December 23.

Today, I realize again, that Im slapped in the face with my sin.

Said it. there it is.

I turn the other cheek to receive a blow from reality and truth.

I should be asleep, but much is on my little mind...

I've realized that this Christmas season, I've been floating along, trying to "get through". The final weeks of school turned me into a zombie. 41 papers this semester, (Yes, I counted), 60+ pages turned in the final week. Just busy. Now Im home, and honestly, Im happy to be relaxed. But, I'm still trying to move on past the "state" the events of the past month has put me in. Emotions can really bite, so can harsh realities.

Facts and truth. Some hurt. However, there is some truth that I am choosing to neglect, and that I need to place again in my heart and my head.

The truth is, my heart is broken, but the truth also is that I serve a God who chose me and loves me, and has better things planned. I can only reflect on the hard for so long. Time to move forward. What that looks like, I don't know. Im slightly nervous, but I must gather the pieces and ask for healing. It is good to have mourned, but as the Psalmist says "Though sorrow may last for the night, Joy comes with the morning"

I need to focus on the Incarnation of Christ, and the sacrifice made. This is no time for a melancholy mood to sink in. God has provided in many other ways, and I must choose to focus on those.

Reconciliation may not come, but thats not my hope. My hope is to find healing in my Savior, and serve him in anyway He calls me to go, even if thats through the deepest waters. I anticipate returning to school, spending time with my students, working with the children Im entrusted to, new classes with new things to learn and possibility of new relationships as well as continuing the old. I want to enjoy the few days I have left here. I need to push past laziness and other distractions and stay in the word as well.

Goodbye dear friend goodbye
perhaps again we shall meet,
but not in the same discourse,
old friend, as it goes
"I bid thee farewell"
no longer more we shall meet as friends,
but as mere fellows who respect one another well
I will not forget the past or throw away what once was
but the future does not behold the same
I shake your hand and congratulate your gain,
I nod my head in approval.
forgiveness is at hand,
but I fear reconciliation may not be so.
I ask you leave me be,
Let us go our separate ways.
Your always welcome at my door,
but change will remain as is
Thank you for all you've done,
I truly mean all,
But now I part on good terms,
Goodbye is all.

"Let me go get your trouble can!"

Did you know dogs could be trained with cans of coins rattling? They hate the noise. My sister now punishes our new dog with this...interesting

Home free finally. Unfortunately, I have a cold, which made for an awesome southwest flight. Mental health day is today. yes, yes it is. Sleep was great last night, in addition to seeing my family. Im still working on Seminary applications and my resume. In one week, I've turned in 60+ pages of work...in one week. Ive been in the "zone" for a month now. Im finally free! Ive turned in over 30 papers this semester. no quizzes and one objective test. so strange. But its over!

One more semester of college left. It feels so strange. Job hunting, seminary searching..weird. real life starts in June. I'm only home for almost two weeks, then I head home to work. Its weird to call Chicago home, but I do live an apartment. And I do have a job. Somewhat established life? This semester has been tough, but I survived. As usual, Im learning from it. Hard lessons, but yea, its life.

Can anyone explain intuition to me? Mine's outta control lately..its kinda weird.

Oh, the sinus meds are getting to me. I am done. done. I can't say it enough. done. ha ha. done done done done done!


"Well she wants to live her life
And she thinks about her life
Pulls her hair back and she screams,
"I don't really want to live this life!"

She only drinks coffee at midnight
When the moment is not right
Her timing is quite
Unusual

You see, her confidence is tragic
And her intuition magic"

Rollercoaster

So this week is full ups and downs. Dontcha love it when you have to face reality? meh.

I think some reality is just plain crummy, but some is incredibly painful. I hate admitting things, but I know its good for me. How open am I going to be on here? I'll surface it, because I know there are readers out there who struggle with this, so here goes. Loneliness and rejection. Yes. Two things I hide from, avoid, run way ect..However, they exists and I am finally mustering up the courage to face these two. By nature, I typically have trouble crying. I will make the statement " I want to cry" and believe me, the desire is there but a tear may trickle...Finally I prayed the other night and wrote it out. Confessing before the Lord was not easy and the waterworks came out. I love when I do cry. Most days my emotions run deep, but not external. Im grateful in a sense, because I wont just cry anywhere and I can keep my cool. It usually takes alot to stir me. But a few nights ago it all came out. Oh, it hurt, and I literally prayed for Jesus to hold me. Finding comfort in talking to Him, confessing, stripping away pride, never fun but necessary. How else will the healing begin? I also had to write this paper about my life this week for mentoring women class, and that thing just stunk. It took way longer than I expected and was emotionally draining. This has been an unusually emotional week for me. I went to small group tonight and I am always encouraged by those people. I love my church. I am very grateful for a body of believers who care for one another and love the word. This church has such high standards and solid doctrine. I feel blessed. Oh, confessing is not fun, but thats why God gave us each other.

I've written some poetry this week, but thats not for publishing. yet. But in honor of poetry and the gift of laughter, I wlll post the Poem I wrote at 2 AM while on internship one night. Annie typed it in her phone, and we did read this aloud in our health class. So here it is..enjoy!

Dr. Suess on Celiac Sprue
Oh sprue
What did you do?
You damaged my nerves
You messed up my curves!
Don't eat the bread.
It'll mess up your head!
Down with the wheat
An enemy to defeat.
Gotta stay away from dairy
Because it's just so scary.
So many foods my body rejects
Now all edibles must be select.
The bread upon the shelf
Makes my body attack itself.
Going to the store is like a game
Sometimes I nearly go insane!
I inspect each and every label
Wary of foods to set upon the table.
Of each meal prepared I must beware
Oh patients of celiac, if you dare:
Eat the gluten
And you'll be poopin'.
Eat some bread
And you'll be dead!

Contextualize..

Missions conference. Last year I was stressing out over searching for an internship. This year, I search for answers to difficult questions that most people would not think to ask. Postmodernism has creeped its way into missions, slowly morphing the minds of those who have passionate hearts and pure intentions, but lacking in absolute truth. Can you tell me the gospel? How do you present that to a religious system which intertwines culture and religion together so tightly? How can you reach the hardest of hearts, who understand nothing but shame and honor? What if they don't believe in sin? What god do they worship? ? Is he the same as YHWH? How far is too far in contextualization? Who is Jesus?

Many of these answers were unknown. These people question themselves.

Not all roads lead to heaven. We wish, we dream, we desire this..but its not reality. The road is narrow..

