Speak. Say it. Say it loud.
Be heard. Let your voice be heard.
You have voice. You have a voice.
Scream. Scream aloud.
Be heard. You, be heard.
Let the world hear you.
You have been repressed,
for that, I am sorry.
They were wrong.
Now I tell you otherwise.
You have been given a voice.
Use it.
Speak.
Its ok, Im telling you.
It is ok.
I will listen.
Its OK,I promise
Speak.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Word to the Wise.
I went out, intentionally leaving my umbrella at home thinking "I will surely be back before that forecasted rain".
Wrong.
That is what I get for ignoring the forecasting and leaving behind my rain resitent covering because it was "too heavy". I ended up with a decent amount of wet from a nearly two-mile walk.
I also got to chat with one of closest friends tonight, Breana. I love this girl to the max. You know that person you can call anytime you feel like it? She's that person. We've been friends since our freshman year of high school. We have recieved write-ups together (oh gym class, our first meet) for skipping classes, I think I recall serving a detention once together for a different class..(probably tardies or who knows what), joined the history club with our favorite teacher Mr. Clemmons (best class ever..seroiusly, this man made me fall in love with history in his ever-so creative methods...Making jokes of ourselves in front of the tennis team after-school as we gave our hand at the sport..and blaring our music and dancing in our parked cars in the parking lots..taco bells runs..Shoe-polish wars..getting pulled over..laughter and tears..oh the list could go on. I think a blgo post dedicated to this girl is in the near future.
Anyway..I tell Breana pretty much everything I can think of. She knows me quite well, to say the least, and tonight I got to talk to her on the phone about my emotional semester. One thing that came up, was wisdom. I was reminded of how wisdom is gained. It is gained through study, asking and experience, most of all. For example, my story of the unbrella taught me to never ignore the warnings of the weather forcast again if I am walking a long distance. I think the greatest wisdom is gained through experience. Godly wisdome does not come easy, it comes with a price. Making mistakes and humilty are one form as well as suffering. I personally think they go hand-in-hand. If we think about it, as we grow older we experience more and learn more. One may ask the ever-fun epistemological question "Well how do you know?" (its not really obnoxious, only if asked in sarcasm or if the asker is really dense on the subject) Much of the time we can answer based on the fact that we have been there. "Been there, done that" as some say. We learn from our mistakes, we learn from circumstances given to us. Its not easy. Its not easy nor encouraging to feel the shame from a blundering move we've made or something said without thought or care. However, we do remember it, and we (hopefully as we gain wisdom), do not repeat the same mistake. This semester I can say I have gained wisdom yet again, in the areas of friendship and relationships. A never ending journey which I will not reach the end of while on this earth. Through trial and error I learned what to be as a friend, and what not to be. A friend loves at all times, and a friend truly doth stick closer than a brother, if he is a true friend. Of course I will disappoint, and so will they but the foundations and principles remain the same. I should surround myself with other wise friends, who challenge me, spiritually encourage me, emotionally support me, build up, and dare to confront. That is one of the hardest tasks to carry out. Always. A wise friend asks the hard questions and confronts the concerns and wrongs. Had it done to me, and Ive had to do it this semester. Oh it hurts, both ways. I agonize over confrontation. It gives me ulcers. However, if I am to remain a true friend, I must accept and give out. I despise it, but conflict will continue to arise, especially in ministry. Wisdom is much needed in relaionships..
I gratefully enjoy being reminded of the words penned in Proverbs regarding wisdom. Wisdom begins with the fear of the Lord. Revernece and worship for Him are the first step in advancing in wisdom. We are told to not keep companions of fools but surround ourselves with the wise. We are told ot listen to instruction and advice. Do not follow your own path, but the Lord's. Don't make hasty decisons.Wisdom brings life.
Gaining wisdom and discernment is not easy. I like asking questions and learning from those who have walked before me. I really love learning, truly.(Confessions of an acadamic nerd) And I ask questions to all my professors outside of class (true story, class seems to intimidate me to much..too many humans in one room to hear me speak and choke up on my words because I fear crowds and large groups.) I also like learning of people. Who are you and whats your story? (The fidiest in me emerges). People have stories all given to them, and I like to know more.I also like to know details. I ask questions that may make people squirm..the naturally skeptic self reveals itself constantly it seems..I question many a thing, which seems to drive some mad, but I cannot take everything at face vulue and be satisfied. It is as if my ears are trained and ready for red flags. Everyone's favorite classic killjoy, may I be. I never mean for a person to doubt himself or such, or offend anyone ever, but It I like to understand people's presuppositions as well as help them understand their own. I am not always skilled at that, but it comes about in varoius ways. Outside of asking, I have been crushed and perplexed, at a loss of understanding many a time. Right now, what does August behold for me? Where do I go? I need wisdom. All the time. I have rabbit-trailed several times in this post. That is what happens when a million thoughts all at once gather together for the midnight cry.
