I can't seem to stay focused on this paper anymore, its late, and I should be asleep. Writing a paper on something you don't completely agree with can be difficult..but I get on these random "kicks" and its not too bad. My head is full, along with my heart today. Questions keep getting raised in my mind, and I should probably be writing them all down. I found out some very disappointing news yesterday regarding my student teaching. The organization I teach at lost their funding and tomorrow night is the last class. I was really enjoying it, and now, its all coming to an end, halfway through the semester. I am still in shock and attempting to process it.
Another thing, on this paper, on suffering, I am being reminding of how insignificant my trials can seem in comparison to what Christ went through. Here's a little section of my paper: "Emotional suffering can at times feel even more overwhelming than physical suffering. Emotional suffering can be tremendously great for some. To know that in the Garden, he prayed so intensely for the cup to pass from Him, that He sweat drops of blood onto the ground. Yancey states it this way “At one point he fell facedown on the ground and prayed for some way, any way, out. His sweat fell to the ground in large drops, like blood” (Yancey 130). How great His mental and emotional suffering must have been! Even though Jesus prayed with great intensity, God still chose to have His son crucified on a cross. We can look at this example amidst our own emotional pain, and know that Jesus was at that point before us. When bringing things to a more personal level, I realize that I do not have to face the emotional stress of knowing that I will be crucified for all mankind, even though I know that I am the only person undeserving of such a suffering and punishment.
Emotional suffering can be great, but there is also physical suffering in this world. Yancey transitions from the emotional suffering of Christ in the garden to the physical suffering on the cross. Christ asking His Father why He had been forsaken, and to read the scripture and know the torture He endured should be more than sufficient to bring a man to his knees. "
How true, and how quick I am to forget. However, I am comforted in knowing that God does care about my trifle situations.
This morning I had breakfast with a professor, who gave me more wise advice on life. Mainly relationships. I really don't know how to handle things at times. I run away, I still get overwhelmed when I feel confused or let down. I sit here in this coffee shop, I watched as my friend gathered from afar, and my loneliness once again caught up to me. I hide away so easily. I fear rejection still. Where is the line between vulnerability and trust drawn? I am still trying to figure that one out. .However, I will choose, rather than wallow in my own self-pity and loneliness, to cast my cares upon the Lord and seek refuge in the one who loves unconditionally, no matter how much I run.
Good day though. Breakfast with my favorite professor, met with my amazing mentor, and walked to the lake and watched the sunset with a friend. Its amazing what happens when you let yourself love and open up to others..
O love, that will not let me go..
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