Deception. Heresy. Harsh? Yes, maybe so.

I am appalled, disgusted and angry at what I am discovering.

I say "How dare you."

What may seem ideal, is it truth?

Know you Bible. Know the Word. Be in it. Pray for discernment. Pray for wisdom.

May the Lord have mercy on us.

On the day of judgement may my hands remain clean of their blood.

Many call on the name of the Lord, but do not truly know Him.

This has to stop. The Gospel must be preserved. Must. Absolutely must.

"Take off your theology hats and put on your missions hat"....Really? What is missions without theology? What is one without the other? A symbiotic relationship that cannot be separated.

Who is with me?

Book Review: The legacy of Sovereign Joy-John Piper

Let me begin by declaring my love for biographies. I highly enjoy reading about the lives and History of others. I am a history geek. In fact, I have enough college credits in history to minor in it, if I attended a secular university. It wasn't necessarily by choice, but it just happened. I enjoy reading about the accounts from the past. I find it fascinating to learn about how people, religion, politics and culture got where they are today.

Anyway, book.

John Piper is one of my favorite authors, and theologians. I enjoy listening to his sermons when given the chance, and have had the opportunity to see him speak once. He does an excellent job of applying theology to life. His writing style also has an emotional flare to it, which I highly relate to. This book " The legacy of Sovereign Joy", has brief biographies of Augustine, Luther and Calvin. Piper begins with the common theme of grace in the lives of these church fathers, and begins with their flaws. They are human, and like the rest of us, were sinners saved by grace. Augustine was once a addicted to sex, Luther had the mouth of a sailor, and Calvin approved the murder of a heretic. However, the work of God in all their lives is sovereign grace over sin abounding. Each of these men realized that God's grace and mercy is what saved them, and only He alone can grip, and change the heart of man. They find joy in God's saving grace, and strived to reform the church, and glorify God by studying the scriptures with a passion, and zeal to bring the truth of God to the church and glorify God alone. Of course, each man had his own flaws, each one suffered persecution and fought against the idea of man's free will to choose God, Pelagian philosophy. The battle between the authority of the church a tradition, and God's Holy word alone.

There is much to be learned from their lives, and one day I would like to read full biographies on these men. Augustine emphasized f
inding delight in God, and God alone. "Our hearts will not rest until they rest in you"-as quoted by Augustine, ( and I recall this quote from my Christianity and Western culture I class) "Loving God is being so satisfied in God and so delighted in all that He is for us that His commandments are not burdensome" (Piper 58). "Grace governs life by giving a supreme joy in the supremacy of God" (Piper 61). Luther's focus on studying the scriptures and applying them remind me of the importance they are as authority in our lives. Also, the necessit of praying and asking God for wisdom before studying His word. " You should completely despair of your own sense and reason, for by these you will not attain the goal...Rather kneel down in your private little room and with sincere humility and earnestness pray to God, through His dear Son, graciously to grant you His Holy Spirit to enlighten and guide you and give you understanding" (Ibid., vol. 3, p. 1359). Calvin shared the importance of expository preaching and biblical orthodoxy as well as God's supremacy He wanted nothing more than God to be glorified and for others to see God's truth.
It is encouraging, and such a wonderful reminder to me that God uses all saved sinners for His purposes. Despite my flaws, I am still chosen by God to bring Him glory and be used to further His kingdom. A lesson in true humility. Do not give up or try and earn back you favor with God, yet let God's grace abound and triumph over your sin, and praise Him for His power to forgive continuously.

'God has a great work for everyone to do. Do it with all your might-yes, and even with all your flaws and all your sins. And in the obedience of this faith, magnify the glory of His grace, and do not grow weary in doing good" (Piper 145).


Also, some other books I have read this summer/reading:
"Saved by Grace"-Anthony A. Hoekema : Very in-depth explanation of Salvation. It is a heavy read, so it is taking me time to work through. It is very good in its explanation of Salvation. I am still reading it currently, but recommend it thus far.

"Augustine's confessions"-Augustine: Still reading this as well, going through bits at a time, but its is very thought provoking, and written in the form of a prayer. I highly enjoy this so far. Good lessons on Humility and the life of Augustine.

"The Crescent through the eyes of the Cross:Insights from an Arab Christian"-Dr.Nabeel T. Jabbour: This book advocates the insider movement and explains much of the philosophy and thinking behind this movement. Poor hermeneutics, and mis-interpreting of scripture. I encourage Christians, especially those going into Muslim ministry, to read this book. You need to know what is out there. Read this with your bible, and check the scriptures referenced. I have already handwritten my book review on this, Perhaps I'll put it on here soon.

"The truth about " A Common word""-Sam Solomon and Al-Maqdisi. PLEASE read this. I have the actual book itself but you can read it on PDF here: http://www.answering-islam.org/fileadmin/authors/solomon/truth_about_common_word.pdf
It exposes the common word document, and after reading the Koran myself in context, it explains the basis of the "Insider movement" and "Common Ground". This is written by a former Imam, an ex-muslim. Deception is out there, and I have witnessed its reality and its presentation of a false gospel. The Insider movement and Common Ground cause nothing but deception, and is founded upon this document. How many Christians and Muslims alike are being deceived? In due time, I will write about my experiences with this.

I feel strange

Texas is hot.

Its also busy. Why am I awake?

Anyway, one week left until I leave for Moody, my new apartment, and my amazing roommates, my job,and my senior year. Weird. So weird. I have been having reflecting some on my last year. I want to attend seminary, but at this point I am having to put that on hold, and work up to it. I can't get the idea of finding a real job out of my head. Life without school? super weird. However, I am equally excited about the idea finding a "real job", but will be more excited when I find out when I have that "real job" This weekend begins the construction of my resume and such. Yes, its early, but I am one of those who jump starts all the time when it comes to jobs. It does not guarantee me anything, but I will try. My desire is to stay in Chicago,or the surrounding suburbs, but we will see what God has in store. Either way, I want to start looking.

As far as moody goes, I will be more than ready to graduate, but will miss Moody and my companions more than anything. I am truly blessed with such a community of friends there. There are so many classes I want to take but can't, many moments I want to hold on to, but can't. I am making it a goal of mine to cherish this last year, and take every opportunity I can to invest. I also want to cherish my job(s). I won't be returning to daystar this fall, due to my schedule, and I am incredibly sad about this. I will miss those kids. But I still have Ian. I get to see him in less than two weeks! Goodness, I miss that kid. Im also filling in for another family on occasion that I was connected with during summer school. My job, working this little people, has been a great experience. Its never something I would have chosen to do from pure want, but I have learned so much from it, and grown. Who knows, maybe Ill teach children's ESL?