Wisdom. So much to be learned of you and from you. I ask the Lord for it, and gain it in ways unexpected. Oh that I may know the depths of widsom from heaven, and to carry that all the days of my life. Wisdom, may it never leave my side as it carries me along in santification. Wisdom, a precious gift gained through anguish, distress and affliction. As the writhing soul cries out in utter desperation to be rescused from its tormenter and afflicter, may it remember a reward ending in wisdom. To agony: you will be replaced by a holy knowledge and understanding. Perception and good judement gained. Torment and anguish replaced by prudence and discernment. I express gratitude to the Lord for this great gift. That we by nature, fools leading fools, may now be granted godly wisdom, is that not such a blessed thought?
Wrong.
That is what I get for ignoring the forecasting and leaving behind my rain resitent covering because it was "too heavy". I ended up with a decent amount of wet from a nearly two-mile walk.
I also got to chat with one of closest friends tonight, Breana. I love this girl to the max. You know that person you can call anytime you feel like it? She's that person. We've been friends since our freshman year of high school. We have recieved write-ups together (oh gym class, our first meet) for skipping classes, I think I recall serving a detention once together for a different class..(probably tardies or who knows what), joined the history club with our favorite teacher Mr. Clemmons (best class ever..seroiusly, this man made me fall in love with history in his ever-so creative methods...Making jokes of ourselves in front of the tennis team after-school as we gave our hand at the sport..and blaring our music and dancing in our parked cars in the parking lots..taco bells runs..Shoe-polish wars..getting pulled over..laughter and tears..oh the list could go on. I think a blgo post dedicated to this girl is in the near future.
Anyway..I tell Breana pretty much everything I can think of. She knows me quite well, to say the least, and tonight I got to talk to her on the phone about my emotional semester. One thing that came up, was wisdom. I was reminded of how wisdom is gained. It is gained through study, asking and experience, most of all. For example, my story of the unbrella taught me to never ignore the warnings of the weather forcast again if I am walking a long distance. I think the greatest wisdom is gained through experience. Godly wisdome does not come easy, it comes with a price. Making mistakes and humilty are one form as well as suffering. I personally think they go hand-in-hand. If we think about it, as we grow older we experience more and learn more. One may ask the ever-fun epistemological question "Well how do you know?" (its not really obnoxious, only if asked in sarcasm or if the asker is really dense on the subject) Much of the time we can answer based on the fact that we have been there. "Been there, done that" as some say. We learn from our mistakes, we learn from circumstances given to us. Its not easy. Its not easy nor encouraging to feel the shame from a blundering move we've made or something said without thought or care. However, we do remember it, and we (hopefully as we gain wisdom), do not repeat the same mistake. This semester I can say I have gained wisdom yet again, in the areas of friendship and relationships. A never ending journey which I will not reach the end of while on this earth. Through trial and error I learned what to be as a friend, and what not to be. A friend loves at all times, and a friend truly doth stick closer than a brother, if he is a true friend. Of course I will disappoint, and so will they but the foundations and principles remain the same. I should surround myself with other wise friends, who challenge me, spiritually encourage me, emotionally support me, build up, and dare to confront. That is one of the hardest tasks to carry out. Always. A wise friend asks the hard questions and confronts the concerns and wrongs. Had it done to me, and Ive had to do it this semester. Oh it hurts, both ways. I agonize over confrontation. It gives me ulcers. However, if I am to remain a true friend, I must accept and give out. I despise it, but conflict will continue to arise, especially in ministry. Wisdom is much needed in relaionships..
I gratefully enjoy being reminded of the words penned in Proverbs regarding wisdom. Wisdom begins with the fear of the Lord. Revernece and worship for Him are the first step in advancing in wisdom. We are told to not keep companions of fools but surround ourselves with the wise. We are told ot listen to instruction and advice. Do not follow your own path, but the Lord's. Don't make hasty decisons.Wisdom brings life.
