Thursday, March 25, 2010

Scattered thoughts, mixed with wanderings of the heart and questons in my head

Where is the line drawn between honesty and vulnerability?
I Open my heart, take a stab,
learn to love, come and go as you please? Since when did this become fair,
Harden my heart, bitterness and anger,
but wait, love and forgiveness, run to the One who loves at all times,
Be my refuge, I choose to reach out,
Rid the calloused heart of stone, make it a heart of flesh again,
Learn to love, even though transparency pains,
Deep wounds, mistakes made, yet surrender comes, each care cast,
tears fall, but each is counted, and stored.
Joy in the morning, redemption comes, mercies made new,
Self-control to stop dwelling on the past,
Sinners saved by grace,
We are called to love one another,
people will fail, but there is one who never does,
No Ivory tower exists, no corner alone,
Try again, many chances your given,
Failures come in this race,
But love is demanded, no small thing to be disposed of,
Just reach out, to the Author of it all,
Then I'll try again to reach out to you.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

To stop the flow of the paper I should be writing..

I can't seem to stay focused on this paper anymore, its late, and I should be asleep. Writing a paper on something you don't completely agree with can be difficult..but I get on these random "kicks" and its not too bad. My head is full, along with my heart today. Questions keep getting raised in my mind, and I should probably be writing them all down. I found out some very disappointing news yesterday regarding my student teaching. The organization I teach at lost their funding and tomorrow night is the last class. I was really enjoying it, and now, its all coming to an end, halfway through the semester. I am still in shock and attempting to process it.

Another thing, on this paper, on suffering, I am being reminding of how insignificant my trials can seem in comparison to what Christ went through. Here's a little section of my paper: "Emotional suffering can at times feel even more overwhelming than physical suffering. Emotional suffering can be tremendously great for some. To know that in the Garden, he prayed so intensely for the cup to pass from Him, that He sweat drops of blood onto the ground. Yancey states it this way “At one point he fell facedown on the ground and prayed for some way, any way, out. His sweat fell to the ground in large drops, like blood” (Yancey 130). How great His mental and emotional suffering must have been! Even though Jesus prayed with great intensity, God still chose to have His son crucified on a cross. We can look at this example amidst our own emotional pain, and know that Jesus was at that point before us. When bringing things to a more personal level, I realize that I do not have to face the emotional stress of knowing that I will be crucified for all mankind, even though I know that I am the only person undeserving of such a suffering and punishment.
Emotional suffering can be great, but there is also physical suffering in this world. Yancey transitions from the emotional suffering of Christ in the garden to the physical suffering on the cross. Christ asking His Father why He had been forsaken, and to read the scripture and know the torture He endured should be more than sufficient to bring a man to his knees. "

How true, and how quick I am to forget. However, I am comforted in knowing that God does care about my trifle situations.

This morning I had breakfast with a professor, who gave me more wise advice on life. Mainly relationships. I really don't know how to handle things at times. I run away, I still get overwhelmed when I feel confused or let down. I sit here in this coffee shop, I watched as my friend gathered from afar, and my loneliness once again caught up to me. I hide away so easily. I fear rejection still. Where is the line between vulnerability and trust drawn? I am still trying to figure that one out. .However, I will choose, rather than wallow in my own self-pity and loneliness, to cast my cares upon the Lord and seek refuge in the one who loves unconditionally, no matter how much I run.

Good day though. Breakfast with my favorite professor, met with my amazing mentor, and walked to the lake and watched the sunset with a friend. Its amazing what happens when you let yourself love and open up to others..

O love, that will not let me go..

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Spring break.

Only a few hours from being asleep to begin new week of classes. I am currently putting off a paper by blogging, and reading up on the new health care reform that seems to be taking place. Spring break, you are now but a memory. It slipped through my hands, very quickly. Time is fleeting these days. Here is a brief re-cap of spring break, in so many words.

-Working, doubling my hours, with 3 jobs. Yes. I really enjoyed working, and wish I did that without the school every week.
-Going to Christi's house and being her family in the Michigan countryside for a weekend, and being introduced to gluten-free strawberry shortcake and soy free hazelnut almond milk.
-Printing out tangible pictures from walgreens.
-Being told that some of that almond milk is headed my way tonight :)
-I enjoyed being a receptionist for two weeks.
-My four year-olds are hilarious. I love their creativity, curiosity and child-like innocence.
-one of my kids, Oscar, singing a different song randomly, almost everyday like no one is watching, not a care in the world, ignoring the comments of others, and frankly, its inspiring.
-Another kid, Danielle, and her grasping of who Christ is, expressed by her imagination and stories she comes up with.
-Watching 3 year-old Ian. Its been over one year now. How cool is that? He's grown so much, and I was very proud of him at the park the other day, yea I can brag.
-Getting into running again, even though its hurts my kneed and pretty much every joint in the lower half of my body. I am back to two miles already.yeaaa..
-The warm sunny weather. 60s and 70s mostly. rock on Chicago.
-Roommate date night. Faith and I saw a movie together, a chick-flick, and bought snacks from walgreens. I haven't seen a movie in a theater since Harry Potter, and Faith and I never get to hangout like that. Best night.
-Hair-dying party with Faith and Dawn. We all dyed our hair for fun. And stayed up late.
-Getting to watch a movie and TV. whoa. and I did it alone.
-Time alone, reflecting, learning about myself and learning what and how to change.
-A friend's visit in town.
-Re-connecting with an old friend
-movie night at the "dog place", sparkling pomegranate juice and gluten free brownies with chocolate chips included. And extra-entertainment provided by John and Dawn.
-did I mention time alone?
-watching the sunset tonight.
-Laughing at my dyslexia, right now.