Oh, did I mention I my sweet friend, and former RA Ashley is now married? Yes, it was beautiful. Ashley has helped shape my life in more ways than she knows. My dear friend Christi is getting married next week, and I am trying to figure out if I can get there. She is a saint. Her wedding was originally planned for three weeks from now, but the U.S military is asking for her fiancee sooner than planned. True love, to move up your wedding, without complaints. Christi has been a huge influence on my life, in so many ways. So many..

Both of my roommates are in engaged now! Dawn just recently got engaged, and Faith has been since April. Both have wonderful Fiancees' and I am very excited about rooming with them! Faith and Josh are wonderful beyond words. Let me be a little sentimental here..Faith and I are like sisters now, and I get chocked up thinking about the two of them finally being able to marry. They have raised the bar for all couples and have been such a great example for me and others. Dawn, has the sweetest man, and the two of them compliment each other so well. Dawn has been a true friend to me in so many ways, including sleeping on a hospital windowsill with me overnight. Goodness, I can't wait to share life with these girls next year. I only wish we had done this sooner!! meh!

Ok, enough rambling. Its way late, and I still have an urge to read. Typing up LP's all day is daunting, and what a better way to unwind than an episode of boy meets word, friends, and a biography on John Calvin. Book reviews to come soon.

Speechless.

It has been quite sometime since I updated. There is a very valid reason for this, actually a few. First premise, I am on internship and very busy. Second Premise, this internship cannot be describe, literally, not now. Conclusion: I can't write about it. Ok ,this is proably more of an inductive arguement rather than deductive, but the conclusion is more, I can write now, but still not about internship.

My philosphical brain side has emerged.If only it did that when I was in that class..

Well, some internship details will come later. I am tired,and I am inspired to write for whatever reason. I can tell you about the good things regarding my internship. (Note: I purposfully have not written in my internship blog, because I really don't know what to say there without being to surface level. That ain't my style)

ESL classes are so fun. I have to admit, 3.5 hours of it is really long, for me and my students. I teach a beginner class of 11 women from Yemen. THey are so great. Some are moms, some are young adults. THese women are so wonderful. THey learn fast, and handle well. One student, (one of the moms) does not fit the mold. She cracks jokes in class, plays with her veil, and prouldy shows off her Christmas socks she wears daily. It cracks me up. Her sarcasm level is also high, which I find highly amusing. I am also learning Arabic from them, and they love it. I love connecting with them. They also teach us Arabic dances and share their amazing food with us. I will never be able to buy hummus from a store again after this..

I only have two weeks left. Two week of English, and two weeks to show them Jesus. Thats all on that for now.

This summer has changed my life. Dramatically. I have new plans, new dreams, new goals, and have never been more passionate about the gospel in my life. Reasons will come later. I want badly to go to seminary. I want to study Apologetics, Theology and counseling. I want to be all three of these things. I want to continue ministering to Muslims, as well as build up the body of Christ. I want to further study Islam and Judaism. I am not sure where the future is headed, other than I know that I have one more year left at Moody. That is my current calling.

Also, thanks for all the prayers and encouragement for those who have been praying/calling/emailing/texting..ect..
I have never desired it or needed it more.
Oh, two more weeks. Bittersweet.Very. (I use that word alot)

Re-united and it feels so good..

My computer is back! The power cord died..but I now have a new one.

One week until Internship. Summer school and work have been crazy busy, but time has flown by! I can't believe how quickly the last few have gone by. I love my summer school class though, (not the workload). I love Theology. I wish I was a theology major. It also helps philosophy make sense. Now everything is connecting..but I really do enjoy learning about God. There will always be more to learn. Grudem even discusses in His introduction that we are to study theology with humility. We will never know everything, even if think we do. Pride comes before the fall..

I can feel a change in my heart. Change is good, even if it seem strange at first. I have been attempting to slowly process things, examining my heart and bringing it before the Lord. Sin is ugly. I am thankful that God is immutable (one of my sys. theo terms!) meaning He never changes, even though I feel like I am in a constant state of emotional, and mental change. I feel so unstable sometimes. Even my body is undergoing change right now..it feels strange. Despite the physical change I am undergoing, I want my heat to continue to change and grow to become more like His, which will only happen if I stay close in my walk with Him. I long to draw to Him, and its only by His grace I am drawn.

I like my Sys. theo text book alot too. I really like it.

To be honest, I am not feeling that great at the moment, so I am just going to jot down a few thoughts.

the sunset was beautiful tonight. I watched if from the window, and it reminded me of how God displays His glory by such aesthetic means. Psalm 19:1

I love Sys. Theo. and The professor is hilarious and insightful. Yes, my roomates and I decided we will have him over for tea next fall. Along with other profs..I am such a nerd, but I fully embrace that part of me.

Internship in one week. I am excited. slightly nervous, but I am ready.

My support has almost fully come in. God's hand has been in that completely. I owe Him more praise and thanksgiving than I have been giving Him.

I am liking this time of healing.

I will miss my church this summer.

I am homesick for the first time in a while.

I am learning so much. Especially in the area of self-discipline.

Good bonding time with one of my future roommates.

I really miss my other roommate, Faith. So good to talk to her last night.

I am listening to all kinds of weird music, and am obsessed with grooveshark these days.

I will soon get to the bottom of my health, hopefully

I am learning to enjoy life in the moment.

I will miss my jobs this summer. Last days this week. Bittersweet.

I am now a senior. in college. weird.

Ghostbuters just came on my playlist..haha.

Bittersweet.

Ah, I can honestly say, I am glad this chapter of life will soon end in two weeks. I suppose if you think of the semester ending as a chapter.

I do.

Normally, I do not want put a time table on seasons and chapters in my life, but as a college student, I think its legit.

The month of April has brought many showers..many I never wanted. Tension in relationships, failing health beyond any I have ever experienced before bringing about weakness and the need for help in many ways, a broken heart, none of these things which I wanted. Of course, who does? I ask for humility, and I truly mean it. I have questioned myself, is this really what I desire? However, it has been kindly pointed out to me, that I view humility in terms of legalism. Grace covers all. Nothing I can do will earn me favor in God's sight. Humility is to become more like His character and continue sanctification, but not to earn God's mercy. Christ already paid that price on the cross. How could I have been so blind to this truth?