Gaining wisdom and discernment is not easy. I like asking questions and learning from those who have walked before me. I really love learning, truly.(Confessions of an acadamic nerd) And I ask questions to all my professors outside of class (true story, class seems to intimidate me to much..too many humans in one room to hear me speak and choke up on my words because I fear crowds and large groups.) I also like learning of people. Who are you and whats your story? (The fidiest in me emerges). People have stories all given to them, and I like to know more.I also like to know details. I ask questions that may make people squirm..the naturally skeptic self reveals itself constantly it seems..I question many a thing, which seems to drive some mad, but I cannot take everything at face vulue and be satisfied. It is as if my ears are trained and ready for red flags. Everyone's favorite classic killjoy, may I be. I never mean for a person to doubt himself or such, or offend anyone ever, but It I like to understand people's presuppositions as well as help them understand their own. I am not always skilled at that, but it comes about in varoius ways. Outside of asking, I have been crushed and perplexed, at a loss of understanding many a time. Right now, what does August behold for me? Where do I go? I need wisdom. All the time. I have rabbit-trailed several times in this post. That is what happens when a million thoughts all at once gather together for the midnight cry.
Wisdom. So much to be learned of you and from you. I ask the Lord for it, and gain it in ways unexpected. Oh that I may know the depths of widsom from heaven, and to carry that all the days of my life. Wisdom, may it never leave my side as it carries me along in santification. Wisdom, a precious gift gained through anguish, distress and affliction. As the writhing soul cries out in utter desperation to be rescused from its tormenter and afflicter, may it remember a reward ending in wisdom. To agony: you will be replaced by a holy knowledge and understanding. Perception and good judement gained. Torment and anguish replaced by prudence and discernment. I express gratitude to the Lord for this great gift. That we by nature, fools leading fools, may now be granted godly wisdom, is that not such a blessed thought?
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Inertwined: Celiacs, depression, and food.
Today is one of those days, one of those days I really much watch myself. That, sounds like I need a babysitter.
I have struggled with depression since I was in Junior high, severely. To think back on those suicidal days gives me chills. Its a bondage, it really is. Its a constant battle at times. A daily fight. To be in a moment, screaming out to God to take your life and end the horrific pain and torture felt at the given time, then waking up the next day, thinking it was all a dream. It feels like a split personality. I go through spells or "episodes", depending on the occasion. A spell is an extensive period of time perhaps a few months or so, where every other days is up and down, like a roller coaster. Onsets can be triggered by circumstances, and in some cases sin. For example, hardships, difficult circumstances ect.. those can lead up to a spell. Also, laziness, (spending time with TV versus the Bible), lack of fellowship in the church, or for some people, more explicit sins (drunkenness ect) can cause a spell. An onset is more of a trip for me. Its like I snap. I hate the onsets. Its like a monster emerging from me. One minute I am fine, then the next Im ready for the kill. From testing and experimentation, those have been triggered mostly by food. Who would have thunk it? Gluten. I was diagnosed as gluten/dairy intolerant 2.5 years ago. The worst was trying to remove the gluten. Mood swings were terrible. Trying to figure out what products contained gluten, was a nightmare. Physical pain goes hand in hand with auto-immune diseases, but the mental part was about equal. I felt so unstable. Thankfully, I have got this diet nailed by now. Who knew that this protein was causing a chemical imbalance and altering my hormones?
Today, I have to still watch what I consume. I have to keep track of my emotions and remain aware of where I am each day. On days I feel prone to being depressed, I try to remove other foods such as junk food and refined sugars. This helps. I also found that exercise is my biggest outlet to bring back the balance. Releasing the endorphins helps beyond what I thought it would. Journaling and writing also prove helpful. Most importantly, is crying aloud to God and staying in the word. Only the Lord can truly listen, truly perceive and understand what it is I am going though. Only He can heal. Others can be used by Him to help heal, but He is the one who does the healing.It seems like a lot of work sometimes, but its worth it.
Just a small testimony, and encouragement for anyone who suffers in this way, or anyone who thinks its fascinating. I am rather odd. Maybe this explains alot..
