Bittersweet.

Ah, I can honestly say, I am glad this chapter of life will soon end in two weeks. I suppose if you think of the semester ending as a chapter.

I do.

Normally, I do not want put a time table on seasons and chapters in my life, but as a college student, I think its legit.

The month of April has brought many showers..many I never wanted. Tension in relationships, failing health beyond any I have ever experienced before bringing about weakness and the need for help in many ways, a broken heart, none of these things which I wanted. Of course, who does? I ask for humility, and I truly mean it. I have questioned myself, is this really what I desire? However, it has been kindly pointed out to me, that I view humility in terms of legalism. Grace covers all. Nothing I can do will earn me favor in God's sight. Humility is to become more like His character and continue sanctification, but not to earn God's mercy. Christ already paid that price on the cross. How could I have been so blind to this truth?

Learning still, to process my emotions. To stop thinking so much, and start feeling. True honesty, pains the heart, but it is necessary.

I want this season to end. I was thinking tonight, I only have two weeks left. Everything will change. My living arrangements, my friends leave for the summer, classes end, summer school, more work, then internship. What a sense of relief I feel, looking forward to the summer. I do not know what it will bring, but I anticipate the turning of the page. I will look back, a month from now perhaps, and reflect on all I am learning in this moment. Hard lessons. However, I desire to grow. I desire to serve the church. I desire to be more like Him.

Psalm 139.

Stop running. Stop avoiding. It takes courage to face the truth.

Let love in. Let others serve me. We were made to serve each other.

Tomorrow is a new day. Literally, I am thankful for each breath given to me. Tonight, I wrote out a list of all I am thankful for. I didn't finish it yet, but I hope to soon. Ive wanted to make that list for awhile.

Mercies are new each morning. When I wake. "A new day is here, a new day to rejoice and be glad in. To be celebrated. To glorify God in. To be thankful for."

"Hallelujah, all I have is Christ"

Broken Eggs.

Once again, in Joes. This is my new thing I guess. This time I'm with people though.

Working on it:)

I am seeing change in my heart, its so painful, but if my desire is to really be like Christ, then I need to keep asking for humility, whatever the cost.

EDIT****

So I did not realize this post published. It was definitely not finished. I was interrupted by a friend, (which is a good thing) and I guess I hit publish instead of Save.

Well, Today begins a new journey. I am pretty ok with that.

Grace. Big picture. It covers everything. Even our obedience. I didn't realize how much I still struggle with the concept..

Corners.

I find myself again, in the school's coffee shop, writing a blog, tired of my homework. I have been people watching, and again, I feel so invisible at times, it can be a good and bad things. I feel like people perceive me as unapproachable at times, tired eyes, head in hands, headphones in. However, there are times where I think people just do not understand what the headphones mean. For example, when I am cooking, and my ipod is on, that says, "Do not disturb". But then, perhaps my moods can vary. At times, I do not mind the interruption, but other times I feel greatly annoyed.

Soap box. sorry.


I sometimes ask myself, perhaps daily, why do I continue to pray for humility? Humility hurts, it is painful, it is a process that I do not enjoy. However, I am called to be humble, and it is a process I need to undergo. I can honestly say my heart wishes to raise its complaints, and hold itself high. " I never asked for this!" "Ah, but dear heart, you are called to it, and unless I stand corrected, I do believe you did ask, therefore, you needn't complain. Your pride causes you to fall, the pit of complaining, the trap of self-pity, so easily entangle you. But take heart! Lift up your weary self. You are called to a greater hope, an eternal hope. Perseverance awaits you. Take hold of it, you will be delivered in time. "

I sit here in this corner, with a mind flooded with thoughts, thoughts that don't fully connect. yesterday, I was faced with another challenge, another reality to "grieve". This morning I asked the question "What does godly grieving look like?" The answered I received was not a step-by-step process. Acceptance, knowing that its not right, but it is. Crying out to God. Hoping in heaven. What a hope. I heard the testimony of an inspiring couple last night, from their mouths. I have never cried in a class before, like that. The suffering they endured, and the glory they gave to God. They gave a detail of their emotions.Questioning God, anger, grief, physical pain, loneliness..however they trusted. God's providence, they continued to mention over and over again. His sovereignty, His will, His wanting us to be more like Him. The process He wants us to undergo, to become like Him. I will have to look through my notes,I took so many. I have been so emotional lately. My flesh fights, but I find myself in this new reality, the reality of my desperate need for God. The want to become like Him fights against the want to give in.

Joy. I want that to be my theme. I have written much about it before, but I mean every piece. A joy only found in Christ.

"My failing heart, my failing flesh,
I cry out " I did not ask for this! Never!"
I wanted to be more like you,
The picture in my head was nothing such as this,
It was suppose to be joyful, pleasurable, simple, and cookie-cutter,
but my dreams have shattered,
I endure suffering, and sorrow fill my days,
I am an enemy of my own self,
This road, does it end?
This process, does it stop?
I hold onto, the speck of hope, the tiny glimpse,
praying that my heart would change,
to become like yours,
Is that what this is?"