Learning still, to process my emotions. To stop thinking so much, and start feeling. True honesty, pains the heart, but it is necessary.

I want this season to end. I was thinking tonight, I only have two weeks left. Everything will change. My living arrangements, my friends leave for the summer, classes end, summer school, more work, then internship. What a sense of relief I feel, looking forward to the summer. I do not know what it will bring, but I anticipate the turning of the page. I will look back, a month from now perhaps, and reflect on all I am learning in this moment. Hard lessons. However, I desire to grow. I desire to serve the church. I desire to be more like Him.

Psalm 139.

Stop running. Stop avoiding. It takes courage to face the truth.

Let love in. Let others serve me. We were made to serve each other.

Tomorrow is a new day. Literally, I am thankful for each breath given to me. Tonight, I wrote out a list of all I am thankful for. I didn't finish it yet, but I hope to soon. Ive wanted to make that list for awhile.

Mercies are new each morning. When I wake. "A new day is here, a new day to rejoice and be glad in. To be celebrated. To glorify God in. To be thankful for."

"Hallelujah, all I have is Christ"

Broken Eggs.

Once again, in Joes. This is my new thing I guess. This time I'm with people though.

Working on it:)

I am seeing change in my heart, its so painful, but if my desire is to really be like Christ, then I need to keep asking for humility, whatever the cost.

EDIT****

So I did not realize this post published. It was definitely not finished. I was interrupted by a friend, (which is a good thing) and I guess I hit publish instead of Save.

Well, Today begins a new journey. I am pretty ok with that.

Grace. Big picture. It covers everything. Even our obedience. I didn't realize how much I still struggle with the concept..

Corners.

I find myself again, in the school's coffee shop, writing a blog, tired of my homework. I have been people watching, and again, I feel so invisible at times, it can be a good and bad things. I feel like people perceive me as unapproachable at times, tired eyes, head in hands, headphones in. However, there are times where I think people just do not understand what the headphones mean. For example, when I am cooking, and my ipod is on, that says, "Do not disturb". But then, perhaps my moods can vary. At times, I do not mind the interruption, but other times I feel greatly annoyed.

Soap box. sorry.


I sometimes ask myself, perhaps daily, why do I continue to pray for humility? Humility hurts, it is painful, it is a process that I do not enjoy. However, I am called to be humble, and it is a process I need to undergo. I can honestly say my heart wishes to raise its complaints, and hold itself high. " I never asked for this!" "Ah, but dear heart, you are called to it, and unless I stand corrected, I do believe you did ask, therefore, you needn't complain. Your pride causes you to fall, the pit of complaining, the trap of self-pity, so easily entangle you. But take heart! Lift up your weary self. You are called to a greater hope, an eternal hope. Perseverance awaits you. Take hold of it, you will be delivered in time. "

I sit here in this corner, with a mind flooded with thoughts, thoughts that don't fully connect. yesterday, I was faced with another challenge, another reality to "grieve". This morning I asked the question "What does godly grieving look like?" The answered I received was not a step-by-step process. Acceptance, knowing that its not right, but it is. Crying out to God. Hoping in heaven. What a hope. I heard the testimony of an inspiring couple last night, from their mouths. I have never cried in a class before, like that. The suffering they endured, and the glory they gave to God. They gave a detail of their emotions.Questioning God, anger, grief, physical pain, loneliness..however they trusted. God's providence, they continued to mention over and over again. His sovereignty, His will, His wanting us to be more like Him. The process He wants us to undergo, to become like Him. I will have to look through my notes,I took so many. I have been so emotional lately. My flesh fights, but I find myself in this new reality, the reality of my desperate need for God. The want to become like Him fights against the want to give in.

Joy. I want that to be my theme. I have written much about it before, but I mean every piece. A joy only found in Christ.

"My failing heart, my failing flesh,
I cry out " I did not ask for this! Never!"
I wanted to be more like you,
The picture in my head was nothing such as this,
It was suppose to be joyful, pleasurable, simple, and cookie-cutter,
but my dreams have shattered,
I endure suffering, and sorrow fill my days,
I am an enemy of my own self,
This road, does it end?
This process, does it stop?
I hold onto, the speck of hope, the tiny glimpse,
praying that my heart would change,
to become like yours,
Is that what this is?"

Scattered thoughts, mixed with wanderings of the heart and questons in my head

Where is the line drawn between honesty and vulnerability?
I Open my heart, take a stab,
learn to love, come and go as you please? Since when did this become fair,
Harden my heart, bitterness and anger,
but wait, love and forgiveness, run to the One who loves at all times,
Be my refuge, I choose to reach out,
Rid the calloused heart of stone, make it a heart of flesh again,
Learn to love, even though transparency pains,
Deep wounds, mistakes made, yet surrender comes, each care cast,
tears fall, but each is counted, and stored.
Joy in the morning, redemption comes, mercies made new,
Self-control to stop dwelling on the past,
Sinners saved by grace,
We are called to love one another,
people will fail, but there is one who never does,
No Ivory tower exists, no corner alone,
Try again, many chances your given,
Failures come in this race,
But love is demanded, no small thing to be disposed of,
Just reach out, to the Author of it all,
Then I'll try again to reach out to you.

To stop the flow of the paper I should be writing..

I can't seem to stay focused on this paper anymore, its late, and I should be asleep. Writing a paper on something you don't completely agree with can be difficult..but I get on these random "kicks" and its not too bad. My head is full, along with my heart today. Questions keep getting raised in my mind, and I should probably be writing them all down. I found out some very disappointing news yesterday regarding my student teaching. The organization I teach at lost their funding and tomorrow night is the last class. I was really enjoying it, and now, its all coming to an end, halfway through the semester. I am still in shock and attempting to process it.