The only really negative thing was my student teaching DVD messing up. I am not sure what I am going to do about that..But if that's the only negative thing, I have it pretty good.

I wish briefly share my devotional experience on here. I have been needing to work on taming my tongue. My sarcasm is too much, my speech is careless, I am not encouraging enough if at all, I am too "flattering" sometimes, I use poor choices in my words, my tone can be to negative, I don't think before the words come out, I gossip and slander, My conversations are not always wise and I really need to just tame this tongue of mine. Its getting outta control.

One verse in particular that stuck out to me was Proverbs 10: 32, " The lips of the righteous KNOW what is acceptable, but the mouth of the wicked what is perverse."
James 3:9-10 stuck out to me also, " ..With it, we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people made in the likeness of God.From the same mouth come blessing and cursing, my brothers this should not be"

Clearly, if I am righteous, I should know what to say according to this verse. So I know better, no excuse. I have been praying and studying and practicing my speech. With my peers now back at school, the real test begins. Will I be able to hold my tongue and know when to not say something? The discipline of silence? Not participating in gossip as well as stopping it? Word choice? Will I offend someone? Can my sarcasm stop? Will my tone be positive? Can I encourage my friends? Can I speak the truth in love? Can I stop cursing man made in God's image? Can I stop complaining?

Words are powerful. The book of James says the tongue is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. Yikes. This will not be easy, but necessary. Very. If I want to be worthy of God' calling on my life as believer, my words reflect my character and what is in my heart. Its time to change some things.

Tomorrow, I wish would hold off a little longer, I am not ready for it in many ways, but I can't stop it from coming. Its been a good two weeks. Only 10 more to go...

Meh, there I go complaining again. Must. stop.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010 mind needs to relieve itself..(what a classy title.)

Its late. My roommate is still out. We've been apart for 4 days. I am waiting up like an over-protective parent, but its more like "Gah! I haven't seen you in four days, I need to talk to you!" As if much has changed, but Faith and I, we're tight. This is how we are. We can't handle separation easily, and its getting worse. I am pretty stoke about moving into an apartment with her and my awesome friend Dawn next year. As Dawn would put it "Its going to be the bomb-diggity!"

Well, today my train decided to arrive an hour late in Lansing, therefore putting me an hour late into Chicago, therefore making me rush to work and to teach. I came home, heated up some rice noodle soup, and caught up on the office. Ok, fun is over, I really have responsibility. Seriously, I need to buckle down. This week I work 3 jobs, 21 hours, next week, four around 32. Thankfully one is on campus. I am so grateful to be able to make more money than anticipated. God does provide. I have laundry, emails to reply to, errands to run, the list goes on, topped off with cooking and homework. Being an adult has its downs..however I would not trade it for a thing. This weekend really made me think. I loved being around a big family. I go back to the previous post. Big, godly families rock. (I can tell I am past my bedtime, due to the jargon I am using in this post Rock? really? Can I not come up with more sophisticated, or better yet, "adult" adjectives?) My views on marriage have also slowly been altered within the past few months and this weekend helped a lot as well. I like the new views, maybe I'll share my opinions at a later time, perhaps to conclude everything I learn over spring break. I am at one of those points in my life where yet again, half of what I thought I was right about, I am again proved wrong.

Well, I should stop writing now. Before something else slips onto this post..

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Greetings from M!ch!gan!

I love this. I could get used to this. A quiet coffee shop in the country.

I haven't accomplished all the homework I came with, but thats ok. I've been blogging, and spent 30 minutes just working on the computer itself. Its so nice to be out of the city. I conclude from what I've seen, that Michigan is a pretty state, with really pretty trees. Im glad because Ill be living here for 2 months.

This morning during my quiet time, the Psalm I read talked about taming the tongue. I have decided to study my tongue over break and change some habits. I wrote down some goals for break that I hope to accomplish, besides homework and internship things, its all character building. I need to change in so many ways as far as my character is concerned. I've allowed myself to become a manipulative, emotional wreck. One year ago I was a stoic, unemotional, stone heart who refused to let anyone in. What a contrast. I am glad to be away from mass amounts of people for two weeks, enjoying Chicago and working without classes or again, mass amounts of people at school. I need to heal. Two weeks is a good amount of time. I hope to discover some guidance, and direction concerning my life. I want to be used by the Lord and willing to surrender my wants.

For lunch, Christi is taking me to get gluten free pizza. I am so excited. I never eat pizza anymore. I am already liking her family alot. Seriously, they all are so welcoming, and open. I have not experienced this in such a long time. Where even the children are polite and loving towards one another and outsiders. What an example. Ah, this is going to be a great weekend. Monday morning sadly, will arrive before it is wanted. But I shall enjoy this while I can :)