I have struggled with depression since I was in Junior high, severely. To think back on those suicidal days gives me chills. Its a bondage, it really is. Its a constant battle at times. A daily fight. To be in a moment, screaming out to God to take your life and end the horrific pain and torture felt at the given time, then waking up the next day, thinking it was all a dream. It feels like a split personality. I go through spells or "episodes", depending on the occasion. A spell is an extensive period of time perhaps a few months or so, where every other days is up and down, like a roller coaster. Onsets can be triggered by circumstances, and in some cases sin. For example, hardships, difficult circumstances ect.. those can lead up to a spell. Also, laziness, (spending time with TV versus the Bible), lack of fellowship in the church, or for some people, more explicit sins (drunkenness ect) can cause a spell. An onset is more of a trip for me. Its like I snap. I hate the onsets. Its like a monster emerging from me. One minute I am fine, then the next Im ready for the kill. From testing and experimentation, those have been triggered mostly by food. Who would have thunk it? Gluten. I was diagnosed as gluten/dairy intolerant 2.5 years ago. The worst was trying to remove the gluten. Mood swings were terrible. Trying to figure out what products contained gluten, was a nightmare. Physical pain goes hand in hand with auto-immune diseases, but the mental part was about equal. I felt so unstable. Thankfully, I have got this diet nailed by now. Who knew that this protein was causing a chemical imbalance and altering my hormones?
Today, I have to still watch what I consume. I have to keep track of my emotions and remain aware of where I am each day. On days I feel prone to being depressed, I try to remove other foods such as junk food and refined sugars. This helps. I also found that exercise is my biggest outlet to bring back the balance. Releasing the endorphins helps beyond what I thought it would. Journaling and writing also prove helpful. Most importantly, is crying aloud to God and staying in the word. Only the Lord can truly listen, truly perceive and understand what it is I am going though. Only He can heal. Others can be used by Him to help heal, but He is the one who does the healing.It seems like a lot of work sometimes, but its worth it.
Just a small testimony, and encouragement for anyone who suffers in this way, or anyone who thinks its fascinating. I am rather odd. Maybe this explains alot..
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Flawed Presuppostions on Marriage.
As of late, marriage seems rather the trendy thing to do around here. I am pro-marriage, I think it's a wonderful idea. Obviously, it was created by God and He makes all things good right? I think the institution of marriage portrays God's love for us, the fact that we can learn to love another human being, the shared intimacy, how artistically a God we serve! And how benevolent of him to allow us to partake in something so wonderful and beautiful. We could never come up with this on our own. They mystery of two becoming one, the analogy of us Christians as the bride of Christ is so rich. It bewilders and perplexes me to think of a gift so grand being so theological. Marriage was created for a man and woman, to be fruitful and multiply, to love and serve one another and so much more. Marriage is a good thing, something I hope for someday.
But,should we jump on the bandwagon because its the popular christian school thing to do? I will evade the fallacy of over-generalizing by commenting that I think Christian schools are great places to find spouses, and I have seen many a wonderful marriages stem from these couples. Again, I insert another "but". I have seen the raving passions and over-romanticized relationships take their seat at Moody. Was not marriage a community effort as recorded in ancient Jewish culture? The family was heavily involved as well as the rest of the community. This was a process and quite a big deal. Marriage was not a follow up to a month of dating. A couple did not decide courtship on their own. I feel sad and heavy for those I hear of entering a marriage due to passion and dreams. Yes, dream. Dream friends, and love, but use discernment and think. Let me refute a few common presuppositions I hear:
"Well, I knew (insert name of he/she), was the one."
-Where in the Bible is "the one"? If you find it, don't hesitate to inform me.
"I Corth. 7 says if we can't wait then we should get married"
-Do you understand the context of this passage? Paul is addressing the ravaging sex the Corinthians were having because they would not commit! This is not a command to "go for it" because you can't control your hormones. The language here is descriptive, not prescriptive. Hermeneutics my friends, hermeneutics. It does matter. It doesn't take a Greek scholar to figure this out. Laziness and isegisis result from the blindness of us our deceitful hearts, wanting to take a scripture from its original context and use it to defend ourselves. We shake our heads at the liberals yet we commit the same fallacy for different reasons.
"Proverbs says he who finds a wife.."
-Again, hermeneutics. Doesn't proverbs also warn us against hasty decisions without wise counsel?
