Thursday, October 29, 2009


I should be doing a million other things right now, but Im not. I stopped. I need to process, think and pray. My heart is super heavy, like it gained pounds of burdens in the last few days. This week has been a little hectic. Ok, thats an understatement. God has made me emotional. Yes, I am human, and yes I am a girl. I am wired to feel and process my thoughts.

Loneliness creeps up on me..yes, I am busy, yes I have friends, but sometimes, meetings, work, class, homework, PCM, and administrating things can be hard. very hard. I would be lying if I said it was easy. I'm tired, and drained. You know when you fill like your at your wits end, and you have nothing left to give? I'm so there. I feel like I have no more energy, no more, anything. I cry out to the Lord, begging for energy, strength, and a renewed spirit. Apathy and laziness creep up and slip into the cracks of my hardened heart. They bring along their companions, loneliness, and self-pity, accompanied by anxiety, worry, fear and dismay. Disappointment, failure, and depression sink in..all of these things are sin. I feel entangled and trapped, desperate for a way out.

This morning, I finally accepted and discussed with my advisor about my health. my health may cause my internship to be stateside, in of all places, Detroit Michigan. The ministry is great, but I can name a few reasons why I don't want to go to Detroit. I want to go to Europe. My wings have been clipped..maybe..I am still praying, fighting, waiting for results..

Registration in confusing..
I want to cry.


I want Jesus to hold me, and and just take me away from this world, and allow me to never look back.

However, I am called here, now, for a purpose. I struggle through this life, just as anyone else, and its all for a reason.

I have been assigned a lot of responsibility, with that comes sacrifice. Can I handle it all?

Yes, with help.

I am tired, weary, soul..asking for some peace, and wisdom.

Serenity prayer.

"Do not be slothful in Zeal, but fervent in spirit"-Rom. 12:11...this verse has been stuck in my head since last night. I actually got out of bed, turned on the light and had to look it up in my concordance, why its there, Im not sure, but its there..

Tonight is Gospel choir rehearsal. Yes.
Dear Lord,
I am desperate for You. I call on Yahweh. My healer, deliver, shield and defense. My refuge that I can hide in. Please comfort, and guide me.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Ever have those days you just feel like that?

I only had three hours of sleep last night due to my meds having caffeine in them. Didn't know that..Sudafed "non-drowsy" keeps one awake *noted* I survived. Classes resumed today, it is always nice to return to routine. Its funny how my classes, all four subjects seemed to tie into together somehow. Bible teaching, to Philosophy to phonetics and then Christianity and Western Culture..weird. Its like my professors got together and decided to make everything fit together and even make the same jokes..

Well to get down to it, do you ever have those days you just feel guilty? Like the sins have been building up and just hanging over you? All day? I prayed briefly this morning that I would remain awake and alert today and all day, especially after chapel, I just felt terrible. Like I was guilty of all the world's crimes. I felt no peace, and my heart froze over. It was like I was unable to love, and move on past sin. I hate days I feel like that. In my head and my heart I know the truth. The truth that my sins are forgiven, because of a Savior's death on a cross, and I made a new creation in Him. My guilt and shame are removed and I now have freedom in Christ. Thankfully, these feelings subsided at the beginning of philosophy class as I was writing a prayer out, and I had a friend come up and talk to me..its funny how that broke me and my friend didn't even know they had served me in that way by making casual conversation. To top it off, that class, (even though I feel completely and utterly lost and seem to have no clue what's going on till' the information sinks in after class) always makes me laugh. My friends and their witty comments and inside jokes, and my cynical, yet hilarious professor, whom we all know is a genius yet he simplifies the subject for people like me; help me to enjoy that class. Then I have Phonetics, which is interesting to nerds like myself, but I will admit challenging, but there is yet another fabulous professor who encourages us with his stories and lessons he's learned and really enjoys engaging in our personal lives. Ah, i feel like I could expand more on my Professors, they really are quite wonderful. I never thought I'd even care to get to know them, but at this school, they really do love us crazy, confused, and yes sometimes dumb college students. I am blessed.