Another thing, on this paper, on suffering, I am being reminding of how insignificant my trials can seem in comparison to what Christ went through. Here's a little section of my paper: "Emotional suffering can at times feel even more overwhelming than physical suffering. Emotional suffering can be tremendously great for some. To know that in the Garden, he prayed so intensely for the cup to pass from Him, that He sweat drops of blood onto the ground. Yancey states it this way “At one point he fell facedown on the ground and prayed for some way, any way, out. His sweat fell to the ground in large drops, like blood” (Yancey 130). How great His mental and emotional suffering must have been! Even though Jesus prayed with great intensity, God still chose to have His son crucified on a cross. We can look at this example amidst our own emotional pain, and know that Jesus was at that point before us. When bringing things to a more personal level, I realize that I do not have to face the emotional stress of knowing that I will be crucified for all mankind, even though I know that I am the only person undeserving of such a suffering and punishment.
Emotional suffering can be great, but there is also physical suffering in this world. Yancey transitions from the emotional suffering of Christ in the garden to the physical suffering on the cross. Christ asking His Father why He had been forsaken, and to read the scripture and know the torture He endured should be more than sufficient to bring a man to his knees. "

How true, and how quick I am to forget. However, I am comforted in knowing that God does care about my trifle situations.

This morning I had breakfast with a professor, who gave me more wise advice on life. Mainly relationships. I really don't know how to handle things at times. I run away, I still get overwhelmed when I feel confused or let down. I sit here in this coffee shop, I watched as my friend gathered from afar, and my loneliness once again caught up to me. I hide away so easily. I fear rejection still. Where is the line between vulnerability and trust drawn? I am still trying to figure that one out. .However, I will choose, rather than wallow in my own self-pity and loneliness, to cast my cares upon the Lord and seek refuge in the one who loves unconditionally, no matter how much I run.

Good day though. Breakfast with my favorite professor, met with my amazing mentor, and walked to the lake and watched the sunset with a friend. Its amazing what happens when you let yourself love and open up to others..

O love, that will not let me go..

Spring break.

Only a few hours from being asleep to begin new week of classes. I am currently putting off a paper by blogging, and reading up on the new health care reform that seems to be taking place. Spring break, you are now but a memory. It slipped through my hands, very quickly. Time is fleeting these days. Here is a brief re-cap of spring break, in so many words.

-Working, doubling my hours, with 3 jobs. Yes. I really enjoyed working, and wish I did that without the school every week.
-Going to Christi's house and being her family in the Michigan countryside for a weekend, and being introduced to gluten-free strawberry shortcake and soy free hazelnut almond milk.
-Printing out tangible pictures from walgreens.
-Being told that some of that almond milk is headed my way tonight :)
-I enjoyed being a receptionist for two weeks.
-My four year-olds are hilarious. I love their creativity, curiosity and child-like innocence.
-one of my kids, Oscar, singing a different song randomly, almost everyday like no one is watching, not a care in the world, ignoring the comments of others, and frankly, its inspiring.
-Another kid, Danielle, and her grasping of who Christ is, expressed by her imagination and stories she comes up with.
-Watching 3 year-old Ian. Its been over one year now. How cool is that? He's grown so much, and I was very proud of him at the park the other day, yea I can brag.
-Getting into running again, even though its hurts my kneed and pretty much every joint in the lower half of my body. I am back to two miles already.yeaaa..
-The warm sunny weather. 60s and 70s mostly. rock on Chicago.
-Roommate date night. Faith and I saw a movie together, a chick-flick, and bought snacks from walgreens. I haven't seen a movie in a theater since Harry Potter, and Faith and I never get to hangout like that. Best night.
-Hair-dying party with Faith and Dawn. We all dyed our hair for fun. And stayed up late.
-Mega-feast.
-Getting to watch a movie and TV. whoa. and I did it alone.
-Time alone, reflecting, learning about myself and learning what and how to change.
-A friend's visit in town.
-Re-connecting with an old friend
-movie night at the "dog place", sparkling pomegranate juice and gluten free brownies with chocolate chips included. And extra-entertainment provided by John and Dawn.
-did I mention time alone?
-watching the sunset tonight.
-Laughing at my dyslexia, right now.

The only really negative thing was my student teaching DVD messing up. I am not sure what I am going to do about that..But if that's the only negative thing, I have it pretty good.


I wish briefly share my devotional experience on here. I have been needing to work on taming my tongue. My sarcasm is too much, my speech is careless, I am not encouraging enough if at all, I am too "flattering" sometimes, I use poor choices in my words, my tone can be to negative, I don't think before the words come out, I gossip and slander, My conversations are not always wise and I really need to just tame this tongue of mine. Its getting outta control.

One verse in particular that stuck out to me was Proverbs 10: 32, " The lips of the righteous KNOW what is acceptable, but the mouth of the wicked what is perverse."
James 3:9-10 stuck out to me also, " ..With it, we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people made in the likeness of God.From the same mouth come blessing and cursing, my brothers this should not be"

Clearly, if I am righteous, I should know what to say according to this verse. So I know better, no excuse. I have been praying and studying and practicing my speech. With my peers now back at school, the real test begins. Will I be able to hold my tongue and know when to not say something? The discipline of silence? Not participating in gossip as well as stopping it? Word choice? Will I offend someone? Can my sarcasm stop? Will my tone be positive? Can I encourage my friends? Can I speak the truth in love? Can I stop cursing man made in God's image? Can I stop complaining?

Words are powerful. The book of James says the tongue is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. Yikes. This will not be easy, but necessary. Very. If I want to be worthy of God' calling on my life as believer, my words reflect my character and what is in my heart. Its time to change some things.

Tomorrow, I wish would hold off a little longer, I am not ready for it in many ways, but I can't stop it from coming. Its been a good two weeks. Only 10 more to go...

Meh, there I go complaining again. Must. stop.

Must..write..my mind needs to relieve itself..(what a classy title.)

Its late. My roommate is still out. We've been apart for 4 days. I am waiting up like an over-protective parent, but its more like "Gah! I haven't seen you in four days, I need to talk to you!" As if much has changed, but Faith and I, we're tight. This is how we are. We can't handle separation easily, and its getting worse. I am pretty stoke about moving into an apartment with her and my awesome friend Dawn next year. As Dawn would put it "Its going to be the bomb-diggity!"

Well, today my train decided to arrive an hour late in Lansing, therefore putting me an hour late into Chicago, therefore making me rush to work and to teach. I came home, heated up some rice noodle soup, and caught up on the office. Ok, fun is over, I really have responsibility. Seriously, I need to buckle down. This week I work 3 jobs, 21 hours, next week, four around 32. Thankfully one is on campus. I am so grateful to be able to make more money than anticipated. God does provide. I have laundry, emails to reply to, errands to run, the list goes on, topped off with cooking and homework. Being an adult has its downs..however I would not trade it for a thing. This weekend really made me think. I loved being around a big family. I go back to the previous post. Big, godly families rock. (I can tell I am past my bedtime, due to the jargon I am using in this post Rock? really? Can I not come up with more sophisticated, or better yet, "adult" adjectives?) My views on marriage have also slowly been altered within the past few months and this weekend helped a lot as well. I like the new views, maybe I'll share my opinions at a later time, perhaps to conclude everything I learn over spring break. I am at one of those points in my life where yet again, half of what I thought I was right about, I am again proved wrong.