Ok, I realize my language is strong, but this is a blog-post therefore I do not apologize. I am opinionated and passionate. This post is to cause one to think, not to quickly change the mind. The idolatry of relationships is a prevalent sin among Christian colleges. Marriage is a good thing, to be taken seriously. Take your relationship under an older-wiser couple. Invite the church in, invite your family in before you tell them your getting married. What do your friends say? The church has lost the biblical view of marriage. Oh, I have so much more to say based on my observations and my own personal study as well as interviewing others on this subject. Marriage is not the goal. glorifying God is. Marriage will not make you happier or satisfy you, only Christ can.
As one who will be entering the counseling field as well as continue to study theology, this is important to me. We wonder why the divorce rates are rising among Christians, do we really take marriage seriously as should be?
But,should we jump on the bandwagon because its the popular christian school thing to do? I will evade the fallacy of over-generalizing by commenting that I think Christian schools are great places to find spouses, and I have seen many a wonderful marriages stem from these couples. Again, I insert another "but". I have seen the raving passions and over-romanticized relationships take their seat at Moody. Was not marriage a community effort as recorded in ancient Jewish culture? The family was heavily involved as well as the rest of the community. This was a process and quite a big deal. Marriage was not a follow up to a month of dating. A couple did not decide courtship on their own. I feel sad and heavy for those I hear of entering a marriage due to passion and dreams. Yes, dream. Dream friends, and love, but use discernment and think. Let me refute a few common presuppositions I hear:
"Well, I knew (insert name of he/she), was the one."
-Where in the Bible is "the one"? If you find it, don't hesitate to inform me.
"I Corth. 7 says if we can't wait then we should get married"
-Do you understand the context of this passage? Paul is addressing the ravaging sex the Corinthians were having because they would not commit! This is not a command to "go for it" because you can't control your hormones. The language here is descriptive, not prescriptive. Hermeneutics my friends, hermeneutics. It does matter. It doesn't take a Greek scholar to figure this out. Laziness and isegisis result from the blindness of us our deceitful hearts, wanting to take a scripture from its original context and use it to defend ourselves. We shake our heads at the liberals yet we commit the same fallacy for different reasons.
"Proverbs says he who finds a wife.."
-Again, hermeneutics. Doesn't proverbs also warn us against hasty decisions without wise counsel?
Ok, I realize my language is strong, but this is a blog-post therefore I do not apologize. I am opinionated and passionate. This post is to cause one to think, not to quickly change the mind. The idolatry of relationships is a prevalent sin among Christian colleges. Marriage is a good thing, to be taken seriously. Take your relationship under an older-wiser couple. Invite the church in, invite your family in before you tell them your getting married. What do your friends say? The church has lost the biblical view of marriage. Oh, I have so much more to say based on my observations and my own personal study as well as interviewing others on this subject. Marriage is not the goal. glorifying God is. Marriage will not make you happier or satisfy you, only Christ can.
As one who will be entering the counseling field as well as continue to study theology, this is important to me. We wonder why the divorce rates are rising among Christians, do we really take marriage seriously as should be?
Monday, February 21, 2011
Tidbits, pieces, findings, snipits
"Not following a method, but integration and the Holy Spirit's guiding."
"Sometimes we are too impatient to stop and and think on the story"
"There is a usefulness in brokenness that theologies have no patience for"
"Do we really believe God is doing a new thing NOW?"
'Come to God as you are, get rid of the perfection"
-At work in my class of three year olds I saw friendship happen. Two girls giggled over a doll. They smiled. Left me, and went on to play together for the first time.How simple, how innocent a friendship was made that day.
"He's not after our comfort but our character"
"Sanctification is cooperate, not just individual"
"Some of the most painful things in life are things are hearing things we were never meant to hear"
"Those who suffer those most hate violence the most. Those who suffer the most also gain an introspect the less suffered do not have. There is wisdom in pain and insight, the ability to empathize and recognize by the look in another's eyes."
"Do we use the past to justify the future or change it?"
"Be different"
"There is a theology of tears"
"God suffers with us"
"We are to be honest before God. Completely"
A few things not to EVER say when someone is expressing themselves: (and there are more)
-Get over it.
-It'll be ok
-Don't worry....
-You'll be fine...
Your wrong to feel____.
"By telling someone they can't feel, is taking away their person-hood. We are made in the image of God. God has emotions and feels them. Who are we to think another soul in not entitled to feel the way they feel? There is a difference between feeling and acting on those feelings. It is ok to feel. Let them feel. Do not rob someone part of what is in their creation"
"Get rid of the cliches. Stop pretending. Be real."
