Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I Just showed up, for my own life. Or maybe just returned to it..

Wow. The roller coaster of this semester is twisting and turning way too quickly, and way too much. Its slowing down. I still have tons on my plate, but let me just describe to you, how God is.

Humility is a bold thing to pray for. I got it. In a hard way. I learned a tough lesson this week. I cried. Multiple times. For multiple reasons. One main lesson though: I was dead wrong. I learned to give something over to the Lord, in which I did, which was scary and bold, and the answer I received was the fear I dreaded. However, God is gracious. He showed me mercy and kindness undeserved once again.

Today, I cried tears of relief and joy. I finally saw beauty again. Beauty within pain, joy in pain, and most importantly God. I love how He loves me. I love how He created me. I am glad He made me to enjoy aesthetically pleasing things. I used to love sunrises and sunsets and simple things like green grass. I have allowed myself to become distracted and forgotten these simple yet amazing gifts. Every new day given, oh such a blessing. I cried tears of joy this morning, after literally living out Psalm 30: 5 "Weeping my tarry for the night but joy comes in the morning" Literally, its did. The pain is gone, the confusion fading away, God has taught me much in a period of one week. Looking back, more like a month, I just didn't see it.

I feel like a new person. For real. God has renewed that steadfast spirit within me that is mentioned in Psalm 51:10. At the church I've been attended recently, Psalm 23 was preached in such as new way this past way. The Lord is my Shepard, who knows my needs before I do. He has provided all I need thus far, why be in want?

Sunsets, sonnets, brave &loving friends(who tell you how it is), godly wisdom, a new start, a good new friend, restoration, the list continues.

I really want to play the piano again, and write a song.

I love my student teaching.

I have a wonderful friend,Christi, who has helped me through a difficult issue, and was brave to tell me the truth, even though it hurt. I love this girl and I am beyond grateful for her.

I got to hug the kids at work again today.

I love being a emotional, melancholy, introvert and want to fully embrace who God made me.

I miss being artsy, poetic, and musical. I love that God put these desires in my heart and allows me to use them.

God's love is constant, and He reveals it to me in so many new ways, even in my mistakes.

Spring break is almost here. I look forward to rest and more growth.

I deleted my facebook, rather impulsively but it was needed and I love my new computer screen background, fresh dew on morning grass.

That is all.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

How is it already February 9th? Someone please tell

Time is fleeting. Slipping through my fingertips. Quickly. I am unwinding, finding time to write in here, and then in my journal. (The good juicy stuff I know you want to, maybe... ha.)

I am praying for a snow day tomorrow. I know, I should be used to snow, but its supposed to get pretty intense. I could use another free day. I have so much work. I've been at it for a few hours, and I am already done in. My workload is scary. Looking at my planner freaks me out. But yet, I remain calm. Last week during founders week I was challenged to rise early in the morning and spend time with the Lord. Something I should have been doing. So, even if I am dragging, I still go at it. I love it. Currently there are many distractions in my life, some even beyond the typical stresses of school and work. Even some "good" distractions. I have also visited a new church, which I really like. But I need to keep seeking the Lord through this, even if I don't like this process, I need to be wise. No impulsive actions here. Its so different searching for a church based on opportunities to serve rather than self-serve. A new perspective. Of course, doctrine is of most high importance, but rather than me looking for what I want(music, socially ect.), this time I am looking to serve the body. *Thank you again Professor, for such wise advice.* I miss being apart of the church. And by not being, I am sinning. Selfishly.

Well a brief summary of what I am learning, and what's going on inside my head and heart..bullet point style..( and for times sake I apologize for the lack of scripture I should insert here)
-To be a better listener still. Stop talking about myself, and listen. Don't jump to give advice, listen. Don't insert your own story/opinion, listen. Be the ear, be the shoulder, be the friend.
-Patience. I work with children. I am in a 3 major waiting process that could potentially change my life, (well two could). Waiting is so hard. It really is. I haven't had to wait on "big things" in such a long time. But I am being called to do so. The temptation to act on my own will and impulses are there, but daily I pray for patience, wisdom and discernment.
-Being Intentional. Breakfast dates,Tuesday meals, Wed. lunches and Friday lunches/evenings are dedicated to nothing but people. Its the easiest way for me to meet up with people, I mean we all gotta eat! I may have to schedule it in, but its in. Asking someone to breakfast, sitting with my friends with my home-cooked meals when I don't have to be in the SDR, it takes effort, but its so worth it. I love people, I love friends, and I want more of it.
-Character building. Picking an attribute of Christ to focus on, and watching myself throughout the day.
-Reflecting. Learning to feel. To express my emotions in a healthy way. Knowing oneself is the first way to understanding others. Reflecting on how I feel is so healthy and helpful.
-Relationships. To quote my wise friend "Relationships go to heaven, homework doesn't"-Julie Kresge (Thanks Julie!) I am free from the bonds of grade perfection. WHO cares. I am not saying don't try, but don't strive. If getting an A is more important that a friend, I must say your priorities aren't in line. I know we should do our best, but I think that your best consists of an un-stressful strive. Don't beat yourself up if you didn't get that A. If you learn, thats what counts. Back to relationships, Making time for people, thats what matters.
-Learning to be a godly woman through the help of some wonderful guys. I have never really had close, godly guy friends that have really cared. There are two in particular God has placed in my life who have taught me so much. I wont' give names or details as not to embarrass them, but they are wonderful. Truly brothers in Christ. They have told me hard truths about letting guys lead, letting them serve, letting them fulfill their calling to be men, by serving and protecting the women in their lives. Who says those things?! They encourage me to let down my pride and be served by them. Letting men do things for me that I feel I am capable of myself, is humbling and trying. Letting them lead isn't an easy thing. They are so patient with me and continue to pour biblical truth into my life and share the words my ears do not wish to hear. Even when I argue, and fight it, they still wait and correct me out of love. I am learning to "be a woman" if you will and let them be men. This is so new to me, but I am learning a lot from this.
-Be an example. Watch my speech. How do I say things? What do I say? Is it wise? Will it encourage and build up others? How are my actions? much

Well my messy clutter of a bed is calling to me. My room is a chaotic mess at the moment, but I am excited for the next day, whatever it holds.

"The joy of the Lord's salvation is my strength"