Well, I should stop writing now. Before something else slips onto this post..

Greetings from M!ch!gan!

I love this. I could get used to this. A quiet coffee shop in the country.

I haven't accomplished all the homework I came with, but thats ok. I've been blogging, and spent 30 minutes just working on the computer itself. Its so nice to be out of the city. I conclude from what I've seen, that Michigan is a pretty state, with really pretty trees. Im glad because Ill be living here for 2 months.

This morning during my quiet time, the Psalm I read talked about taming the tongue. I have decided to study my tongue over break and change some habits. I wrote down some goals for break that I hope to accomplish, besides homework and internship things, its all character building. I need to change in so many ways as far as my character is concerned. I've allowed myself to become a manipulative, emotional wreck. One year ago I was a stoic, unemotional, stone heart who refused to let anyone in. What a contrast. I am glad to be away from mass amounts of people for two weeks, enjoying Chicago and working without classes or again, mass amounts of people at school. I need to heal. Two weeks is a good amount of time. I hope to discover some guidance, and direction concerning my life. I want to be used by the Lord and willing to surrender my wants.

For lunch, Christi is taking me to get gluten free pizza. I am so excited. I never eat pizza anymore. I am already liking her family alot. Seriously, they all are so welcoming, and open. I have not experienced this in such a long time. Where even the children are polite and loving towards one another and outsiders. What an example. Ah, this is going to be a great weekend. Monday morning sadly, will arrive before it is wanted. But I shall enjoy this while I can :)

I Just showed up, for my own life. Or maybe just returned to it..

Wow. The roller coaster of this semester is twisting and turning way too quickly, and way too much. Its slowing down. I still have tons on my plate, but let me just describe to you, how God is.

Humility is a bold thing to pray for. I got it. In a hard way. I learned a tough lesson this week. I cried. Multiple times. For multiple reasons. One main lesson though: I was dead wrong. I learned to give something over to the Lord, in which I did, which was scary and bold, and the answer I received was the fear I dreaded. However, God is gracious. He showed me mercy and kindness undeserved once again.

Today, I cried tears of relief and joy. I finally saw beauty again. Beauty within pain, joy in pain, and most importantly God. I love how He loves me. I love how He created me. I am glad He made me to enjoy aesthetically pleasing things. I used to love sunrises and sunsets and simple things like green grass. I have allowed myself to become distracted and forgotten these simple yet amazing gifts. Every new day given, oh such a blessing. I cried tears of joy this morning, after literally living out Psalm 30: 5 "Weeping my tarry for the night but joy comes in the morning" Literally, its did. The pain is gone, the confusion fading away, God has taught me much in a period of one week. Looking back, more like a month, I just didn't see it.

I feel like a new person. For real. God has renewed that steadfast spirit within me that is mentioned in Psalm 51:10. At the church I've been attended recently, Psalm 23 was preached in such as new way this past way. The Lord is my Shepard, who knows my needs before I do. He has provided all I need thus far, why be in want?

Sunsets, sonnets, brave &loving friends(who tell you how it is), godly wisdom, a new start, a good new friend, restoration, the list continues.

I really want to play the piano again, and write a song.

I love my student teaching.

I have a wonderful friend,Christi, who has helped me through a difficult issue, and was brave to tell me the truth, even though it hurt. I love this girl and I am beyond grateful for her.

I got to hug the kids at work again today.

I love being a emotional, melancholy, introvert and want to fully embrace who God made me.

I miss being artsy, poetic, and musical. I love that God put these desires in my heart and allows me to use them.

God's love is constant, and He reveals it to me in so many new ways, even in my mistakes.

Spring break is almost here. I look forward to rest and more growth.

I deleted my facebook, rather impulsively but it was needed and I love my new computer screen background, fresh dew on morning grass.

That is all.

How is it already February 9th? Someone please tell me...how..

Time is fleeting. Slipping through my fingertips. Quickly. I am unwinding, finding time to write in here, and then in my journal. (The good juicy stuff I know you want to read..er, maybe... ha.)

I am praying for a snow day tomorrow. I know, I should be used to snow, but its supposed to get pretty intense. I could use another free day. I have so much work. I've been at it for a few hours, and I am already done in. My workload is scary. Looking at my planner freaks me out. But yet, I remain calm. Last week during founders week I was challenged to rise early in the morning and spend time with the Lord. Something I should have been doing. So, even if I am dragging, I still go at it. I love it. Currently there are many distractions in my life, some even beyond the typical stresses of school and work. Even some "good" distractions. I have also visited a new church, which I really like. But I need to keep seeking the Lord through this, even if I don't like this process, I need to be wise. No impulsive actions here. Its so different searching for a church based on opportunities to serve rather than self-serve. A new perspective. Of course, doctrine is of most high importance, but rather than me looking for what I want(music, socially ect.), this time I am looking to serve the body. *Thank you again Professor, for such wise advice.* I miss being apart of the church. And by not being, I am sinning. Selfishly.

