisor about my health. my health may cause my internship to be stateside, in of all places, Detroit Michigan. The ministry is great, but I can name a few reasons why I don't want to go to Detroit. I want to go to Europe. My wings have been clipped..maybe..I am still praying, fighting, waiting for results..

Registration in confusing..
I want to cry.

Scream?

I want Jesus to hold me, and and just take me away from this world, and allow me to never look back.

However, I am called here, now, for a purpose. I struggle through this life, just as anyone else, and its all for a reason.

I have been assigned a lot of responsibility, with that comes sacrifice. Can I handle it all?

Yes, with help.

I am tired, weary, soul..asking for some peace, and wisdom.

Serenity prayer.

"Do not be slothful in Zeal, but fervent in spirit"-Rom. 12:11...this verse has been stuck in my head since last night. I actually got out of bed, turned on the light and had to look it up in my concordance, why its there, Im not sure, but its there..

Tonight is Gospel choir rehearsal. Yes.
Dear Lord,
I am desperate for You. I call on Yahweh. My healer, deliver, shield and defense. My refuge that I can hide in. Please comfort, and guide me.
Love,
Allie

Ever have those days you just feel like that?

I only had three hours of sleep last night due to my meds having caffeine in them. Didn't know that..Sudafed "non-drowsy" keeps one awake *noted* I survived. Classes resumed today, it is always nice to return to routine. Its funny how my classes, all four subjects seemed to tie into together somehow. Bible teaching, to Philosophy to phonetics and then Christianity and Western Culture..weird. Its like my professors got together and decided to make everything fit together and even make the same jokes..

Well to get down to it, do you ever have those days you just feel guilty? Like the sins have been building up and just hanging over you? All day? I prayed briefly this morning that I would remain awake and alert today and all day, especially after chapel, I just felt terrible. Like I was guilty of all the world's crimes. I felt no peace, and my heart froze over. It was like I was unable to love, and move on past sin. I hate days I feel like that. In my head and my heart I know the truth. The truth that my sins are forgiven, because of a Savior's death on a cross, and I made a new creation in Him. My guilt and shame are removed and I now have freedom in Christ. Thankfully, these feelings subsided at the beginning of philosophy class as I was writing a prayer out, and I had a friend come up and talk to me..its funny how that broke me and my friend didn't even know they had served me in that way by making casual conversation. To top it off, that class, (even though I feel completely and utterly lost and seem to have no clue what's going on till' the information sinks in after class) always makes me laugh. My friends and their witty comments and inside jokes, and my cynical, yet hilarious professor, whom we all know is a genius yet he simplifies the subject for people like me; help me to enjoy that class. Then I have Phonetics, which is interesting to nerds like myself, but I will admit challenging, but there is yet another fabulous professor who encourages us with his stories and lessons he's learned and really enjoys engaging in our personal lives. Ah, i feel like I could expand more on my Professors, they really are quite wonderful. I never thought I'd even care to get to know them, but at this school, they really do love us crazy, confused, and yes sometimes dumb college students. I am blessed.

Well, today I feel like I have much to weigh in. This past week my convictions have been eating at me. Its taken so much of me to pray, and read my bible. My prayers this week being with "My hear and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever"(Ps.73:26) It truly is astounding to be near to the Lord. I feel more and more convicted. I am tempted to be lazy, not to love others, not to pray, not to memorize scripture, and more, but God provides a way out.

Side Note: You know what else is great about memorizing scripture? God keeps it in your head, so you'll be thinking on all day. For example: Counting it all joy when I face any trial? really? or am I really taking care of the orphans and widows? how about discriminating against people? Am I becoming a judge with evil thoughts? Oh how the word does pierce the heart, sharper than any two-edged sword. God's word is convicting. Love my enemies? Honor those in authority over me? Love, patience, perseverance, self-control, gentleness, kindness, mercy? Have I become just a clanging noise without love shown to others? Do I really believe that God is my shelter and refuge? So much..

This post is rather long, and full of ramblings. Sometimes my thoughts really have no train..

I should be doing other things..I'm typically not the procrastinator..

Man, being sick tires you out fast.

I've been cleaning, and organizing and it took everything out of me, so I sat down.  and I am not procrastinating by hanging out with my friends Ella, Frank,and Michael.  They make some pretty good jazz music..

I can't believe fall break is over..my head screams "NO!!This can't be it!", Alas, it is.  School starts again tomorrow. Back to Routine (which in a sense will be nice). School. only 3 1/2 semesters left..  At least this week is short. And Inauguration day for Dr. Nyquist is Friday. I'm working some catering event for the school that night..I honestly have nooo idea what's going on. One thing at a time I guess.

My fall break wasn't all I hoped and dreamed thanks to my uninvited guest Sinus infection and his guest of honor Vertigo.. Last night was still fun though with "Loaded Questions", and I did get to sleep a lot  this weekend:) And my friends are just fabulous. Absolutely fabulous.

Oh, and I also started re-memorizing the book of James.  I'm halfway through chapter 2! I guess sometimes its takes things like sickness to realize I need to be doing this.  The Lord has been good to me, in more than one way this weekend.  I should stop procrastinating, and head onto homework and bed.  Maybe I'll skip to the latter..Tomorrow is a loaded day..(I really like the word loaded since last night..I think of baked potatoes).

Vertigo.

Today has been, um rough. I am experiencing my first wind of virtigo. Basically, this morning I tried to get up, and I can't walk straight, and I am very nausated, if you get the idea.  I had to miss church, work, and my planned trip to the store.  If this is still here tomorrow, I have to go to the doctor.  I feel so helpless. Annie made me lunch, and went to the store to gets meds, and faith made me dinner.  I can't even prop the pillows up alone. I am very sore from lying flat, and my electrolytes are probably low.  ugh, I have cognitive thinking, which is good, but everything else is eh..

I feel so unproductive, and I am in pain. Well, I will survive this.  This is a no whining zone.

Moving is never easy.

Goodbye wordpress, I am sorry your gadgets were too complicated and your templates, frankly not expressive of pretty enough. Also, blogspot has spell check, a major plus for one with slight dyslexia..(hmm..I can't believe I just admitted that) It was not an easy decision to make, but alas, I have chosen to move to blogspot.  This new place is simple, and pretty.  I like it here. Welcome home. I'll start off with a lighter post..

Sidenote: I will try and figure out if I can transfer all my old posts over here..surely there is a way? But will I be patient enough to figure it out..

"Fall break" aka: four day weekend, is here.  Its quiet.  I accomplished alot of reading for classes today, as well as caught up on some sleep.  I am about to go watch a movie with some fun girlfriends.  I haven't had to set foot in the cold today. Its been a fairly good day. I can't complain.  Tomorrow is busy, Monday, kinda..Tuesday will consist of coffee, thrift stores, friends, laughter and fun.  No school, work, or teaching.   Tuesday will be the goal I am focused on getting to..Who would've ever thought a Tuesday could finally be restful for the first time in my life? Until next semester, I love Tuesday.

I am grateful for today, missions conference, and my first season of fall.  I can say at least I have been somewhat content today..working on it