Well, today I feel like I have much to weigh in. This past week my convictions have been eating at me. Its taken so much of me to pray, and read my bible. My prayers this week being with "My hear and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever"(Ps.73:26) It truly is astounding to be near to the Lord. I feel more and more convicted. I am tempted to be lazy, not to love others, not to pray, not to memorize scripture, and more, but God provides a way out.

Side Note: You know what else is great about memorizing scripture? God keeps it in your head, so you'll be thinking on all day. For example: Counting it all joy when I face any trial? really? or am I really taking care of the orphans and widows? how about discriminating against people? Am I becoming a judge with evil thoughts? Oh how the word does pierce the heart, sharper than any two-edged sword. God's word is convicting. Love my enemies? Honor those in authority over me? Love, patience, perseverance, self-control, gentleness, kindness, mercy? Have I become just a clanging noise without love shown to others? Do I really believe that God is my shelter and refuge? So much..

This post is rather long, and full of ramblings. Sometimes my thoughts really have no train..

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I should be doing other things..I'm typically not the procrastinator..

Man, being sick tires you out fast.

I've been cleaning, and organizing and it took everything out of me, so I sat down.  and I am not procrastinating by hanging out with my friends Ella, Frank,and Michael.  They make some pretty good jazz music..

I can't believe fall break is head screams "NO!!This can't be it!", Alas, it is.  School starts again tomorrow. Back to Routine (which in a sense will be nice). School. only 3 1/2 semesters left..  At least this week is short. And Inauguration day for Dr. Nyquist is Friday. I'm working some catering event for the school that night..I honestly have nooo idea what's going on. One thing at a time I guess.

My fall break wasn't all I hoped and dreamed thanks to my uninvited guest Sinus infection and his guest of honor Vertigo.. Last night was still fun though with "Loaded Questions", and I did get to sleep a lot  this weekend:) And my friends are just fabulous. Absolutely fabulous.

Oh, and I also started re-memorizing the book of James.  I'm halfway through chapter 2! I guess sometimes its takes things like sickness to realize I need to be doing this.  The Lord has been good to me, in more than one way this weekend.  I should stop procrastinating, and head onto homework and bed.  Maybe I'll skip to the latter..Tomorrow is a loaded day..(I really like the word loaded since last night..I think of baked potatoes).

Sunday, October 18, 2009


Today has been, um rough. I am experiencing my first wind of virtigo. Basically, this morning I tried to get up, and I can't walk straight, and I am very nausated, if you get the idea.  I had to miss church, work, and my planned trip to the store.  If this is still here tomorrow, I have to go to the doctor.  I feel so helpless. Annie made me lunch, and went to the store to gets meds, and faith made me dinner.  I can't even prop the pillows up alone. I am very sore from lying flat, and my electrolytes are probably low.  ugh, I have cognitive thinking, which is good, but everything else is eh..

I feel so unproductive, and I am in pain. Well, I will survive this.  This is a no whining zone.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Moving is never easy.

Goodbye wordpress, I am sorry your gadgets were too complicated and your templates, frankly not expressive of pretty enough. Also, blogspot has spell check, a major plus for one with slight dyslexia..(hmm..I can't believe I just admitted that) It was not an easy decision to make, but alas, I have chosen to move to blogspot.  This new place is simple, and pretty.  I like it here. Welcome home. I'll start off with a lighter post..

Sidenote: I will try and figure out if I can transfer all my old posts over here..surely there is a way? But will I be patient enough to figure it out..

"Fall break" aka: four day weekend, is here.  Its quiet.  I accomplished alot of reading for classes today, as well as caught up on some sleep.  I am about to go watch a movie with some fun girlfriends.  I haven't had to set foot in the cold today. Its been a fairly good day. I can't complain.  Tomorrow is busy, Monday, kinda..Tuesday will consist of coffee, thrift stores, friends, laughter and fun.  No school, work, or teaching.   Tuesday will be the goal I am focused on getting to..Who would've ever thought a Tuesday could finally be restful for the first time in my life? Until next semester, I love Tuesday.

I am grateful for today, missions conference, and my first season of fall.  I can say at least I have been somewhat content today..working on it