Well a brief summary of what I am learning, and what's going on inside my head and heart..bullet point style..( and for times sake I apologize for the lack of scripture I should insert here)
-To be a better listener still. Stop talking about myself, and listen. Don't jump to give advice, listen. Don't insert your own story/opinion, listen. Be the ear, be the shoulder, be the friend.
-Patience. I work with children. I am in a 3 major waiting process that could potentially change my life, (well two could). Waiting is so hard. It really is. I haven't had to wait on "big things" in such a long time. But I am being called to do so. The temptation to act on my own will and impulses are there, but daily I pray for patience, wisdom and discernment.
-Being Intentional. Breakfast dates,Tuesday meals, Wed. lunches and Friday lunches/evenings are dedicated to nothing but people. Its the easiest way for me to meet up with people, I mean we all gotta eat! I may have to schedule it in, but its in. Asking someone to breakfast, sitting with my friends with my home-cooked meals when I don't have to be in the SDR, it takes effort, but its so worth it. I love people, I love friends, and I want more of it.
-Character building. Picking an attribute of Christ to focus on, and watching myself throughout the day.
-Reflecting. Learning to feel. To express my emotions in a healthy way. Knowing oneself is the first way to understanding others. Reflecting on how I feel is so healthy and helpful.
-Relationships. To quote my wise friend "Relationships go to heaven, homework doesn't"-Julie Kresge (Thanks Julie!) I am free from the bonds of grade perfection. WHO cares. I am not saying don't try, but don't strive. If getting an A is more important that a friend, I must say your priorities aren't in line. I know we should do our best, but I think that your best consists of an un-stressful strive. Don't beat yourself up if you didn't get that A. If you learn, thats what counts. Back to relationships, Making time for people, thats what matters.
-Learning to be a godly woman through the help of some wonderful guys. I have never really had close, godly guy friends that have really cared. There are two in particular God has placed in my life who have taught me so much. I wont' give names or details as not to embarrass them, but they are wonderful. Truly brothers in Christ. They have told me hard truths about letting guys lead, letting them serve, letting them fulfill their calling to be men, by serving and protecting the women in their lives. Who says those things?! They encourage me to let down my pride and be served by them. Letting men do things for me that I feel I am capable of myself, is humbling and trying. Letting them lead isn't an easy thing. They are so patient with me and continue to pour biblical truth into my life and share the words my ears do not wish to hear. Even when I argue, and fight it, they still wait and correct me out of love. I am learning to "be a woman" if you will and let them be men. This is so new to me, but I am learning a lot from this.
-Be an example. Watch my speech. How do I say things? What do I say? Is it wise? Will it encourage and build up others? How are my actions? Ah..so much

Well my messy clutter of a bed is calling to me. My room is a chaotic mess at the moment, but I am excited for the next day, whatever it holds.

"The joy of the Lord's salvation is my strength"

Selfish girl.

Haiti.

Why?

I am so selfish sometimes. Sometimes is likely an understatement. I have heard so many heartbreaking prayer requests this week. Losing your mom to cancer, your dad a former minister involved in affair trying to divorce your mom, Haiti, not having source of income..and sometimes all I can think about is time management,what's for dinner, and ponder about a stupid boy..

I don't deserve anything I have. I take too much for granted. Something will come up, my health issues will flare up, I'll have a crazy homework assignment, whatever. Then I'll be begging God for His help once again. There is much truth to the line "I need Thee every hour". "Every" meaning times of joy and sorrow. All the time. I complain way too much. I whine, I think about myself more often than I should. I need to invite my neighbor over for tea, ask my students about THEIR lives, look for that lonely soul and listen, pray for an opportunity to give and serve. I know what I should do, why can't I release my sin nature and just be obedient?

You say let go, I say hold on, You say now, I say wait, you say try, I say give up, You say now, I say never, You say yes, I say no..

I am missing out on what I am called to do.

Cloud 9. or maybe its a dream. Perhaps this could be real..

This week. Will be forever remembered. I have no words that can fully express my joy and gratitude to the Lord and his faithful servants. All in one week, all the details of my life worked out. I now have a second job which I applied for on monday,PCM**, a test taken, groceries bought, a third side-job, money from a family member, and a scholarship. Its seriously almost too much. I really can't express myself. All of the anxiety that came with last semester, every worry and fear taken away withing seven days. Unreal. Just unreal. God is providing everything. All my prayers, not wasted nor my tears and pain that was felt. Waiting on the Lord is never an easy assignment, but God is faithful. Beyond our imagination..




Suffering never seemed an easy road,
A path I wouldn't choose to follow,
but you called me down,
and there were no means of escape.
Frantically I searched for a way out,
getting lost along the way,
facing all fear, pain,rejection, and defeat,

I found myself asking the familiar question of why, and you answered,

No prayer in vain, not a single tear wasted, My mercies never cease, My faithfulness never ends, My love never fails, and all you need I still continue to provide

Being tested through the fire,
the feeling of being refined,
waiting is never an easy tasks,
emotions running high that can overtake you,
don't loose sight,
remember the joy that comes with the morning,
remember the words that were given to you..

No prayer in vain, not a single tear wasted, My mercies never cease, My faithfulness never ends, My love never fails, and all you need I still continue to provide

Finding hope among the situations most hopeless, Faith in the driest valley, Joy within the most bereaving sorrows..

No prayer in vain, not a single tear wasted, His mercies never ceased,His faithfulness never ended,His love never failed, and all I needed He still continues to provide..

Joy really does come with the morning..

An evening with Sara Groves.

I am about to say my prayers, and rest my head while hoping it clears up during the night. I am hoping that rest is in my body's agenda this evening.

I have had this weird cold all week, and last night it kept me up. I should be asleep, but I've been listening to Sara Groves for the past two hours and sucking on a another cough drop I wish I could meet her. Her lyrics make me think. They inspire me. I wish I could write like her. I appreciate the honesty she expresses in her songs. I know have potential to write honestly, but will I let myself? Am I restraining myself? In my head, I come up with any and every adjective to express my feelings, but to put my feelings onto paper is like making it official. I feel safe inside my head. Putting it down, even in my own private journal means I am admitting it to myself. As if I didn't already know. As is if keeping it inside my head protects me from myself, or anyone else. Honesty requires vulnerability which potentially leads to pain. Why should I fear myself? Am I afraid regrets and self-hatred that could result from me penning my thoughts? Ultimately, why should I fear God? Is that really what this could be? Perhaps a combination of both. Today my scripture reading (which I admit I have neglected the past few days as I continue in Genesis fell in Chapter 3 verses 8-13. It read about Adam and Eve's feelings right after their first sin. They knew God was in the garden, yet they still hid. They still tried to lie and blame one another, rather than admit their mistakes and be just honest with God. I find myself in this position many times. Why can't I just tell the simple truth? Is it really that simple? It should be. I complicate things, over analyze and make it worse than it really was.

Truth. Why do I wrestle with you? Can we not find middle ground on which to meet? Spare me the pain, and I'll let you out. Let me hold on to the parts which I know could devastate things, and you just give the bare minimal..we can make a compromise, it will all work out in the end right? Can't we both win that way? Yet pure truth, I know, I know, I can't keep part of you hidden. You say all or nothing. For you, there is no compromise. You require me to tell all. Why do you ask so much of me? Vulnerability takes so much effort, I am not sure I can do this. I know,I know, you desire me to tell all my secrets, all the hidden sin that lies within my heart. Do you not understand the pain which that will cause me? There is no easy road, no middle ground, no avoiding the scarring pain which lies ahead. You say It doesn't look pleasant, but in the end, dear truth, your telling me that there is redemption. I only did this to myself you say, but once I let go of you, once I set you free, it will sting and it will hurt for a while, but I will be healed in the end? I will be forgiven, and initial suffering will be all worth the joy and freedom to be experienced in the end? If there is truth to what you tell me, then maybe I can give this a try. I know, I know, its a call and a command,I must open up my heart and let the truth come out..