"Listen. Listen well. Listen actively. Be intentional. Ask questions. Spend 45 minutes asking questions, dont do most of the talking. Get to know someone where they are." (This applies to apologetics as well as Christians)
"Sometimes we are too impatient to stop and and think on the story"
"There is a usefulness in brokenness that theologies have no patience for"
"Do we really believe God is doing a new thing NOW?"
'Come to God as you are, get rid of the perfection"
-At work in my class of three year olds I saw friendship happen. Two girls giggled over a doll. They smiled. Left me, and went on to play together for the first time.How simple, how innocent a friendship was made that day.
"He's not after our comfort but our character"
"Sanctification is cooperate, not just individual"
"Some of the most painful things in life are things are hearing things we were never meant to hear"
"Those who suffer those most hate violence the most. Those who suffer the most also gain an introspect the less suffered do not have. There is wisdom in pain and insight, the ability to empathize and recognize by the look in another's eyes."
"Do we use the past to justify the future or change it?"
"Be different"
"There is a theology of tears"
"God suffers with us"
"We are to be honest before God. Completely"
A few things not to EVER say when someone is expressing themselves: (and there are more)
-Get over it.
-It'll be ok
-Don't worry....
-You'll be fine...
Your wrong to feel____.
"By telling someone they can't feel, is taking away their person-hood. We are made in the image of God. God has emotions and feels them. Who are we to think another soul in not entitled to feel the way they feel? There is a difference between feeling and acting on those feelings. It is ok to feel. Let them feel. Do not rob someone part of what is in their creation"
"Get rid of the cliches. Stop pretending. Be real."
"Listen. Listen well. Listen actively. Be intentional. Ask questions. Spend 45 minutes asking questions, dont do most of the talking. Get to know someone where they are." (This applies to apologetics as well as Christians)
Thursday, December 23, 2010
December 23.
Today, I realize again, that Im slapped in the face with my sin.
Said it. there it is.
I turn the other cheek to receive a blow from reality and truth.
I should be asleep, but much is on my little mind...
I've realized that this Christmas season, I've been floating along, trying to "get through". The final weeks of school turned me into a zombie. 41 papers this semester, (Yes, I counted), 60+ pages turned in the final week. Just busy. Now Im home, and honestly, Im happy to be relaxed. But, I'm still trying to move on past the "state" the events of the past month has put me in. Emotions can really bite, so can harsh realities.
Facts and truth. Some hurt. However, there is some truth that I am choosing to neglect, and that I need to place again in my heart and my head.
The truth is, my heart is broken, but the truth also is that I serve a God who chose me and loves me, and has better things planned. I can only reflect on the hard for so long. Time to move forward. What that looks like, I don't know. Im slightly nervous, but I must gather the pieces and ask for healing. It is good to have mourned, but as the Psalmist says "Though sorrow may last for the night, Joy comes with the morning"
I need to focus on the Incarnation of Christ, and the sacrifice made. This is no time for a melancholy mood to sink in. God has provided in many other ways, and I must choose to focus on those.
Reconciliation may not come, but thats not my hope. My hope is to find healing in my Savior, and serve him in anyway He calls me to go, even if thats through the deepest waters. I anticipate returning to school, spending time with my students, working with the children Im entrusted to, new classes with new things to learn and possibility of new relationships as well as continuing the old. I want to enjoy the few days I have left here. I need to push past laziness and other distractions and stay in the word as well.
Goodbye dear friend goodbye
perhaps again we shall meet,
but not in the same discourse,
old friend, as it goes
"I bid thee farewell"
no longer more we shall meet as friends,
but as mere fellows who respect one another well
I will not forget the past or throw away what once was
but the future does not behold the same
I shake your hand and congratulate your gain,
I nod my head in approval.
forgiveness is at hand,
but I fear reconciliation may not be so.
I ask you leave me be,
Let us go our separate ways.
Your always welcome at my door,
but change will remain as is
Thank you for all you've done,
I truly mean all,
But now I part on good terms,
Goodbye is all.
Said it. there it is.
I turn the other cheek to receive a blow from reality and truth.
I should be asleep, but much is on my little mind...