Happy Reflection day! or wait, Happy New Years Eve?

**This post was intended to be published on the 31, but got delayed in the middle of writing it..**

My title is deceptive. You thought I didn't know what day it was..

Ha. Gotcha.

Today closes off 2009. I love this day. It closes one year and starts another. One chapter finished, another begins. I love new beginnings and fresh starts. Well, that's how I look at it. This is one of my favorite days of the year. I enjoy sitting back and reflecting on the past year. The changes, good and bad, and most of all the lessons I have learned and looking at how far I've come. I also like to look into the future and attempt to see what the next year might hold for me. I mean, one can never be too sure and I can't predict the future, but I want to have hope in the new year. I sort of follow the "new years" resolutions, but not the typical make a list of "to-do". It's more looking at what happened in the present year and using that to help guide my future. I learn from experience therefore I resolve to help course my future off of those experiences. So here it is, the 2009 reflection post. Might as well make my time useful as I wait for my soup to finish cooking.

Let's start with January..
Uh, the big move. Moody and Chicago. What a way to kick off a new year. Moving states, schools, majors, and um, climate. No job, no friends. Never even been to Moody or Chicago. That naturally changed my life. I have never made a permanent move to another state, especially not the North Midwest amidst one of the biggest cities in the United States. I remember journaling a lot about loneliness. I also went in with a pre-conceived notion of how things would run for me at moody. I'd find a job withing a few weeks, ace all my classes.. um, yeah no. I hated the cold, classes were hard, and I felt completely out of place.

February-More cold. More snow. Learning founders week. Catering job and babysitting job both occurred this month, and both came from nowhere. God's provided unexpectedly. Joined my floor's ministry team. Met some wonderful people and relationship building began. Ran my 1st 5k! Got re-hired with student life for the summer. Also, the diagnosis of the food allergies began. I went in for my Asthma and was tested positive for lactose intolerance. Never in a million years did I imagine that..little did I know there was more.

March-Spring break, home!super busy break, catching up with old friends. Go back to school, and go on a wonderful retreat that helped build even stronger relationships

April-Really loving Chicago! Spring begins to creep in and I saw the city without snow for the first time. Began taking trips to Lake Michigan and running outside more often. Return to the doctor, no soy, gluten and begin meds for acid reflux.

May-Finding it hard to part from Chicago! I made it through my 1st semester! I went home for one week before heading to Birmingham. My sweet friend Bridget got married and I was able to attend the wedding! I got asked out 2 times in one week, and learned to handle both well, considering I am bad at that. One was a good experience, the other not. I learned what a gentlemen looks like. Headed out to Student Life.

June-learning my new job was difficult. I also decided the gluten was too hard on the road, so i went back making me sick, and with terrible mood swings. bad idea. Traveled to Missouri, North Carolina,South Padre Texas. Still trying to fit in with the team.

July-Texas to Ohio, to Virginia, to Missouri, to Colorado. Learned a very hard lesson in relationships. Once again, loved colorado. made some good friends on the team. Learned alot about Compassion International and Faith N. changed my life. She taught me how to love and I became more passionate about Compassion after seeing her life. Turned 21 in the beautiful mountains! Experienced true dislike and exclusion for the first time in my Christian life. Very hard.

August-still in Colorado, finally return home for a week and a half. Crack down on my Independent study class while trying ot visit family and friends. Take my sister to Houston and fly back to Chicago the next day. Depression sinks in. Classes start.

September-start nannying again, search for a second job. Student teaching for PCM begins. Fighting hard despression. Many a nights crying in my room. Classes pick up. Went off gluten again, and health improves significantly. Depression starts to fade, and with the help of wonderful friends and the Lord's guidance I make it through. Learned to forgive those who caused pain this summer. Joined Gospel choir.

October-finally start really being around people again. had to attend a funeral for a young girl of 3. Failed my first college exam. humbled. forced myself to "get help" from the Prof. Making new friends. Missions conference. Internship search process begins. First Moody missions conference. Feeling more pressed to reach the lost. Retreat on Halloween, some of the most fun I had in while, was introduced to filafel :)

November-Classes are heavy, PCM struggles. Friendships are strengthening. I begin making friends with my professors (nerd) and learning alot from them. My internship choice number one falls apart, because of health I must stay in the states. My choices are in Dearborn and Detroit MI. No gluten is getting easier. Ultrasound finds nothing, so next step is colonoscopy. Suprise ticket home for thanksgiving!

December-wrap up semester. 3 job interviews, nothing. Mom loses job. Trying to get internship paperwork started. move rooms, 5 finals, and a barely paid first school payment. Off-meal plan. However, God begins to work in my heart through all these things. Home for 3 weeks

To sum it up, my year has been good. Definitely had its set of challenges. I have learned alot about my health, and through it have been trusting the Lord, and ministering to others with it. I am learning grace and humility though this as well. Fighting a huge round of depression. Learned to share my testimony openly with others. Burdened for the lost, praying for opportunities. Relationships, I have learned so much. Had my heart broken as I broke someone else. maybe more than one..learning to be content in singleness and also how to let others come in. Can patience and humility ever be fully achieved? I don't think so. God continues to teach me those things in different ways. Learning to love those who hate you is really hard! Especially if they claim to be believers. The struggles this year have all been worth it. 2009 has been a great year. One more year closer to the Lord, for who is to say how many more we have left? Learning to live in love, and to live a life in God. Letting go of my fear of failure and learning from my mistakes.

I fully embrace 2010, its highs and challenges. I am learning to quietly sit at the feet of Jesus daily, preparing for each new day that comes. Memorizing the word and studying it. I don't know what each day holds, but I am excited. I am ready to learn. Each new lesson, Each new trial, Each new pain, Each new joy, each new celebration, I am ready. I have lots of hopes, dreams and expectations, but I know His ways are still higher, and many may the plans be in my heart but Its only the Lord's who prevails. I am a planner, but I can only plan so much. I am grateful to have lived another year, and Lord willing will see through another. 2010, welcome.