I've realized that this Christmas season, I've been floating along, trying to "get through". The final weeks of school turned me into a zombie. 41 papers this semester, (Yes, I counted), 60+ pages turned in the final week. Just busy. Now Im home, and honestly, Im happy to be relaxed. But, I'm still trying to move on past the "state" the events of the past month has put me in. Emotions can really bite, so can harsh realities.
Facts and truth. Some hurt. However, there is some truth that I am choosing to neglect, and that I need to place again in my heart and my head.
The truth is, my heart is broken, but the truth also is that I serve a God who chose me and loves me, and has better things planned. I can only reflect on the hard for so long. Time to move forward. What that looks like, I don't know. Im slightly nervous, but I must gather the pieces and ask for healing. It is good to have mourned, but as the Psalmist says "Though sorrow may last for the night, Joy comes with the morning"
I need to focus on the Incarnation of Christ, and the sacrifice made. This is no time for a melancholy mood to sink in. God has provided in many other ways, and I must choose to focus on those.
Reconciliation may not come, but thats not my hope. My hope is to find healing in my Savior, and serve him in anyway He calls me to go, even if thats through the deepest waters. I anticipate returning to school, spending time with my students, working with the children Im entrusted to, new classes with new things to learn and possibility of new relationships as well as continuing the old. I want to enjoy the few days I have left here. I need to push past laziness and other distractions and stay in the word as well.
Goodbye dear friend goodbye
perhaps again we shall meet,
but not in the same discourse,
old friend, as it goes
"I bid thee farewell"
no longer more we shall meet as friends,
but as mere fellows who respect one another well
I will not forget the past or throw away what once was
but the future does not behold the same
I shake your hand and congratulate your gain,
I nod my head in approval.
forgiveness is at hand,
but I fear reconciliation may not be so.
I ask you leave me be,
Let us go our separate ways.
Your always welcome at my door,
but change will remain as is
Thank you for all you've done,
I truly mean all,
But now I part on good terms,
Goodbye is all.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
"Let me go get your trouble can!"
Did you know dogs could be trained with cans of coins rattling? They hate the noise. My sister now punishes our new dog with this...interesting
Home free finally. Unfortunately, I have a cold, which made for an awesome southwest flight. Mental health day is today. yes, yes it is. Sleep was great last night, in addition to seeing my family. Im still working on Seminary applications and my resume. In one week, I've turned in 60+ pages of work...in one week. Ive been in the "zone" for a month now. Im finally free! Ive turned in over 30 papers this semester. no quizzes and one objective test. so strange. But its over!
One more semester of college left. It feels so strange. Job hunting, seminary searching..weird. real life starts in June. I'm only home for almost two weeks, then I head home to work. Its weird to call Chicago home, but I do live an apartment. And I do have a job. Somewhat established life? This semester has been tough, but I survived. As usual, Im learning from it. Hard lessons, but yea, its life.
Can anyone explain intuition to me? Mine's outta control lately..its kinda weird.
Oh, the sinus meds are getting to me. I am done. done. I can't say it enough. done. ha ha. done done done done done!
"Well she wants to live her life
And she thinks about her life
Pulls her hair back and she screams,
"I don't really want to live this life!"
She only drinks coffee at midnight
When the moment is not right
Her timing is quite
Unusual
You see, her confidence is tragic
And her intuition magic"
Home free finally. Unfortunately, I have a cold, which made for an awesome southwest flight. Mental health day is today. yes, yes it is. Sleep was great last night, in addition to seeing my family. Im still working on Seminary applications and my resume. In one week, I've turned in 60+ pages of work...in one week. Ive been in the "zone" for a month now. Im finally free! Ive turned in over 30 papers this semester. no quizzes and one objective test. so strange. But its over!
One more semester of college left. It feels so strange. Job hunting, seminary searching..weird. real life starts in June. I'm only home for almost two weeks, then I head home to work. Its weird to call Chicago home, but I do live an apartment. And I do have a job. Somewhat established life? This semester has been tough, but I survived. As usual, Im learning from it. Hard lessons, but yea, its life.
Can anyone explain intuition to me? Mine's outta control lately..its kinda weird.
Oh, the sinus meds are getting to me. I am done. done. I can't say it enough. done. ha ha. done done done done done!
"Well she wants to live her life
And she thinks about her life
Pulls her hair back and she screams,
"I don't really want to live this life!"
She only drinks coffee at midnight
When the moment is not right
Her timing is quite
Unusual
You see, her confidence is tragic
And her intuition magic"
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